i'm waiting for that feeling to come

**note: kind of a repeat on some thoughts, but a little more thorough. finally got it all out into correct wording. read at your leisure. **

i am certain that i am becoming a skeptic about everything. about organized religion, love, prosperity, selflessness, the hope of our planet and the goodness of its people. i could go into this and get feisty, but i won't because any of you reading this i hope will pretty much know what i mean. there's not much hope really left on this planet and there hasn't been for quite some time and the things that are supposed to be providing that unconditional hope and love are ultimately just working for themselves and their own intentions, through whatever means sit well with their consciences. they are ignoring the true message and the true actions that should follow.

this is incredibly devastating to me and i feel misplaced. i tell myself, you're supposed to be a christian. but what is being a christian? is being a christian mean you function under some church, a system of standards and ideals set up by your peers and people with degrees in theology that had better be followed? is being a christian leading a life as sinless as possible and making sure that others close to you do the same, going as far to force them to function and live under YOUR ideals? is being a christian professing it publically for all the world so they don't think you're still an alcoholic who is addicted to preparations for war and chokes on pretzels? to me, it appears that all of these things encompass being a christian these days (oh, and for the cheap seats, lets throw in you must be a political conservative to be a TRUE child of OUR GOD).

QUESTION: where is the line between God's actual ideals and commands, and YOUR ideals? what you THINK you should be doing? what is encompassed in the specifics of God's words? how do you stretch them to fit your life and your conscience? 
i am obviously still trying to figure this out but i will say this. 
to me, being a christian is LOVE. is LOVING OTHERS UNCONDITIONALLY.
Love: (noun) an intense feeling of deep affection
synonyms to unconditional: wholehearted, unqualified, unlimited, unreserved, total, entire, unmitigated, full, unquestioning, absolute. 
read those. look them up if you need to, grasp their meaning and understand me: those are not corrupt words. those are not hateful, greedy, judgmental, frightened, racist, ignorant, stone throwing words.
these are not the words that christians use. at least the christians that i seem to come across quite a bit.
they sure as hell aren't the words christians use when they speak of others, when they speak of people who are supposed to be our brothers and sisters, when they speak of people we are ultimately supposed to be loving. 

listen: the older i get, the more educated i become, the more i experience things and the more knowledge i gain, THIS is becoming more certain to me: no matter what facet of this organized religion i come across, the more i realize that it has become a severe, hypocritical sub-culture that has no room for people who think for themselves and who ask questions. it has no room for people who question its system of scholared prophets and who want to push people into realizing what is happening around them outside of that system so that they can help it instead of ignore it, wish on it, make it pretty so it can go away. it is based and functional on morals and as long as those morals line up within that system, the rest of the world doesn't matter because people are so blind and willing to believe that they are doing right for all when they are actually only doing right by themselves and others like them. 
and that isn't christian to me. 
that isn't what this faith of mine is based on. 
and in all honesty, i don't want to associated as a member of a religion (NOT faith) that works so selfishly. thats not why i have this faith, thats not why i am certain of it. my certainty actually has nothing to do with anyone of the same faith who i may be surrounded by, because its mine. bluntly, i don't have this faith so that i can be part of some "christian" structure that is mostly run like a business and no less heavy on the fuckery. 

in case you couldn't tell, i have a hard time not being sick and bitter about it. i'm working on it and i'm working on that forgiveness, but i will never accept it. and i know i'm a stone thrower and i know i am also a hypocrite and i know i am not even near where i wish i was, but i know this is something that needs to be worked on. it needs to stop on such a large scale.
it needs to be humbled. 
it's funny and very sad to me that an entire religion based on the words and acts of a rebellious and radical badass man has no room for such similar spirit in its followers. because of sin, i suppose we are all born with hearts of stone. white is the good and black is the bad but our hearts aren't born black, they're grey. there's good and bad there. bad is to be expected also because though that is ultimately what makes us sinners, its also what makes us human. because of that bad we are allowed a greater capacity for good, for love. if there was no bad the good would be worth a lot less. 

so where is the goodness and selflessness that we need?