oh jeff buckley

i wish you could make sweet sweet melodious love to me.

come on you gutless

a list of valid, true thoughts:

A: it really is a shitty thing that we base so much of what we know about people from the impressions we get, make, and give.  its shitty that so much depends on that, but would you like to know what saddens me more? the fact that, as human beings, we should know and be aware of the fact the humans, people are so much deeper, so much more complex and complicated and aware/unaware, confident/unconfident than we ever come off being.  so if we know this, why do we still base so much and judge so much off those impressions? 

who one is in front and around other people is hardly who one is in reality. this is just a fact. read it, accept it, understand it and let it sink in. the impression you give is never who you are. ever. 

it never will be either. 

and its not a matter of genuineness or honesty with oneself or self awareness, its a matter of people are guarded, people are cautious because people are assholes, people are cruel. any one person has the capability to make another feel like shit and an idiot without ever saying a word.  we are guarded and hidden because we know that people are judging us severely on that impression, so why not leave a false one? or a lesser one? a dumbed down shallow impression of yourself? because an impression is like an apparition, it doesn't really exist and is made out of air and you can't hurt air. you can't be an asshole and make something that technically doesn't exist feel like shit. 

here's the catch though: 

it hurts us when we can't be us.  it hurts us when we know that someone thinks of us as something, someone we are not and that we have never tried to be. if it doesn't, you are a liar. you are. if you don't care how others see you or how others think you are, if you don't feel you are responsible for your impressions, you are a liar or bluntly, severely fucked up. 

i've never wanted to be the fool. 

but i'm sure some certainly see me that way. 

i've never wanted to be art girl or music girl or movie girl either.

but i'm sure some certainly see me that way. 

i've never wanted to be foul-mouthed, argumentative graceless girl.

but i'm sure some certainly see me that way. 

i've never wanted to be talentless, unmotivated and ignorant either.

but i know some see me that way.

and i've never wanted to be self-deprication central or as extremely arrogant

and i know some see me that way.

but i am responsible for those impressions just as much as others are at a loss for not exploring or disproving them.

i've had a goal for the past 2 years to move past impressions, to disband them and to some extent make them fall. and its fucking hard because people don't want you to know them, people don't give a fuck if you do and they don't give a fuck about you or who you might be.  a lot of people are content with the impressions because its too much effort to break them down. and this is a huge struggle for me because there are just some people i really want to get to know who don't give a fuck or are functioning under some severe impressions that they don't give a fuck enough to change.  

to not just have impressions or ideas or perceptions but to KNOW.

it is the most frustrating thing.

i miss a very dear friend of mine because the way and means which we got to know each other was so blissfully uncomplicated and open.  there were no impressions, just interest in each others person and company - no bullshit.  if i wanted to go to a movie, we'd go to a movie. if he wanted to drive to muncie, we'd drive to muncie. it was purely enjoying each others company and the fact that spending time knowing each other was fun and worth it.  

i miss the easiness of it, the effortlessness. 

more later

but as for now

i miss MY moosh and i hate not having him here to balance out all the star struck small talk art fucks.

that is all.

EUREKA!

APPARENTLY

we are immobilized turtles

who immobilize each other!

ZZZZZZING

ie:

we're fucked?

to my dearest schmoo baby cube

you are the greatest most lovely most intelligent awesome funny witty gutsy friend i have ever had and this, among many reasons (most of which i will try to name), is why you are my best friend and i hold you in the highest esteem.

you are a sister to me

you are my family 

you understand, validate, call me out and put up with so much of my shit.

my dark days. 

the ones i have recently come upon especially. 

looking back on the past 2 years of our amazing friendship, i know that i could not have gone through those 2 years without you.

its just the truth of the matter. i could not have. i would have gone fucking crazy. 

because no one supports me like you do

i am not afraid to love myself because you love me. 

i am not afraid to speak my mind because you let me. 

i am not afraid to tell my secrets to you because you have them. 

i am not afraid to cry with you because you cry for me. 

i am not afraid to pour my heart out to you because your heart has the strength and immense space to take in mine. 

