more blessings

subcategory: my family

all families have their shit and no family is perfect, there will always be issues between parents and their children, parents between each other, with extended family, with differing views, with the world - not to diminish or lessen anyone's specific experience, but just in saying. my family certainly has its shit as well, but i am so incredibly thankful for my family.
all of it. all 150 on one side and all 40 on the other - i love all of them. and why? because of our capacity for absorption. i know how very blessed i am to have the family that i do but the very greatest and most wonderful thing about them is that anyone can come in and be a part of it. every one of my friends who are hurting, who are scared, angry, dejected, unconfident and alone in their own families, i want so desperately to bring them home with me just so they can be absorbed, so they can be as fully and equally blessed as i am - because that is by far the most beautiful thing about it, the fullness and equality in that absorption and that taking in contributed by everyone, not only by my own small family, but by my extended family as well. there are so many of us, with so much shit, differences, disagreements, idiosyncrasies and experience that the best thing we know how to do is support and love each other and others and we will take any excuse we can get to get together with one another, we seriously have a gathering for EVERYTHING, which is AMAZING. i can honestly say that i would lay down my life for most of my family - mom, dad, especially brother and sister, grandparents, my godmother. i would do anything to help make these people better and happy and they would do the same for me without question.
plus, i don't mean to brag but we're all pretty much fucking awesome. i'm not just saying that, it's totally true (this coming from the least awesome member). with most families, i am sad to say, you can't all lay around in a huge pile trying to think up every possible synonym for the word poop.


subcategory: the manfriends

there is something certainly to be said about the kind of guys i am typically surrounded by at school, but i am glad to say that lately i have been in the company of some truly awesome men. granted, some of them are no longer here anymore and it's sad that a little time and distance has actually made me think about that but that aside, i am still glad to call them my friends. there is one in particular who made me think about and realize this and because of that i miss his company immensely, which in turn got me thinking of other men who are similar in their behavior, maturity, demeanor, respect, their ability to reciprocate and confidence in themselves. they are men who truly respect women, not in that 'i need to be a gentlemen' way, but in a truly respectful, meaningful, equal and invaluable way due to that maturity, self awareness, sensitivity and intelligence. they are great to talk to, hang out with, listen to and again, whether it be a coworker or friend or classmate, mandatory house boyfriend etc. there is something to be said about that because A: it's sadly highly critisized to be a true man like that and B: it's rare, most 'men' are actually still guys or boys.
so here's to my manfriends: thank you for being so solid, awesome examples/hope for the future of your sex, respectful and willing. thank you for watching project runway with us, making us food, bringing us our favorite beer, leaving us notes in our drawers and surprises in our lockers, asking us questions, opening up to us about your feelings and your lives, supporting and understanding where we are in our lives, telling us how much you love your girlfriend, telling us how you see us, actually have the balls to tell us how you care about us (in whatever way), not taking us for granted, bringing us vicks kleenex, nyquil and cigarettes, encouraging us, taking out our trash even though you know we can do it (just because you can), drinking with us, writing to us, listening to us and letting us listen to you, making us laugh, fixing shit and letting us fix shit, not being afraid to hug us, crying in front of us, being men.


now if you will excuse me, i have to go watch Return of the Jedi.

i am ill equipped to handle this all the time.

i can't even control, facilitate, organize, fix or mediate my own life.
i have to talk to myself constantly just to make sure i keep walking around and do what i need to be doing.
and that's just in everyday tasks.

i wish i had a safe place. with safe people. people to just let ME be for a little bit.
instead of letting me be for 5 minutes.
instead of asking me what to do when they know what to do.
instead of taking me for granted.
instead of not knowing me well enough by now to know what i need.
instead of not reciprocating or reciprocating out of shallowness.
instead of not wanting to put up with it.

do you think i want to put up with it?
but i do. out of love.
but the fucking peacemaker needs some fucking peace
and no one i know here can give me any peace
let alone know that it's what i need.

i need a bed with a huge ass comforter. a clean one, with white sheets in white room. with every book i've ever wanted to read on the bedside table, with a breeze coming through the window. i need my dog who loves me unconditionally without asking me about school money boys or what i'm going to do with my life. i need an americano made by someone i love and some scrambled fucking eggs with bacon on a cream cheesed bagel. i need a car full of gas and a record store and book store and an antique store and nice fucking guy to just walk around with that doesn't make me feel like a fucking idiot who can actually talk to me on some normal respectful uncomplicated plane as a woman and not just some girl.

too much to ask huh?

blessings

part one:
subcategory: my girlfriends

when i was a sophomore here, basically one of the worst years and the best years i've ever experienced, i was going to transfer to art school, where i would have no doubt, in the best terminology, either would have become an extreme fuck up or a huge hermit basket case with dogs (the latter might still happen...) anyway, i stuck around because even though that was the worst year in my college career, it was also the year that i learned the most from and a lot of that learning stemmed from the solid friendships that i developed with a lot of awesome women here. i mention this year because i know that through those friendships, i became much more confident in myself but also it taught me and allowed me to build really solid friendships after the fact. i know so many great women who go to school here, who live here etc. not only am i blessed with beautiful strong smart housemates, but i am blessed to say that every woman that i have thus since formed friendships have been really solid, whether they be my housemates, my friends, my art peers, my coworkers or a combination - every one of my closest girlfriends are all strong, confident, talented, intelligent, beautiful, hilarious, mature, compassionate, supportive, respectful, open-minded, healing women. they are not girls, they are women. and i don't mean to get bitchy or even generalize, but most guys here don't even know what that is or how to handle it, it's not seen as confidence or experience or wisdom or depth of character, its seen as baggage or craziness. any guy here would be lucky to have any of these women as a friend or even an acquaintance, it's just a sad fact that pretty much most guys here are still boys who want girls, who want them a certain way, to look a certain way, to have a certain thing about them, etc. some fucked up standard because they don't know what a woman is and how blessed they would be to have one like any of my girlfriends. we are just so blessed (though frustrating) to be at a point where we know that we are women, not girls. girls go to boys with expectations and boys meet them there with equal expectations without any of the moving. women meet men half way because both are willing to.

my girlfriends, they know who they are, they know what they've been through and they have faced it and allowed it to contribute to their growth and their person and have built such a solid character and confidence with it and i am honored and blessed to have such confidants.

coming soon, part two