part one:
subcategory: my girlfriends
when i was a sophomore here, basically one of the worst years and the best years i've ever experienced, i was going to transfer to art school, where i would have no doubt, in the best terminology, either would have become an extreme fuck up or a huge hermit basket case with dogs (the latter might still happen...) anyway, i stuck around because even though that was the worst year in my college career, it was also the year that i learned the most from and a lot of that learning stemmed from the solid friendships that i developed with a lot of awesome women here. i mention this year because i know that through those friendships, i became much more confident in myself but also it taught me and allowed me to build really solid friendships after the fact. i know so many great women who go to school here, who live here etc. not only am i blessed with beautiful strong smart housemates, but i am blessed to say that every woman that i have thus since formed friendships have been really solid, whether they be my housemates, my friends, my art peers, my coworkers or a combination - every one of my closest girlfriends are all strong, confident, talented, intelligent, beautiful, hilarious, mature, compassionate, supportive, respectful, open-minded, healing women. they are not girls, they are women. and i don't mean to get bitchy or even generalize, but most guys here don't even know what that is or how to handle it, it's not seen as confidence or experience or wisdom or depth of character, its seen as baggage or craziness. any guy here would be lucky to have any of these women as a friend or even an acquaintance, it's just a sad fact that pretty much most guys here are still boys who want girls, who want them a certain way, to look a certain way, to have a certain thing about them, etc. some fucked up standard because they don't know what a woman is and how blessed they would be to have one like any of my girlfriends. we are just so blessed (though frustrating) to be at a point where we know that we are women, not girls. girls go to boys with expectations and boys meet them there with equal expectations without any of the moving. women meet men half way because both are willing to.
my girlfriends, they know who they are, they know what they've been through and they have faced it and allowed it to contribute to their growth and their person and have built such a solid character and confidence with it and i am honored and blessed to have such confidants.
coming soon, part two
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
brothers
my brother is finally coming to visit me this weekend.
he is 18 months younger than myself and i miss him tremendously every day.
can i just share how incredibly happy and excited that makes me?
he is 18 months younger than myself and i miss him tremendously every day.
can i just share how incredibly happy and excited that makes me?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
wowzerz
i have grown up a lot.
i was thinking about even just where i was a year ago, two years ago, and typically, how much has happened since then and i realized that i have grown a lot as a person.
i have become more comfortable in my own skin to the point where i might just be content staying in it for a bit longer.
many little things have happened which usually become bigger things as time progresses. those little things become more important and the important things become minimal and in between there's this point of contentment, however brief.
i am thankful for that.
life is about learning and to learn, you have to experience and there are so many different ways to experience things because each person is different: it's not black and white, all or nothing. you don't need to go full force to experience something or to have one. you put yourself out there or you don't, just be aware of your thoughts and your actions and their benefits. i haven't really had many of what one would call 'an experience', but i process everything that happens to me, from waking up to eating to speaking to creating to loving to sleeping - i am aware that i process. i process the hell out of everything.
and that works for me.
i have grown and i have changed and it doesn't matter if any one else knows or notices because i know, i notice and its been working out well. i used to be a much more complicated person. complicated as in unconfident, overanalyzing and critical, i would make things hard for myself sometimes, consciously or not.
i still do some of those things, i'm still critical and i overthink a lot, but i'm simpler.
i'm working on becoming basic.
basic, forward ad guilt free.
i never thought i'd be here.
i have grown up a lot.
i was thinking about even just where i was a year ago, two years ago, and typically, how much has happened since then and i realized that i have grown a lot as a person.
i have become more comfortable in my own skin to the point where i might just be content staying in it for a bit longer.
many little things have happened which usually become bigger things as time progresses. those little things become more important and the important things become minimal and in between there's this point of contentment, however brief.
i am thankful for that.
life is about learning and to learn, you have to experience and there are so many different ways to experience things because each person is different: it's not black and white, all or nothing. you don't need to go full force to experience something or to have one. you put yourself out there or you don't, just be aware of your thoughts and your actions and their benefits. i haven't really had many of what one would call 'an experience', but i process everything that happens to me, from waking up to eating to speaking to creating to loving to sleeping - i am aware that i process. i process the hell out of everything.
