i am ill equipped to handle this all the time.

i can't even control, facilitate, organize, fix or mediate my own life.
i have to talk to myself constantly just to make sure i keep walking around and do what i need to be doing.
and that's just in everyday tasks.

i wish i had a safe place. with safe people. people to just let ME be for a little bit.
instead of letting me be for 5 minutes.
instead of asking me what to do when they know what to do.
instead of taking me for granted.
instead of not knowing me well enough by now to know what i need.
instead of not reciprocating or reciprocating out of shallowness.
instead of not wanting to put up with it.

do you think i want to put up with it?
but i do. out of love.
but the fucking peacemaker needs some fucking peace
and no one i know here can give me any peace
let alone know that it's what i need.

i need a bed with a huge ass comforter. a clean one, with white sheets in white room. with every book i've ever wanted to read on the bedside table, with a breeze coming through the window. i need my dog who loves me unconditionally without asking me about school money boys or what i'm going to do with my life. i need an americano made by someone i love and some scrambled fucking eggs with bacon on a cream cheesed bagel. i need a car full of gas and a record store and book store and an antique store and nice fucking guy to just walk around with that doesn't make me feel like a fucking idiot who can actually talk to me on some normal respectful uncomplicated plane as a woman and not just some girl.

too much to ask huh?