i'm pretty much a loner without you i've decided. completely...like a puffin.

hello

i think

that the more i see of the world (which is not much) and the more i experience of people, the more i think and the more hard knowledge i gain,

i think i'm becoming a severe skeptic. 

all i can do is question them and get answers that satisfy me.

and not many answers satisfy me. a lot of answers are bullshit. 

i feel like i'm losing faith in many things the more closely i look at them and the more i think on them. basically, the more i think on them, the more fuckery or ignorance i find and i have an incredible feeling of hopelessness because more times than not, there is nothing that i can do to change things or even bring much light to the things that are wrong. for example, there's a lot of fuckery in the christian religion because ultimately, any mass religion is very similar to a business - -based on agenda's, goals, greed and the impressions of their followers (or workers). just like a business, christian religion in today's world has goals in mind and ways to go about getting them accomplished that are most beneficial to THEM and their beliefs. a lot of it is tied into politics and what sits right on their minds politically or socially or economically without making their spiritual wellfare look indecent to themselves or their peers/community. 

and just like with anything else that is run this way (which is a lot) there's a lot of bullshit fuckery that comes with that. and a lot of that fuckery is based on a childish fear of this sinful world we live in.

do you see what i'm trying to get at? 

i don't want to be associated with something that is frankly, that fucked up and that self acting.

its like our government. and that is blatantly bad enough as it is. 

next example: 

common quote: religion is the opiate of the masses. 

in todays country, as queer as this sounds, i think love is becoming the opiate of the masses. i'm sorry, but i am beginning to think of romantic love as a farce. perhaps because i've never had it, but also, i think its something people depend on to make themselves feel normal, to feel complete. NOTE: ROMANTIC love. i didn't say brotherly/sisterly love, i am not referring to the love that God or Christ has for us or the love that i have for my best friend or any kind of actual pure genuine supporting love. that is the ideal of love and i think that is the love we all look for in some kind of significant other, but i am beginning to think it is near impossible to truly accomplish for a long period of time.  what i'm saying is everyday i feel like i'm getting more and more skeptical that that kind of love actually exists in that situation. profound respect, yes...but is it love? an extreme like? lust? desparation? i think this stems from the fact that i really don't think its for me. 

how sad is that. more on that later. 

what has happened to selflessness? what has happened to working for the benefit of all, not just ourselves? did such a novel concept actually exist in reality? has selflessness ever been taken into action? or is it just a novel dream, like prosperity, that we've all had since the beginning of time. 

here's the thing: i don't agree with this war we're in. that shouldn't be news to any of you and therefore i won't get into why, political banter...etc. etc. etc. but you see, i have a buddy over there right now. he's probably the coolest guy i know actually and he's funny as hell. he comes from a military family so even though socially, at first meeting, he doesn't seem like the military conservative type (which he totally doesn't, its kind of mind blowing), he believes in what we're doing over there, he believes in the military.  i read his  blog often because a: it gives an actual account of what kind of things are happening over there, the serious shit (like shit blowing up and killing people) but also a lot of the good they're doing too. and b: because of his blog, and those of his friends that he's suggested, i hear actual accounts of true selflessness. 

i'm serious. 

because all you have over there are your buddies, whether there or away, to get you through the day and you form bonds with people that allow you to risk you're life for them and with them. that is selflessness on a small level, but also on a big level because fucking WMD's and all that shit aside, they're there for us. they are fighting, whether we think they should or not, whether we believe in what their fighting for or not, they are fighting for us. 

sorry for the digression, but thats what first comes to mind when i think about selflessness.

back to reality. my family and myself are going to strive for the next however long to find a huge chunk of land somewhere on a gorgeous lake where we can start a commune or as we say, a compound, where we can all live in hand-built cabins, grow our own food (corn), fish, hunt and all learn how to use guns apparently so we can defend the place. our entire family will live there. since i refuse to wield a gun, i am the decorator. 

i will make myself a little boat out of cherry wood, i'll call it Beralikur - or a combination of my own siblings names. like Gabalemad. 

that sounds good. 

tender is the night lying by your side

tender is the touch of someone that you love too much

tender is my heart that's screwing up my life

oh Lord i need to find someone who can heal my mind.