and that works for me.
i have grown and i have changed and it doesn't matter if any one else knows or notices because i know, i notice and its been working out well. i used to be a much more complicated person. complicated as in unconfident, overanalyzing and critical, i would make things hard for myself sometimes, consciously or not.
i still do some of those things, i'm still critical and i overthink a lot, but i'm simpler.
i'm working on becoming basic.
basic, forward ad guilt free.
i never thought i'd be here.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
i've heard a lot of people complaining lately "yeah, it's been so cool it's like summer wasn't even here..." whine whine whine
i'm loving this weather personally, the quicker it gets cooler the happier i tend to become.
it's a time for breaking out the tegan and sara along with my dad's flannel shirt and driving around with my bestie.
i am back in the studio, which always makes me happy and i am reminded of the certainty i feel when i'm in that room. i am not certain of very much, i am not supposed to be, nor do i expect it, but it brings me great comfort and a lot of joy working prints and i am certain of its place in my existence and where it will take me.
autumn in upon us soon and autumn for me tends to be bittersweet in many ways. i have my best times and my worst times in the fall it seems and it's been that way since my freshmen year here - some of it probably has to do with this place but i know a lot of it is the fact that a lot of my harder experiences have occurred in the months of autumn. i have physically lost people that i love, i have grown distant in every other way to others, the non communication of summer just carrying over sometimes, and i have a tendency to grow lost and distant with myself a little bit and my mind tends to go to dark places. this is a part of me all throughout the year but it is most apparent and menacing come autumn. i am aware of this and in years past i have just prepared myself for it knowing it will come full on.
But, this summer, knowing this would be coming, i started really thinking about where these dark places were rooted and what causes them to grow - in a way, what do i do to encourage their fruition and what am i not doing to keep them from it? Granted, ones feelings are natural and never wrong (as the wise woman says) and i know that they are valid and explicable, but basically, i realized (as cliche as it is) that when my mind and heart goes to these places, the depression, the deprecation, the confusion, nervousness, lostness, uncertainty, restlessness and dissatisfaction that seems to blanket my life, i am clearly loving something (any aspect of that) more than i love God. and it's not an issue of loving really, but more of a familiarity with a dark cycle that gives me some sort of control. that's what it comes down to, control.
and thats what i've been thinking about. control. i have a really hard time with control and by control i mean Grace. that's all i have been thinking about these past few months: Grace. what Grace actually means, which is complete, unconditional surrender of control over to God's Providence. when it comes to Providence and Grace, i am the rebellious pistol of a child with everything in them fighting the ones they love just out of unfamiliarity, fear, guilt, vulnerability and hence rebellion. Rebellion grows out of that fear to trust, because when that control or lack of trust is in YOUR hands, at least the outcome is somewhat known or expected.
the best and easiest personal example of this is simply getting back to campus, seeing all the couples frolic around and feeling bitter and depressed because i can't even get a guy i see everyday to look me in the eye, let alone speak to me. this bitterness adds to all of this, and all of this feeds on it - what's wrong with ME? am i completely disgusting or unapproachable? how is the acceptance of grace handle this? i'm loving that bitterness and trusting in it more than i trust God, i would rather be bitter and angry and hateful and hurtful towards myself and my loneliness than come to the full realization that i will always be lonely until i live out the fact that i will never be able to love anyone or be with anyone properly and in the way i want until i know that i love and want to be with God that way, and that God loves and wants to be with me and that i love myself that way. that is just the basic human truth of the matter.
does that make sense? some of you might be thinking 'oh shit, she's gone to the dark side with the Captivating bullshit', but that's not what i mean and this is just one of the more visual examples of what i'm trying to explain. and i know it's the truth, i know i will never be happy with anything until i learn to fully abandon self and accept this Grace and trust in this Providence in all aspects of my life. which is fucking hard for anyone, myself included since there are maybe only 5 people in the whole world who actually know me through and through. it is my first instinct, always, always, always, to be someone other than myself with someone that i meet or even hang out with and it is a very rare rare RARE instance when i feel comfortable enough with someone who hardly knows me to be my person - and you know it if you've seen it. it usually takes years. this included God.
