stray

let us talk seriously. as adults. i'm an adult now.

when you got married, you were a hair older than i am now. maybe you were even younger. maybe you even had your first or first two children already. you came from a family of 4, or 6, or 12, or 3 or 8. you were a waitress, a bartender, a cook, a secretary. you went to college part time, you didn't go at all, you went on your own dime eating nothing but tuna and eggs by day and devouring the books by night. you moved out, you kept your job, you got a job with your high school diploma - you made money by day, went out at night, had friends, had fun, had options, had kids.
they were necessities. they were the 'next step'. the 'why not?'.
but what did you want?
did you want to go anywhere?
do anything else?
instead of realizing later, after the kids, after the spouse, after the house and the job and the dog and the cats and the mortgage and the loans at 47, 33, 27, 22, 49...and on.

listen: we're under too much pressure already. we give it to ourselves, it comes at us from all sides, from everything. we're going to be poorer, worked harder, less satisfied, more depressed, more dependent. at least let us try to love people properly - without pressure, without confusion, without feeling like we've had to give something up or give up someone special just for leading and following and making our lives what we hope they can be. let us love people not because its what we 'should' be doing, or where a relationship 'should' be going - maybe thats the one up we have on you here.
because everything is work. it will always be work.
a relationship is work, that is something i have learned from you, hard work you learned along the way blindfolded.
and my work needs to be prints, people, words, music, sunlight and faith. and getting to a beach or a farm somewhere.


i know you'll say to me 'gabrielle, you make it sound like its do or die.'
its not that complex? its just black and white? it works or it doesn't? just go with it? you just want me to be happy? its easy?
is it though? as someone who tends to lose herself in other people, i don't want to give myself up that easily, quickly. because thats what it is - willingness and trust. and you made me a stubborn rebelling rooted woman.
i'm sorry, you didn't make me a risk taker. i don't feel like risking another persons happiness, another persons dreams. i don't feel like risking mine when i know anything started or finished with any person, would only end in hurt and regret in my lack to attach or detach. it has always been that way for me. it will always be that way.
i'm sorry. but albeit a killer soundtrack, my life is not a john hughes movie. not right now, maybe not ever.
its my life. and i want to figure out whats mine before even telling another person my name.

don't worry about it anymore.
and don't let it get you down.
because at the end of the day you're still walking your own made for you path right? and if you know yourself and you know God, then you may have at least a slight idea of what that path is. what is mine will stay mine, what is yours will stay yours, what is ours will stay ours - what more do we need? its not up to us! keep what's yours for a little while. that includes the love you have already**. know it and own it before trying to work it out with another human being.




**that, along with many others, can come in the form of the 13 different kind of BOMB christmas cookies your mother makes while snuggling up with your sibz on the couch.