i've been having similar dreams lately, which is actually not very uncommon. most dreams i've had in my life, i have had my whole life because they repeat themselves, the only slight difference being something like setting or someone else aside from the usual few will be in them. those are the only ones i really remember, most others, no matter how vivid usually pass from memory when i wake up. certain parts usually stick out though, parts with people, usually saying or doing something weird or profound or nerve racking to me in reality. for the past two weeks or so, about two nights or more a week, i've been in a similar vein of dreams. they are very short and very odd, not very vivid in terms of setting, just enough to know where i might be. in them, i am always with someone i love dearly, old friends, family members, people i miss, people i've been in conflict with or about. in one, we were on the beach in Wellfleet County, in another we were in my old house in Garfield Hts, in another i was in the studio at TU. in every dream, i come across one of these people in these places, and when i walk up to them, i realize that their fingertips and my fingertips are dipped and stained in black ink. then i look down and there's a press, usually a letter press, and we start dragging our fingers across the letters and plates and printing them.
somedays i feel like i'm drowning myself in my own skin, that just when i get used to being in it, feeling good about the person in there, i try to suffocate her. being in my home environment amplifies that a lot of the time, some of you know why, some of you don't and its not really something i choose to share but nonetheless exists. i know that and it's something i'm working on - its not as easy as saying 'it's bad' or 'it's good', a lot of things just run deep here. does that make sense? i'm pretty sure, in some way or another, that is the case for everyone.
most days, i read a lot, organize all the stuff in my room, make things for people, drink a lot of coffee, walk my dog and put in applications all over the place. i hang out with my sister, we bake cakes when we're bored or she'll try to give me a make over, try out new fashion tips she reads about in Seventeen (weird). after an early friday evening of laying in my bed trying to figure out something to do, we decided to watch The Wizard of Oz to The Dark Side of the Moon and it turned out to be one of the best fridays i've had in a long time. it was really weird and really awesome. we drank a lot of pop and ate turkey burgers and rice cakes.
i have spent a lot of time with my extended family which is really awesome - mardi gras, birthday parties, brunches, whatever, any reason we have to get together. as much as i don't really do crowds or large gatherings of people, i'm pretty sure thats only specific to strangers with interspersed friends because i could probably be around my entire family for the good part of a day no problem, regardless of vast amounts of little girls and pink shit that is occasionally all over the place. thats why God gives us beer and cousins.
i've been spending a lot of time with these kids - babies - which is actually amazing. they are so much fun and so smart and i love hanging out with them. i love playing cars and transformers with them and watching Cinderella and cuddling on the couch with them. i love making them laugh, i love picking them up, i love reading to them. i even love them when they are running around screaming from too much sugar. whatever. it's awesome.
on wednesday i start interning here: Zygote Press in downtown Cleveland (we're still the mistake on the lake! thank god!)
which is awesome. the extensiveness of this space and the things in it are too awesome for words but will probably try to be explained to one or more of you at a later date.
i had coffee with a very old friend of mine the other day. his name is jimmy and we've been friends since the summer we graduated from high school. the week before i had a dream with him in it, he just appeared out of nowhere and the next day i had a message from him on my phone. i hadn't seen him in over a year and we sat in a panera for 4 1/2 hours until they had to close, not only catching up but talking about things. everything. our worldviews, what we want to accomplish, where we're going from here, our trepidation's, our experiences, how we constantly process these things everyday. we've both changed and grown in a lot of ways and not so much in others and it was just really good to sit with someone whose known me that long, who is here with me, in this town, in this urban sprawl. he's one of those people who after years of interacting and being friends, i don't really need to explain myself so much. it's nice to not have to do that. it was one of those interactions with someone you know so well, who knows you that when you leave, you just feel a sense of relief because in a way they have brought you back to yourself. they have brought you back to yourself just by seeing you and knowing you the way that they do. it was one of those interactions that reminded me and brought back to me that part of myself that i like, parts that i not only like but am proud of, those parts that are the best of me.
my dad told me today that i just need to get up and go. i don't need to stay here, i can work a mindless job like waitressing somewhere else and still get on my feet. i could have stayed in indiana (surprise!), i could go anywhere basically. it really threw me off because if i could be elsewhere i would.
he's right.
it's warming up here a little (probably not for long) but its nice to smell a little dirt instead of snow