so i am embarking on this fall with that in my mind, i need to keep it in mind and work towards it all year. it will be difficult giving that up, but i need to and thankfully and blessedly, i live with 3 beautiful wonderful girls who know me the best, who support this and support and love me unconditionally even after knowing all of this. i will have my bad days, days akin to last fall and previous experiences and they will suck and there will be people who won't understand and position away from me - change and growth tend to do that in ones life, growing in love and self awareness. due to some complications from last semester, i am going to do another show and not one through the school, which is excellent, a series of woodcuts dealing with these states of rebelliousness and acceptance involved in Grace. i have to find my own venue, make my own frames, put on my own show, probably somewhere in muncie and i am very excited to do that again, as stressful as it was. some of you didn't really know me last january, but it was the best and the most stressful month of my life - like being physically dead but mentally, emotionally and metaphysically alive.
i am oddly looking forward to that.
i'm loving this weather personally, the quicker it gets cooler the happier i tend to become.
it's a time for breaking out the tegan and sara along with my dad's flannel shirt and driving around with my bestie.
i am back in the studio, which always makes me happy and i am reminded of the certainty i feel when i'm in that room. i am not certain of very much, i am not supposed to be, nor do i expect it, but it brings me great comfort and a lot of joy working prints and i am certain of its place in my existence and where it will take me.
autumn in upon us soon and autumn for me tends to be bittersweet in many ways. i have my best times and my worst times in the fall it seems and it's been that way since my freshmen year here - some of it probably has to do with this place but i know a lot of it is the fact that a lot of my harder experiences have occurred in the months of autumn. i have physically lost people that i love, i have grown distant in every other way to others, the non communication of summer just carrying over sometimes, and i have a tendency to grow lost and distant with myself a little bit and my mind tends to go to dark places. this is a part of me all throughout the year but it is most apparent and menacing come autumn. i am aware of this and in years past i have just prepared myself for it knowing it will come full on.
But, this summer, knowing this would be coming, i started really thinking about where these dark places were rooted and what causes them to grow - in a way, what do i do to encourage their fruition and what am i not doing to keep them from it? Granted, ones feelings are natural and never wrong (as the wise woman says) and i know that they are valid and explicable, but basically, i realized (as cliche as it is) that when my mind and heart goes to these places, the depression, the deprecation, the confusion, nervousness, lostness, uncertainty, restlessness and dissatisfaction that seems to blanket my life, i am clearly loving something (any aspect of that) more than i love God. and it's not an issue of loving really, but more of a familiarity with a dark cycle that gives me some sort of control. that's what it comes down to, control.
and thats what i've been thinking about. control. i have a really hard time with control and by control i mean Grace. that's all i have been thinking about these past few months: Grace. what Grace actually means, which is complete, unconditional surrender of control over to God's Providence. when it comes to Providence and Grace, i am the rebellious pistol of a child with everything in them fighting the ones they love just out of unfamiliarity, fear, guilt, vulnerability and hence rebellion. Rebellion grows out of that fear to trust, because when that control or lack of trust is in YOUR hands, at least the outcome is somewhat known or expected.
the best and easiest personal example of this is simply getting back to campus, seeing all the couples frolic around and feeling bitter and depressed because i can't even get a guy i see everyday to look me in the eye, let alone speak to me. this bitterness adds to all of this, and all of this feeds on it - what's wrong with ME? am i completely disgusting or unapproachable? how is the acceptance of grace handle this? i'm loving that bitterness and trusting in it more than i trust God, i would rather be bitter and angry and hateful and hurtful towards myself and my loneliness than come to the full realization that i will always be lonely until i live out the fact that i will never be able to love anyone or be with anyone properly and in the way i want until i know that i love and want to be with God that way, and that God loves and wants to be with me and that i love myself that way. that is just the basic human truth of the matter.
