things i have to remind myself of constantly:
one day at a time
all is full of love.
let's be honest friends, my mind is a pretty hot mess most of the time. whose isn't. i didn't make this blog so people i love can read me whining. i made it to share my thoughts. to get them out. sometimes, i just don't have it together. sure, everything is still fluttering around in there, but you pray about it. you talk to your friends. you scream it out. you take baby steps. because most of the time, it's not what you think it is, nor is it as bad. everything is everything, what comes to pass is supposed to and what doesn't, doesn't. at the end of the day, you have those who love you, and sure, you go through some shit, some confusion, but those are meant to stay, will stay and make sure that they do. that's all there is to it.
its good to know that no matter what happens, no matter what is so bad or so confusing in a moment, i'll still be here and so will you. i know that as fact. i do not question it and i don't know why i ever would. some people in your life are just there to stay. staying should be enough, shouldn't it?
my bestie is the best there is. she made me a christmas video, she keeps me sane and calm when i need to be and still loves me without failure or question while still knowing pretty much everything about me, all the best parts of me and the very worst as well.
how many people do you love like that?
better question, how many people know you love them like that?
if you're anything like me, probably not many because we are great at thinking people know what we really mean through our actions.
newsflash: most of the time, they don't.
we're too busy taking them for granted.
so here's one small step, a started for when i verbalize it at a later date if i haven't let you know already:
i love you emily, i love you britty, i love you tiffy, i love you stephen, i love you taylor, i love you jamie, i love you mom, i love you dad, i love you madi, i love you alex, i love you hero, i love you lamb, i love you frog, i love you lizzy, i love you jimmy, i love you christine, i love you amy, i love you eileen, i love you spencermonster, i love you dustin, i love you andrew, i love you luke, i love you paul, i love you beth, i love you daelan, i love you nathan, i love you rachel, i love you ally, i love you sarah, i love you ashely, i love you lindsey, i love you carmen, i love you steph, i love you jon, i love you erica, i love you andy1, i love you andy2, i love you kevin, i love you kyle, i love you kylie, i love you grandma, i love you pop pop, i love you grandma k, i love you grandpa k, i love you mike,dave,deb,marykay,terese,jim,marie,thad,tash,danielle,ian,matt,dave,jon,anna,nat,soph, i love you kathy, connie, dale, helene, greg, mary, ed, bill, andrea, jackie, timmy,michelle,tina,tony and all 150 of my cousins.
merry christmas :)
thats all for a while.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
hello friends
i am currently snowed in in the beautiful town of upland until monday due to quite a bit of snow, a mothers nervousness, and silliness upon my part in a checking account.
this is, in a way, another one of those karma situations i've been experiencing over the past 48-72 hours considering i wanted nothing more to get out of here this time yesterday but this is good.
it's snowing. white fluffy sticky snow, building snow, snow ball fight snow.
school is over which takes away a lot of the stress.
this gives me more time with stephen whom i will miss to a point beyond explanation.
this gives me more time with tiff whose easy company i don't experience enough through the school time.
this gives me time to relax myself, to process the last week because Lord knows enough happened that needs thinking and sorting.
this gives me time to make mixes and write letters and make homemade notebooks and christmas cards and presents.
this gives me time to clean while listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas album that is so amazing.
COCOA. raspberry cocoa.
i'll probably watch Love Actually again and do something ridiculous.
this is good.
ps: little known fact: the pixies are probably still my favorite band, seriously. its probably because they're so weird.
i am currently snowed in in the beautiful town of upland until monday due to quite a bit of snow, a mothers nervousness, and silliness upon my part in a checking account.
this is, in a way, another one of those karma situations i've been experiencing over the past 48-72 hours considering i wanted nothing more to get out of here this time yesterday but this is good.
it's snowing. white fluffy sticky snow, building snow, snow ball fight snow.
school is over which takes away a lot of the stress.
this gives me more time with stephen whom i will miss to a point beyond explanation.
this gives me more time with tiff whose easy company i don't experience enough through the school time.
this gives me time to relax myself, to process the last week because Lord knows enough happened that needs thinking and sorting.
this gives me time to make mixes and write letters and make homemade notebooks and christmas cards and presents.
this gives me time to clean while listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas album that is so amazing.
