other summer goals (more meaningful "life accomplishments" goals):
1. record some music. a few songs at least. make cd's. send them to a select few or let maybe a select few hear them.
2. take pictures of my entire portfolio and start another blog/site entirely about that. (have you seen the portfolio? it's a beast. oh jeez marge...)
3. quit bitching and complaining. i miss everyone, let us leave it at that and some more than others and that is always going to be complicated and the case. *see numero cinco
4. spend more time outside in my yard and woods instead of inside not really doing anything.
5. going out on more limbs IE: taking some more risks in a lot of ways. i don't really do that, especially with people, but there's no time like the present so beware, you might be hearing a declaration of love soon (jkjk...or am i?)
6. the other day i am fairly certain i realized my life's goal and ambition. what i want to work towards, pursue and spend the next 10 year working shitty jobs trying to accomplish. i know what it is, i know what i want it to be, i know what it will be called. how to get to it is not completely certain yet. but even just thinking about this prospect gets me so damn excited that i will do anything to make sure it can come to fruition.
that is all. the next time i blog will be an end of the summer update on these goals.
to everyone i miss, i love and miss you. i think of you constantly and send good things your way whether that be in the mail, thoughts, prayers or high esteem. i hope you are well and that you are happy and trying to be happy and enjoying your days.
until next time, my best
Friday, June 12, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
if it's gonna be at all...
what my summer will hopefully be all about
1. writing letters. i like to write letters. if you want letters and are good at writing them, send me your address. i love writing to people and having a continuous long distance discussion - at least for me, its more meaningful and i can be more genuine and articulate. i'm terrible on the phone, but i'm pretty ok in writing. i like having people to write to and respond to.
2. finally finishing Les Miserables. i have started this book many times and i'll be damned if i don't get through it, and many others, this summer. cosette i'm talking to you!
3. my herb garden. go ahead. make a week joke. whatever. lemon verbena, basil, dill, cilantro, parsley, thyme, sage, chive, lavender. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
4. tomatoes. and blt or belt sandwiches.
5. woodcuts.
6. KYACKING oh my GOSH so excited.
7. getting up to syracuse to visit elizabeth.
8. reading more books on philosophy and religion and space time. list coming soon.
9. the 4th annual dolores and humbert doomed romance picnic.
10. NOT drinking Dr. Pepper with cherry. really now, do we have to take away your Ph.D just because you feel like fucking around with one of your already 23 flavors? if its already good, don't touch it.
11. hiking and bonfires in my backyard.
12. riding my bike
13. Great Lakes Grassroots Ale. hello beautiful.
14. working on being a more articulate genuine person. i recently realized that i left the constant company of someone who, whenever i was around them, i wanted to better myself, i wanted to better all the things i don't really like or that i wish were better, in action, in words, in working, in anything i can. they just made me think more about how to better myself. i'm going to try working on those things.
1. writing letters. i like to write letters. if you want letters and are good at writing them, send me your address. i love writing to people and having a continuous long distance discussion - at least for me, its more meaningful and i can be more genuine and articulate. i'm terrible on the phone, but i'm pretty ok in writing. i like having people to write to and respond to.
2. finally finishing Les Miserables. i have started this book many times and i'll be damned if i don't get through it, and many others, this summer. cosette i'm talking to you!
3. my herb garden. go ahead. make a week joke. whatever. lemon verbena, basil, dill, cilantro, parsley, thyme, sage, chive, lavender. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
4. tomatoes. and blt or belt sandwiches.
5. woodcuts.
6. KYACKING oh my GOSH so excited.
7. getting up to syracuse to visit elizabeth.
8. reading more books on philosophy and religion and space time. list coming soon.
9. the 4th annual dolores and humbert doomed romance picnic.
10. NOT drinking Dr. Pepper with cherry. really now, do we have to take away your Ph.D just because you feel like fucking around with one of your already 23 flavors? if its already good, don't touch it.
11. hiking and bonfires in my backyard.