does that make sense? some of you might be thinking 'oh shit, she's gone to the dark side with the Captivating bullshit', but that's not what i mean and this is just one of the more visual examples of what i'm trying to explain. and i know it's the truth, i know i will never be happy with anything until i learn to fully abandon self and accept this Grace and trust in this Providence in all aspects of my life. which is fucking hard for anyone, myself included since there are maybe only 5 people in the whole world who actually know me through and through. it is my first instinct, always, always, always, to be someone other than myself with someone that i meet or even hang out with and it is a very rare rare RARE instance when i feel comfortable enough with someone who hardly knows me to be my person - and you know it if you've seen it. it usually takes years. this included God.
so i am embarking on this fall with that in my mind, i need to keep it in mind and work towards it all year. it will be difficult giving that up, but i need to and thankfully and blessedly, i live with 3 beautiful wonderful girls who know me the best, who support this and support and love me unconditionally even after knowing all of this. i will have my bad days, days akin to last fall and previous experiences and they will suck and there will be people who won't understand and position away from me - change and growth tend to do that in ones life, growing in love and self awareness. due to some complications from last semester, i am going to do another show and not one through the school, which is excellent, a series of woodcuts dealing with these states of rebelliousness and acceptance involved in Grace. i have to find my own venue, make my own frames, put on my own show, probably somewhere in muncie and i am very excited to do that again, as stressful as it was. some of you didn't really know me last january, but it was the best and the most stressful month of my life - like being physically dead but mentally, emotionally and metaphysically alive.
i am oddly looking forward to that.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
i'll even cook for you
FRIENDS!
huzzay
print practicum = solid. i cannot wait.
t-shirts. t shirts galore. letterpress. woodcuts. back to getting big guns from grinding stones.
folk dancing :(
payne's! :)
general chemistry :) / :(
we don't know yet
hopefully visiting my brother soon.
:) :) :)
cooking and trying out new recipes on my roomies (and honorary housemans)
the song 'Sexy MF' by Prince. it brings me great joy.
bestie belting out Celine in the car = awesome FOREVER.
uncorking a Trappist beverage and the cork NOT shooting off into oblivion this time.
huzzay
print practicum = solid. i cannot wait.
t-shirts. t shirts galore. letterpress. woodcuts. back to getting big guns from grinding stones.
folk dancing :(
payne's! :)
general chemistry :) / :(
we don't know yet
hopefully visiting my brother soon.
:) :) :)
cooking and trying out new recipes on my roomies (and honorary housemans)
the song 'Sexy MF' by Prince. it brings me great joy.
bestie belting out Celine in the car = awesome FOREVER.
uncorking a Trappist beverage and the cork NOT shooting off into oblivion this time.
Monday, August 17, 2009
people are tricky
hello:update
back at school - in our man cottage (i will never tire of calling it that...we're making a sign) - and i am back to be in the company of some of my fine young ladies whom i missed very much (as well as A gentlemen, our 5th house member).
its weird being back here. its kind of hard in a way because there are a lot of people i am expecting to see here that i will actually never see here again. i have not gotten used to that yet and i don't like thinking about it. it makes me think about last year, about how so much and not so much can happen in a years time, especially the smallest unexpected things. i think about last year and last spring semester because in a way, i spent the past 4 years building up this house of cards because i am a person who puts people and things in a particular placement in my life and i expect them to stick and stay there, unmoved. some people, those i am closest with, will always be there and always be around but the past year, others had a tendency to shift from their appointed positions, moved around a little bit, different placement and before i know it i'm playing fucking 52 pick-up.
cheesy analogy i know, but its true.
my relationships and contexts with people have changed and a lot of those people are no longer here. some of them will be around, but i don't know where to place them. should i attempt to build another house, set these remaining people in a certain placement and context of my life simply because its easy? less effort? less bullshit? less not saying what we're thinking and more thinking about what we're saying?
or do i just want to let everyone move about freely, find their own placement based on their own levels of investment and vulnerability. instead of trying to fit one into a space they don't even know their in, where, without knowing, they don't know what is required or expected or hoped for and hence the bullshit begins.
i try not to expect a lot from people and i'm a pretty simple person. it doesn't take much to please me, let alone make me laugh, but i think that this past year and especially this past semester and summer, i have equally expected to much as well as too little. to be expectant is to be exhausted and exhausting. last year required a lot of sifting and protection, defense.
i will probably continue that defense to be honest.