i am not afraid to bare my soul to you because thats what you want from me. 

you never want nothing less or nothing more than ME.

i don't ever want or need to be anything else but myself. 

you see me as i am, as i was and as i can and will be. you see that more than i can see that myself. 

and i don't have that with ANYONE

especially like i have that comfort with you.  

you inspire me and humble me. 

you hold me accountable and encourage me.

i can feel my brain growing, myself growing when i spend time with you because it is always time well spent, whether it be hours over coffee, a quick drive or a hysterics fest before bed. 

you are so fucking smart it amazes me that someone as intelligent and well spoken and sure of themselves as you could find so much value in me. you are so willing and gracious and your heart is so fecking huge when it comes to people - you draw people to you. 

you have so much light in you emily rhude. its one of the first things i noticed about you. your light, your soul, your history, your progress, your humbleness, your knowledge, your determination, your dreams, your opinions all shine from you. you radiate with it honey and that ain't no lie. 

i don't see that in anyone as much as i do or have always seen in you.

and i am so so blessed and glad to say and to know and to believe that we will always have this. you have let me share so much of my life with you, things i haven't ever shared with anyone and i have been so blessed to have you share yourself so thoroughly with me that no matter how far we may be from each other (which hopefully, i pray, will never be too far because thinking about it i know i probably would not survive) that we will always be bonded. 

kindred.

marked for life. 

regardless of our amazing enviable badass tats. 

if you ask me, you probably marked me with that light of yours a hell of a long time ago. 

AND

you make the best fucking birthday cards EVER. 

no shit. its above my bed. so i can see slug and your lovely hand in it every morning next to the picture of my dad and i. 

thank you for being there for me. through everything.

the good, the bad, the depressing, the pathetic.

no matter what i'm feeling

i know that the only way i get through most of it is because God has blessed me with you and your immensely understanding heart. 

thank you for making me comfortable enough to depend on you because i don't like depending on people. 

thank you for loving me as myself because myself is something not a lot of people get to see. i honestly think it's just you and the Big Man Upstairs. 

thank you for including me in your life, for sharing it with me and for letting me in it. thank you for blessing me with it.  

this is probably all the words i have for now, because there are millions more i could say (especially about how HOTT you are). i will always try my damndest to take care of you and i will make you sandwiches anytime you want, even when you are having the greatest day ever. i will wash wooley by hand, i will organize your clothes, i will write you letters, i'll go get you kambutcha, i'll keep bitches off your movies, and i'll deck anyone who tries to fuck with you into next month. 

i love you more than i could ever say or promise with words. 

i hope you had/will have a good day :)

and i feel them drown my name

i say again

GIVE ME SOUL

SHOW ME

that people have SOUL

have SOULS

that they KNOW

that they STRUGGLE to know

that they STRIVE TOWARDS KNOWING

not just THIER OWN

but those of OTHERS

and perhaps, slightly, my hope in humanity might be renewed. 

because, again, all the SOUL i seem to ever find is in the voices and words of dead men. 

is everyone so ignorant? so willingly able to be so separate from everyone? to be so disconnected with themselves? so unwilling to search themselves and MAKE something of it?

let us get something straight

to all of my christian female peers:

I
am "alone" because i CHOOSE to be alone.
do i get lonely?
sure.
do i sometimes desire a flurry of (almost) romance/respect with decent, intelligent male-like companion? (preferably who likes hip hop?)
sure.
do i sometimes wish i had even a semi-decent man for, at the very least, a booty call?
sure (and if i REALLY wanted to get into such a hot fucking mess, i probably do).

BUT
i don't need to be validated by a man.
i need to be respected by one.
challenged by one.
supported by one.
and basically, one who actually knows what a vagina is, isn't afraid to say it or of it, and bluntly, knows how to work it.
oh! and who isn't afraid to be honest with me, with himself, with how he feels and thinks.

and since all these things are RARE
(IE: something i have YET to see)
i will continue choosing to be alone.


so please.
FUCK OFF and quit hounding me on my non-apparent life mate,
and enough of that god damn wild at heart, captivating bullshit sex talk.
it bores me.

always,
gabe