i found this in one of my old journals today.

Madi, age 10: you know, i would willingly spend the rest of eternity with you. you know, if you wanted me to. just eternity. the rest of our lives.

Gabe, age 19: Yeah, i would definitely spend eternity with you too honey. would we even die together?

Madi: of COURSE we would. we would die together. young and beautiful. absolutely. i think its the only decent way to go out these days anyway.


basically: i would totally go into eternity with you, but we should still die young anyway.

it just makes me remember what its like to be 10. everything is simplified. you can make contradictions like that because no one has beaten that "fact" that eternity is some kind of problem and that we should love living a life that, no matter how good, is ultimately suffering into your head yet. no one has beaten anything into you, they haven't been allowed to and you won't let them. you wake up thinking "what am i going to be doing today?" not "what can i NOT do today?"

thought:
do you ever find yourself wishing for stillness? stillness if your life, your surroundings, the people you know, everything. wishing for the freedom from the exhaustion that comes from just living YOUR life and being you? does that make sense? i'm fine with being me, i'm fine with who i am but i need to be still for a while. and i need all around me to be still. i need life to stop moving, i need the things i need to do, the things that are constantly asked and expected of me for whatever reasons, the opprotunities, the disasters, the negative and the tiring to stop moving and just let me be still for a while. let me be still and let me be held. i want the nothing and i want it for me. sounds pretty selfish, but i need it. i need it because i can't seem to find a moment to take care of myself and process my life. life takes processing.
but it won't ever happen, because the constant movement of life doesn't stop for just one person, even if its just their menial life. so i am looking for those moments of stillness, i'm trying to find them even within seconds, where everything at least seems stopped, where they are still and nothing. they are rare, i never allow myself to have them. my thoughts always get the better of me and pretty soon the moment is gone.

i wish i could explain that to you, let you know that wish for stillness, you won't ever be alone in wanting it.
and they say the average life still continues for 60 more years.