a dream:

i was at the swimming hole, on the bank of slabs of rocks and silt and dirt. water was pouring over each tier of rock, by the gallon, rushing over as opposed to its slower, gentler, safe speed and trickle. the water was deafening and i could hear no other sounds, just foaming water pouring over. the water was dirty, light brown and foaming with small pebbles and silt and dust it had gathered along the way, what had been washed into it. instead of meeting at the hole in a gentle whirlpool, the streams of water kept over lapping, colliding with each other to diverge their own paths, forming lines of swirling water and foam. it was dusk because the trees around had started making silhouettes against the sun. there were no animals, no birds, no sound, no people. i stood on the bank and smelled the water, the air it made. i wanted to go in but i knew it was dangerous, i knew i might slip, but i couldn't avoid going in. i wanted to and i knew that i needed to. i stepped in and felt the waters force hitting my legs and pushing them and they started to shake. i walked through, into and past the streams fighting for directions before i got the the middle, where i leaned against one of the ledges and let water pour over me too. i let my clothes stick to me, i lost my shoes, but none of it was heavy. my jeans weren't weighted down with water, my t shirt was wet but hung on my body like it was dry. i dropped down into the swimming hole and into the strong whirlpool it was making. i submerged myself and held my breath while i opened my eyes. i looked above me at the surface, watched the separate streams come together over my head. when i was a kid swimming in my aunts pool, i would sit under the pump that would jet water into the pool, to see the separate streams making otherwise invisible movement - it reminded me of that. i was underwater forever, i just stayed there floating and looking at the surface while bubbles of air escaped. air was leaving my body, but it wasn't hurting me, it didn't feel like i was dying or drowning but i wasn't breathing. i stayed down there until the sun rose, and with the new light on the surface, i knew that the scene above me had changed. the streams of water had become gentler, there was no foam and i saw the face of my mother along the edge of the surface, looking in at me like she used to when i would submerge myself in the bathtub. she smiled and walked away. i stayed down the for a while longer, my head was now trying to figure out what was going on and where i was. the light changed on the surface again and the water became clearer, it became still. all of the sudden my body shuddered and that signal inside my brain went off telling me to rise, you need air, like when you try to stay underwater for as long as you can with your cousins or siblings and something inside your brain and body just says 'ok thats enough'. i pushed myself up to the surface, grasping water - the depth had changed and i was farther from the surface now. when i got there i rose slowly and felt sunlight stealing into my eyes and onto my face. i had changed. my skin was pale, the color it is on the inside of my arms, all over. my hair was long again, even longer that it was before and i felt lighter, not necessarily skinnier but lighter. i looked down and i wasn't wearing my clothes anymore, i was just wrapped in layers and layers of un-starched cheesecloth that i use for lithography, its almost like gauze. for some reason, i was able to stand up and the water now only came up to a little above my knees. i looked down and under the cheesecloth i saw red marks and lines, scars across my stomach, my heart and in between my lungs. i unwrapped the layers to look at them, to see what had gotten to them. i looked down and the lines cut into them were sewn up and healing. there was no thread, they weren't bleeding but they were red and irritated from healing and i knew that they were gone. i looked down at my heart and thought 'well, yes i am an organ donor on my license but who would want this? not to mention, i smoke too much.' i looked down at my lungs and knew they were still there because i was breathing and i though 'what would they want with the howl, all the shit that sits in there?' i wrapped myself back up and looked around. it was a little chilly but only because i could smell it in the air, i couldn't feel it, but the sun had that look about it and the stillness was similar to a fall morning. i realized i was in a lake of some kind, or a very large and very still river because on my left or right sides, i could clearly see banks, but north and south of me had no ends. all around the banks were trees, but only pine trees. not big ones like redwoods, but smaller ones like spruces or firs, like you ones you look for in christmas tree shopping. the banks looked like they were covered in moss but as i made my way towards the one on my right, i saw that it was all pine needles, but not spruce or fir needles, they were long and thin. it was a beach of pine needles. i stepped out of the water and onto the beach. they were soft and layered under my feet, all still green, none of them were dry or brittle or pointy. i felt them sticking to my feet and to my arms, hands and legs as i sat down. i sat in the sun and could hear nothing, there was nothing. i sat for a while in the sun, but i didn't seem to dry off at all except for my hair. it dried and became a little shorter, wavy like its supposed to be. i looked to my left and saw emily coming down the pine needle beach. she was wrapped in cheesecloth and her hair had dried too. she came up to me and sat with me, we didn't say anything but she was smiling at me and she started to cry. she saw that i had some irritated scars and put her arm around me, she was still crying but she was smiling. we sat there for a while indian style, looking at the lake/river until the sun started to go down. it was dusk again and i knew we had somewhere to go. we got up, smiling and taking one last look at the lake/river before walking into the woods.


i don't remember my dreams very much.
i woke up after this, last night and it was thunder storming badly, but the air and the rain smelled nice.

i'm very blessed you know.
actually, its borderline spoiled and i know it. forget it, it IS spoiled. God spoils me. big time.

thank you for everything.
all of you.

thank you to those closest, who have done such a good job of building such a strong nest around me that keeps my eye on the ground but keeps me from falling. i miss it constantly.
thanks for changing plans, thanks for sacrifice, thanks for drives, thanks for tears, thanks for listening, thanks for staying, thanks for being consistent.
thanks for making me laugh. thanks for making me food. thanks for snuggling. thanks for holding onto me when i'm shaking or crying.
i know that wisdom and learning come with time.
i know that the best and proper way to look at change is not in the hurt it makes us feel but in the way it makes things grow, in a different direction but nonetheless for something greater. at the end of the day, this is just a change of plans and no one is going anywhere and no one needs to be anything different.
there's a lot i have to do, a lot i have to figure out if i'm ever going to accomplish what i want to but i know who i have, i know what i have and thats all i need.