COCOA. raspberry cocoa.
i'll probably watch Love Actually again and do something ridiculous.
this is good.
ps: little known fact: the pixies are probably still my favorite band, seriously. its probably because they're so weird.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
peace like a river
you know,
i'm getting the feeling that we all need an island dance party vacation.
this is the first time in many years that i'm kind of wishing for warmer weather at this time of year.
i wish i had pine trees in sand dunes salty breeze sunshine and a hammock.
but if i am going to be here for a bit (which i am), i at least wish there was some snow so that i could build a giant fort and tunnel system in one of those huge piles left by the bulldozers. or a sweet tree house, with heat. that would be cool.
i like that. burying myself in things. like snow or sand or leaves or dirt or blankets or people. it's weird, but i do. i think the feeling that comes with being completely covered and surrounded by those things appeals to me. the warmth found inside buried snow, crisp warm grains of sand, the smell of dirt and leaves, the comfortable calm safety and togetherness of people and blankets. thats what i need right now.
did you know that a person needs at least 6 meaningful touches a day from others?
thats what i need. someone who will just snuggle down with me while i do my homework and hang out and keep me calmed down and from academic panic. in my living room, with the fire on, with some hot tea and maybe some beef stew or shepherds pie or soup or something.
everything will be alright.
everything will work out, get done, get sorted and be still.
i am constantly struggling with giving myself peace, letting myself be peaceful and experiencing that incredible aspect of God that is peace. i am constantly conflicted and thinking and processing every little aspect of my life that i am easily overwhelmed and worn out by it. i am very stubborn you know. i am working at it, and some days are harder, a lot harder, than others but i've been allowing my rebellion and guilt to still and just let myself have peace sometimes.
what changes now is usually best for our futures and all is full of love.
always love because without it you are nothing and have nothing.
anyone who says otherwise is full of horseshit. road apples.
because everything changes and you'll know who and what is replaceable, isn't and won't ever be.
hold out for the ones you know will love you.
so let it be well, let it be still, allow yourself some peace.
merry christmas everyone. in less than a week i will stuffed with homemade christmas cookies. i love you.
i'm getting the feeling that we all need an island dance party vacation.
this is the first time in many years that i'm kind of wishing for warmer weather at this time of year.
i wish i had pine trees in sand dunes salty breeze sunshine and a hammock.
but if i am going to be here for a bit (which i am), i at least wish there was some snow so that i could build a giant fort and tunnel system in one of those huge piles left by the bulldozers. or a sweet tree house, with heat. that would be cool.
i like that. burying myself in things. like snow or sand or leaves or dirt or blankets or people. it's weird, but i do. i think the feeling that comes with being completely covered and surrounded by those things appeals to me. the warmth found inside buried snow, crisp warm grains of sand, the smell of dirt and leaves, the comfortable calm safety and togetherness of people and blankets. thats what i need right now.
did you know that a person needs at least 6 meaningful touches a day from others?
thats what i need. someone who will just snuggle down with me while i do my homework and hang out and keep me calmed down and from academic panic. in my living room, with the fire on, with some hot tea and maybe some beef stew or shepherds pie or soup or something.
everything will be alright.
everything will work out, get done, get sorted and be still.
i am constantly struggling with giving myself peace, letting myself be peaceful and experiencing that incredible aspect of God that is peace. i am constantly conflicted and thinking and processing every little aspect of my life that i am easily overwhelmed and worn out by it. i am very stubborn you know. i am working at it, and some days are harder, a lot harder, than others but i've been allowing my rebellion and guilt to still and just let myself have peace sometimes.
what changes now is usually best for our futures and all is full of love.
always love because without it you are nothing and have nothing.
anyone who says otherwise is full of horseshit. road apples.
because everything changes and you'll know who and what is replaceable, isn't and won't ever be.
hold out for the ones you know will love you.
so let it be well, let it be still, allow yourself some peace.
merry christmas everyone. in less than a week i will stuffed with homemade christmas cookies. i love you.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
OJ
i have the greatest friends in the whole world.
i'm sure most people, at some point in time, think this.
but i really do.
mine are the greatest.
yes, i know the greatest people in the whole world, everyone worth knowing and investing in.
i am just short 2 weeks out of graduating (hopefully, i don't see why not). it's going to take a lot of finesse (IE: i have so much chemistry homework to do), and i may be here in january just to get some more work done. point being, a year from now, i won't be here. i won't be seeing the people i love here in this place, i'll be seeing them elsewhere. i'm alright with that for the most part simply because i find it very gratifying that i have nothing keeping me anywhere. i am tied to nothing, i have nothing pulling me in one direction or the other really. no job to stick around for, no classes to finish, no boyfriend to DTR over everything, just me and my closest, dearest friends i will keep.
that's kind of awesome.
man i love orange juice.
i'm sure most people, at some point in time, think this.
but i really do.
mine are the greatest.
yes, i know the greatest people in the whole world, everyone worth knowing and investing in.
i am just short 2 weeks out of graduating (hopefully, i don't see why not). it's going to take a lot of finesse (IE: i have so much chemistry homework to do), and i may be here in january just to get some more work done. point being, a year from now, i won't be here. i won't be seeing the people i love here in this place, i'll be seeing them elsewhere. i'm alright with that for the most part simply because i find it very gratifying that i have nothing keeping me anywhere. i am tied to nothing, i have nothing pulling me in one direction or the other really. no job to stick around for, no classes to finish, no boyfriend to DTR over everything, just me and my closest, dearest friends i will keep.
that's kind of awesome.
man i love orange juice.
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