vulnerability is way too difficult to be with just anyone. i just want to get out of here as quick as i can, and i want to spend that time with the people i am closest to, the people i know, spending my time getting closer and remaining closer to them. after printmaking, i don't have it in me to invest in anything more than that. i don't want to meet any knew people, i don't want to have to silently convince any person that i want to know them better and that i am worth knowing, let alone worry about the bullshit damage control of I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU or YOU ARE TOO INTIMIDATING OF A GIRL. i don't have to want to sit there are try and figure out what people are thinking, say what you want and say what you mean and mean what you say.
come september i start applying for internships and apprenticeships. i am looking mostly in the upper east coast/new england area and that is mostly where i intend to go. i do not know what will happen from now until then, i do not know who and what will change and i'm not anticipating or expecting anything. i am just going to go about my life, living in my house, hanging out with my bestie and my girls and my boys, printmaking, cooking, drinking some beer and just hanging out and for one semester of my college career just letting myself BE. i will not try to foresee my future, i will not try to make anything happen that is not meant to, i will not over-analyze, deprecate or over-think, i will just let myself be and whatever happens happens. in anything.
that is where i'm at, if you're sticking around and if you're getting closer, thats great. thats really really great and i'm glad to have you in my life. if you're not, you're not and thats fine.
back at school - in our man cottage (i will never tire of calling it that...we're making a sign) - and i am back to be in the company of some of my fine young ladies whom i missed very much (as well as A gentlemen, our 5th house member).
its weird being back here. its kind of hard in a way because there are a lot of people i am expecting to see here that i will actually never see here again. i have not gotten used to that yet and i don't like thinking about it. it makes me think about last year, about how so much and not so much can happen in a years time, especially the smallest unexpected things. i think about last year and last spring semester because in a way, i spent the past 4 years building up this house of cards because i am a person who puts people and things in a particular placement in my life and i expect them to stick and stay there, unmoved. some people, those i am closest with, will always be there and always be around but the past year, others had a tendency to shift from their appointed positions, moved around a little bit, different placement and before i know it i'm playing fucking 52 pick-up.
cheesy analogy i know, but its true.
my relationships and contexts with people have changed and a lot of those people are no longer here. some of them will be around, but i don't know where to place them. should i attempt to build another house, set these remaining people in a certain placement and context of my life simply because its easy? less effort? less bullshit? less not saying what we're thinking and more thinking about what we're saying?
or do i just want to let everyone move about freely, find their own placement based on their own levels of investment and vulnerability. instead of trying to fit one into a space they don't even know their in, where, without knowing, they don't know what is required or expected or hoped for and hence the bullshit begins.
i try not to expect a lot from people and i'm a pretty simple person. it doesn't take much to please me, let alone make me laugh, but i think that this past year and especially this past semester and summer, i have equally expected to much as well as too little. to be expectant is to be exhausted and exhausting. last year required a lot of sifting and protection, defense.
i will probably continue that defense to be honest.
vulnerability is way too difficult to be with just anyone. i just want to get out of here as quick as i can, and i want to spend that time with the people i am closest to, the people i know, spending my time getting closer and remaining closer to them. after printmaking, i don't have it in me to invest in anything more than that. i don't want to meet any knew people, i don't want to have to silently convince any person that i want to know them better and that i am worth knowing, let alone worry about the bullshit damage control of I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU or YOU ARE TOO INTIMIDATING OF A GIRL. i don't have to want to sit there are try and figure out what people are thinking, say what you want and say what you mean and mean what you say.
come september i start applying for internships and apprenticeships. i am looking mostly in the upper east coast/new england area and that is mostly where i intend to go. i do not know what will happen from now until then, i do not know who and what will change and i'm not anticipating or expecting anything. i am just going to go about my life, living in my house, hanging out with my bestie and my girls and my boys, printmaking, cooking, drinking some beer and just hanging out and for one semester of my college career just letting myself BE. i will not try to foresee my future, i will not try to make anything happen that is not meant to, i will not over-analyze, deprecate or over-think, i will just let myself be and whatever happens happens. in anything.
that is where i'm at, if you're sticking around and if you're getting closer, thats great. thats really really great and i'm glad to have you in my life. if you're not, you're not and thats fine.
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