come on you gutless

a list of valid, true thoughts:

A: it really is a shitty thing that we base so much of what we know about people from the impressions we get, make, and give.  its shitty that so much depends on that, but would you like to know what saddens me more? the fact that, as human beings, we should know and be aware of the fact the humans, people are so much deeper, so much more complex and complicated and aware/unaware, confident/unconfident than we ever come off being.  so if we know this, why do we still base so much and judge so much off those impressions? 

who one is in front and around other people is hardly who one is in reality. this is just a fact. read it, accept it, understand it and let it sink in. the impression you give is never who you are. ever. 

it never will be either. 

and its not a matter of genuineness or honesty with oneself or self awareness, its a matter of people are guarded, people are cautious because people are assholes, people are cruel. any one person has the capability to make another feel like shit and an idiot without ever saying a word.  we are guarded and hidden because we know that people are judging us severely on that impression, so why not leave a false one? or a lesser one? a dumbed down shallow impression of yourself? because an impression is like an apparition, it doesn't really exist and is made out of air and you can't hurt air. you can't be an asshole and make something that technically doesn't exist feel like shit. 

here's the catch though: 

it hurts us when we can't be us.  it hurts us when we know that someone thinks of us as something, someone we are not and that we have never tried to be. if it doesn't, you are a liar. you are. if you don't care how others see you or how others think you are, if you don't feel you are responsible for your impressions, you are a liar or bluntly, severely fucked up. 

i've never wanted to be the fool. 

but i'm sure some certainly see me that way. 

i've never wanted to be art girl or music girl or movie girl either.

but i'm sure some certainly see me that way. 

i've never wanted to be foul-mouthed, argumentative graceless girl.

but i'm sure some certainly see me that way. 

i've never wanted to be talentless, unmotivated and ignorant either.

but i know some see me that way.

and i've never wanted to be self-deprication central or as extremely arrogant

and i know some see me that way.

but i am responsible for those impressions just as much as others are at a loss for not exploring or disproving them.

i've had a goal for the past 2 years to move past impressions, to disband them and to some extent make them fall. and its fucking hard because people don't want you to know them, people don't give a fuck if you do and they don't give a fuck about you or who you might be.  a lot of people are content with the impressions because its too much effort to break them down. and this is a huge struggle for me because there are just some people i really want to get to know who don't give a fuck or are functioning under some severe impressions that they don't give a fuck enough to change.  

to not just have impressions or ideas or perceptions but to KNOW.

it is the most frustrating thing.

i miss a very dear friend of mine because the way and means which we got to know each other was so blissfully uncomplicated and open.  there were no impressions, just interest in each others person and company - no bullshit.  if i wanted to go to a movie, we'd go to a movie. if he wanted to drive to muncie, we'd drive to muncie. it was purely enjoying each others company and the fact that spending time knowing each other was fun and worth it.  

i miss the easiness of it, the effortlessness.