As long as we're young

i have the GREATEST major/job IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

WHY????

here's why

i make cool looking shit. thats right, its shit that looks COOL and usually some MEANING (or sometimes the depth stops at "it just looks fucking cool.") is behind it too, some CONTENT, some OOMPH
thats my JOB. i gather up all this stuff and these crazy ideas and color schemes and cartoons and doodles with all these things, concepts, aspects of ANYTHING that i just THINK ABOUT and that are constantly going through my brain, i gather all of that out of myself and make something with it.

its like a fucking HORCRUX (thats right, harry potter reference, don't be a grown-up and read a fucking childs book!), every thing i make, there's me. not like "oh i'm so vain i'm going to put myself in everything.", its more like "hey...that comes out of me. there's my hand in that. and thats pretty fucking cool."

AND
BONUSES:
i get to play with saws, sanders, paint, welding rods etc. (THATS RIGHT, I WELD!!!!), casting, kilns, steel, wax, glaze, clay, huge fucking stones, screens, charcoal, watercolors, gouache, saudering irons, wood engravers, CHEMICALS, printing presses, canvas, INK, PAPER, glass, acid and the occasional naked person.

its like...a playground for grown-ups. i LOVE doing this. i love spending all day in a studio. i wish i could be who i am in the studio in all other places and aspects of my life; that is the best parts of me in there because i'm working on something i love more than ANYTHING and nothing else matters to me. none of my problems matter: problems with family, friends, self-esteem, exhaustion of life, guys, other classes, my need for sleep and/or coffee - none of it exists. what exists is what i'm working on and none of that makes me worry, or depressed or angry or hesitant or over-analytical or shitty about myself. i don't have to open up to anyone and worry that it will blow up in my face, i don't have to make sure i'm making everyone happy or comfortable, or worry about their judgement or uncomfort or trying to impress them somehow because all i'm opening up to is me, it is selfless introspection to make something out of it, out of all of that.

i'm sure all of this sounds really cheesy and way too Art School Confidential
but
it's the truth because THAT gabe? i feel like she's a pretty rare person.

in other news:
- i still love cheese
- and i'm beginning to think i should depend on weekly hour long dance parties for exercise.
- my favorite color is still red.

talent requires cultivation

i love this.

i also love
making serigraphs and lithographs (very important)
cheese
crunch coat on ice cream
plaid
cute anything
charcoal
drawing people
dancing
my friends
snuggling
and people who also like snuggling.

oh,
and going to church and knowing that, by the end of the sermon, that i was supposed to be there and getting rest and stillness from it.

and all is full of love

i found this in one of my old journals today.

Madi, age 10: you know, i would willingly spend the rest of eternity with you. you know, if you wanted me to. just eternity. the rest of our lives.

Gabe, age 19: Yeah, i would definitely spend eternity with you too honey. would we even die together?

Madi: of COURSE we would. we would die together. young and beautiful. absolutely. i think its the only decent way to go out these days anyway.


basically: i would totally go into eternity with you, but we should still die young anyway.

it just makes me remember what its like to be 10. everything is simplified. you can make contradictions like that because no one has beaten that "fact" that eternity is some kind of problem and that we should love living a life that, no matter how good, is ultimately suffering into your head yet. no one has beaten anything into you, they haven't been allowed to and you won't let them. you wake up thinking "what am i going to be doing today?" not "what can i NOT do today?"

thought:
do you ever find yourself wishing for stillness? stillness if your life, your surroundings, the people you know, everything. wishing for the freedom from the exhaustion that comes from just living YOUR life and being you? does that make sense? i'm fine with being me, i'm fine with who i am but i need to be still for a while. and i need all around me to be still. i need life to stop moving, i need the things i need to do, the things that are constantly asked and expected of me for whatever reasons, the opprotunities, the disasters, the negative and the tiring to stop moving and just let me be still for a while. let me be still and let me be held. i want the nothing and i want it for me. sounds pretty selfish, but i need it. i need it because i can't seem to find a moment to take care of myself and process my life. life takes processing.
but it won't ever happen, because the constant movement of life doesn't stop for just one person, even if its just their menial life. so i am looking for those moments of stillness, i'm trying to find them even within seconds, where everything at least seems stopped, where they are still and nothing. they are rare, i never allow myself to have them. my thoughts always get the better of me and pretty soon the moment is gone.

i wish i could explain that to you, let you know that wish for stillness, you won't ever be alone in wanting it.
and they say the average life still continues for 60 more years.