FRIENDS!
huzzay
print practicum = solid. i cannot wait.
t-shirts. t shirts galore. letterpress. woodcuts. back to getting big guns from grinding stones.
folk dancing :(
payne's! :)
general chemistry :) / :(
we don't know yet
hopefully visiting my brother soon.
:) :) :)
cooking and trying out new recipes on my roomies (and honorary housemans)
the song 'Sexy MF' by Prince. it brings me great joy.
bestie belting out Celine in the car = awesome FOREVER.
uncorking a Trappist beverage and the cork NOT shooting off into oblivion this time.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
people are tricky
hello:update
back at school - in our man cottage (i will never tire of calling it that...we're making a sign) - and i am back to be in the company of some of my fine young ladies whom i missed very much (as well as A gentlemen, our 5th house member).
its weird being back here. its kind of hard in a way because there are a lot of people i am expecting to see here that i will actually never see here again. i have not gotten used to that yet and i don't like thinking about it. it makes me think about last year, about how so much and not so much can happen in a years time, especially the smallest unexpected things. i think about last year and last spring semester because in a way, i spent the past 4 years building up this house of cards because i am a person who puts people and things in a particular placement in my life and i expect them to stick and stay there, unmoved. some people, those i am closest with, will always be there and always be around but the past year, others had a tendency to shift from their appointed positions, moved around a little bit, different placement and before i know it i'm playing fucking 52 pick-up.
cheesy analogy i know, but its true.
my relationships and contexts with people have changed and a lot of those people are no longer here. some of them will be around, but i don't know where to place them. should i attempt to build another house, set these remaining people in a certain placement and context of my life simply because its easy? less effort? less bullshit? less not saying what we're thinking and more thinking about what we're saying?
or do i just want to let everyone move about freely, find their own placement based on their own levels of investment and vulnerability. instead of trying to fit one into a space they don't even know their in, where, without knowing, they don't know what is required or expected or hoped for and hence the bullshit begins.
i try not to expect a lot from people and i'm a pretty simple person. it doesn't take much to please me, let alone make me laugh, but i think that this past year and especially this past semester and summer, i have equally expected to much as well as too little. to be expectant is to be exhausted and exhausting. last year required a lot of sifting and protection, defense.
i will probably continue that defense to be honest.
vulnerability is way too difficult to be with just anyone. i just want to get out of here as quick as i can, and i want to spend that time with the people i am closest to, the people i know, spending my time getting closer and remaining closer to them. after printmaking, i don't have it in me to invest in anything more than that. i don't want to meet any knew people, i don't want to have to silently convince any person that i want to know them better and that i am worth knowing, let alone worry about the bullshit damage control of I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU or YOU ARE TOO INTIMIDATING OF A GIRL. i don't have to want to sit there are try and figure out what people are thinking, say what you want and say what you mean and mean what you say.
come september i start applying for internships and apprenticeships. i am looking mostly in the upper east coast/new england area and that is mostly where i intend to go. i do not know what will happen from now until then, i do not know who and what will change and i'm not anticipating or expecting anything. i am just going to go about my life, living in my house, hanging out with my bestie and my girls and my boys, printmaking, cooking, drinking some beer and just hanging out and for one semester of my college career just letting myself BE. i will not try to foresee my future, i will not try to make anything happen that is not meant to, i will not over-analyze, deprecate or over-think, i will just let myself be and whatever happens happens. in anything.
that is where i'm at, if you're sticking around and if you're getting closer, thats great. thats really really great and i'm glad to have you in my life. if you're not, you're not and thats fine.
back at school - in our man cottage (i will never tire of calling it that...we're making a sign) - and i am back to be in the company of some of my fine young ladies whom i missed very much (as well as A gentlemen, our 5th house member).
its weird being back here. its kind of hard in a way because there are a lot of people i am expecting to see here that i will actually never see here again. i have not gotten used to that yet and i don't like thinking about it. it makes me think about last year, about how so much and not so much can happen in a years time, especially the smallest unexpected things. i think about last year and last spring semester because in a way, i spent the past 4 years building up this house of cards because i am a person who puts people and things in a particular placement in my life and i expect them to stick and stay there, unmoved. some people, those i am closest with, will always be there and always be around but the past year, others had a tendency to shift from their appointed positions, moved around a little bit, different placement and before i know it i'm playing fucking 52 pick-up.
cheesy analogy i know, but its true.
my relationships and contexts with people have changed and a lot of those people are no longer here. some of them will be around, but i don't know where to place them. should i attempt to build another house, set these remaining people in a certain placement and context of my life simply because its easy? less effort? less bullshit? less not saying what we're thinking and more thinking about what we're saying?
or do i just want to let everyone move about freely, find their own placement based on their own levels of investment and vulnerability. instead of trying to fit one into a space they don't even know their in, where, without knowing, they don't know what is required or expected or hoped for and hence the bullshit begins.
i try not to expect a lot from people and i'm a pretty simple person. it doesn't take much to please me, let alone make me laugh, but i think that this past year and especially this past semester and summer, i have equally expected to much as well as too little. to be expectant is to be exhausted and exhausting. last year required a lot of sifting and protection, defense.
i will probably continue that defense to be honest.
vulnerability is way too difficult to be with just anyone. i just want to get out of here as quick as i can, and i want to spend that time with the people i am closest to, the people i know, spending my time getting closer and remaining closer to them. after printmaking, i don't have it in me to invest in anything more than that. i don't want to meet any knew people, i don't want to have to silently convince any person that i want to know them better and that i am worth knowing, let alone worry about the bullshit damage control of I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU or YOU ARE TOO INTIMIDATING OF A GIRL. i don't have to want to sit there are try and figure out what people are thinking, say what you want and say what you mean and mean what you say.
come september i start applying for internships and apprenticeships. i am looking mostly in the upper east coast/new england area and that is mostly where i intend to go. i do not know what will happen from now until then, i do not know who and what will change and i'm not anticipating or expecting anything. i am just going to go about my life, living in my house, hanging out with my bestie and my girls and my boys, printmaking, cooking, drinking some beer and just hanging out and for one semester of my college career just letting myself BE. i will not try to foresee my future, i will not try to make anything happen that is not meant to, i will not over-analyze, deprecate or over-think, i will just let myself be and whatever happens happens. in anything.
that is where i'm at, if you're sticking around and if you're getting closer, thats great. thats really really great and i'm glad to have you in my life. if you're not, you're not and thats fine.
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