i've heard a lot of people complaining lately "yeah, it's been so cool it's like summer wasn't even here..." whine whine whine
i'm loving this weather personally, the quicker it gets cooler the happier i tend to become.
it's a time for breaking out the tegan and sara along with my dad's flannel shirt and driving around with my bestie.

i am back in the studio, which always makes me happy and i am reminded of the certainty i feel when i'm in that room. i am not certain of very much, i am not supposed to be, nor do i expect it, but it brings me great comfort and a lot of joy working prints and i am certain of its place in my existence and where it will take me.

autumn in upon us soon and autumn for me tends to be bittersweet in many ways. i have my best times and my worst times in the fall it seems and it's been that way since my freshmen year here - some of it probably has to do with this place but i know a lot of it is the fact that a lot of my harder experiences have occurred in the months of autumn. i have physically lost people that i love, i have grown distant in every other way to others, the non communication of summer just carrying over sometimes, and i have a tendency to grow lost and distant with myself a little bit and my mind tends to go to dark places. this is a part of me all throughout the year but it is most apparent and menacing come autumn. i am aware of this and in years past i have just prepared myself for it knowing it will come full on.
But, this summer, knowing this would be coming, i started really thinking about where these dark places were rooted and what causes them to grow - in a way, what do i do to encourage their fruition and what am i not doing to keep them from it? Granted, ones feelings are natural and never wrong (as the wise woman says) and i know that they are valid and explicable, but basically, i realized (as cliche as it is) that when my mind and heart goes to these places, the depression, the deprecation, the confusion, nervousness, lostness, uncertainty, restlessness and dissatisfaction that seems to blanket my life, i am clearly loving something (any aspect of that) more than i love God. and it's not an issue of loving really, but more of a familiarity with a dark cycle that gives me some sort of control. that's what it comes down to, control.
and thats what i've been thinking about. control. i have a really hard time with control and by control i mean Grace. that's all i have been thinking about these past few months: Grace. what Grace actually means, which is complete, unconditional surrender of control over to God's Providence. when it comes to Providence and Grace, i am the rebellious pistol of a child with everything in them fighting the ones they love just out of unfamiliarity, fear, guilt, vulnerability and hence rebellion. Rebellion grows out of that fear to trust, because when that control or lack of trust is in YOUR hands, at least the outcome is somewhat known or expected.
the best and easiest personal example of this is simply getting back to campus, seeing all the couples frolic around and feeling bitter and depressed because i can't even get a guy i see everyday to look me in the eye, let alone speak to me. this bitterness adds to all of this, and all of this feeds on it - what's wrong with ME? am i completely disgusting or unapproachable? how is the acceptance of grace handle this? i'm loving that bitterness and trusting in it more than i trust God, i would rather be bitter and angry and hateful and hurtful towards myself and my loneliness than come to the full realization that i will always be lonely until i live out the fact that i will never be able to love anyone or be with anyone properly and in the way i want until i know that i love and want to be with God that way, and that God loves and wants to be with me and that i love myself that way. that is just the basic human truth of the matter.
does that make sense? some of you might be thinking 'oh shit, she's gone to the dark side with the Captivating bullshit', but that's not what i mean and this is just one of the more visual examples of what i'm trying to explain. and i know it's the truth, i know i will never be happy with anything until i learn to fully abandon self and accept this Grace and trust in this Providence in all aspects of my life. which is fucking hard for anyone, myself included since there are maybe only 5 people in the whole world who actually know me through and through. it is my first instinct, always, always, always, to be someone other than myself with someone that i meet or even hang out with and it is a very rare rare RARE instance when i feel comfortable enough with someone who hardly knows me to be my person - and you know it if you've seen it. it usually takes years. this included God.

so i am embarking on this fall with that in my mind, i need to keep it in mind and work towards it all year. it will be difficult giving that up, but i need to and thankfully and blessedly, i live with 3 beautiful wonderful girls who know me the best, who support this and support and love me unconditionally even after knowing all of this. i will have my bad days, days akin to last fall and previous experiences and they will suck and there will be people who won't understand and position away from me - change and growth tend to do that in ones life, growing in love and self awareness. due to some complications from last semester, i am going to do another show and not one through the school, which is excellent, a series of woodcuts dealing with these states of rebelliousness and acceptance involved in Grace. i have to find my own venue, make my own frames, put on my own show, probably somewhere in muncie and i am very excited to do that again, as stressful as it was. some of you didn't really know me last january, but it was the best and the most stressful month of my life - like being physically dead but mentally, emotionally and metaphysically alive.
i am oddly looking forward to that.