i was having lunch with a very good friend of mine today (lunch, i love having lunch with people) and i love this friend of mine immensely because she is so so good at putting me in my place and holding me accountable and allowing me to call myself out on all of my messes and she's really good at reminding me of God's control and basically just putting it all in perspective (i really enjoy lunch with her).  

so, due to a previous encounter right before this lunch, i had the realization this afternoon that i am probably a total and complete flake.  

flake : informal, a crazy or eccentric person

synonyms: space cadet, scatterbrain...etc. 

sound familiar? yeah...

and this poor poor person who shuffled this into perspective, i consider them a friend but i am admittedly so flakey around them (it's pretty hot and cold i realize) that they probably think i hate them! which is awful! because i absolutely do not! i think they're great! (super great) granted, each situations is different and there are contributing factors to each, but seriously, i do not say hi to people i know or i say hello to some and not to others, i don't even look them in the face when i come across them even if i just talked to them! i really do have my head in the clouds a lot of the time but sadly, most of it is that people make me nervous.  thats right, i don't talk to you? or say hello? its probably because you make me unrealistically and unnecessarily and unfoundedly nervous. i am a flake because i'm pretty socially awkward sometimes, or have completely become so.  i'm not saying this to induce pity, i've known it for ages and its ok with me. 

what isn't though is how i treat people.  that is not ok.  i should probably say hello and converse with people one day and continue to at least try and do so the next.  its just terrible.  

so heaven forbid,

if you're reading this and you think i hate you or don't respect or value you as a person due to my flakiness, I AM SO SORRY. i sincerely apologize if i have lead you to bitching and confusion over my flakiness and if this has made you keep distance or remove yourself slightly from my life.  i can honestly say that, cut and dry, it comes down to my own nervousness and confidence issues that only i can change.  if i don't say hello to you or ignore you, it is because i think you have something better to do or someone you'd rather talk to than me or because i think i bother you or because i think you don't remember me or because you probably intimidate me. i'm really going to try harder NOT to be a flake anymore and to let everyone know that i really value their friendship and respect them, no matter how small.  i do want to be your friend, i do want you to talk to me, i do want to have lunch with you or dinner or coffee or go to the movies or go on walks/bikerides or watch trashy tv or listen to awesome music or talk about books and politics and life and faith with YOU. 

so let's have lunch. i mean it.