12. riding my bike
13. Great Lakes Grassroots Ale. hello beautiful.
14. working on being a more articulate genuine person. i recently realized that i left the constant company of someone who, whenever i was around them, i wanted to better myself, i wanted to better all the things i don't really like or that i wish were better, in action, in words, in working, in anything i can. they just made me think more about how to better myself. i'm going to try working on those things.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
the meteorite
a small list of things that inspire me, that i'm thankful for, that i love/really really like, that make me happy: a reminder
1. dogs
2. sweaters
3. colder weather
4. cranberry bogs
5. prints
6. kurt vonnegut
7. kerouac (mmmm <3)
8. egg sandwiches with hummus/breakfast
9. beer. its probably my equivalent to getting me a diamond. britty you have showered me with metaphorical diamonds.
10. jeff buckley (the only man i would have ever married)** just a little note, i seriously love this man. a lot. so much so that i am honestly considering making a love for him a standard for any guy i would ever consider dating. i think of it as a "weed out" standard.
11. another weed out standard? an aversion to true feminism. did i say nazi feminism? i hate men feminism? no. true feminism = IE i respect women as my equals in every aspect not i respect them in that "christian" closeted-misogynist i'm clearly ignorant on what feminism really means way. so basically, if you were to read this and roll your eyes and think "silly extremist" you're out. if you don't have the ability to swallow your pride and actually read and learn what feminism really is because it terrifies you or you think you're too good for it? you're out.
true feminism.
12. which leads me to, kathleen hannah.
13. french films. i watched Amelie and Love Me If You Dare today and i really hope that It's Not Me, I Swear eventually comes out on some public form of viewing or i will probably cry a lot.
14. french press coffee in the studio with one person or no one there.
15. the smell of etching ink.
16. my family. they are awesome and anyone who marries into this family is one lucky SOB and they don't even know it.
17. bird calls early in the morning
18. people who truly make the effort to get to know others regardless of what personally hinders them.
19. the fact that i know, without any intention of sounding or being arrogant,vain or immodest that i have a desire to nurture people. i have to do it, i have to take care of people i care about the best that i can and i have to help them. this is my true demeanor and i know i was made to be that way. i have a hard time conveying it to others (or they just have a hard time seeing it) but actually most actions i do are out of a need to be gentle, to help but you can't possibly know this unless you're around me everyday or know me very well. i've been trying to convey this more in any way or medium i can.
20. modesty is the most underrated trait in any person and i value it immensely
21. my closest and dearest friends who i will soon be missing quite horribly.
22. keeping in touch via snail mail. its classic and wonderful and actually takes time and effort.
1. dogs
2. sweaters
3. colder weather
4. cranberry bogs
5. prints
6. kurt vonnegut
7. kerouac (mmmm <3)
8. egg sandwiches with hummus/breakfast
9. beer. its probably my equivalent to getting me a diamond. britty you have showered me with metaphorical diamonds.
10. jeff buckley (the only man i would have ever married)** just a little note, i seriously love this man. a lot. so much so that i am honestly considering making a love for him a standard for any guy i would ever consider dating. i think of it as a "weed out" standard.
11. another weed out standard? an aversion to true feminism. did i say nazi feminism? i hate men feminism? no. true feminism = IE i respect women as my equals in every aspect not i respect them in that "christian" closeted-misogynist i'm clearly ignorant on what feminism really means way. so basically, if you were to read this and roll your eyes and think "silly extremist" you're out. if you don't have the ability to swallow your pride and actually read and learn what feminism really is because it terrifies you or you think you're too good for it? you're out.
true feminism.
12. which leads me to, kathleen hannah.
13. french films. i watched Amelie and Love Me If You Dare today and i really hope that It's Not Me, I Swear eventually comes out on some public form of viewing or i will probably cry a lot.
14. french press coffee in the studio with one person or no one there.
15. the smell of etching ink.
16. my family. they are awesome and anyone who marries into this family is one lucky SOB and they don't even know it.
17. bird calls early in the morning
18. people who truly make the effort to get to know others regardless of what personally hinders them.
19. the fact that i know, without any intention of sounding or being arrogant,vain or immodest that i have a desire to nurture people. i have to do it, i have to take care of people i care about the best that i can and i have to help them. this is my true demeanor and i know i was made to be that way. i have a hard time conveying it to others (or they just have a hard time seeing it) but actually most actions i do are out of a need to be gentle, to help but you can't possibly know this unless you're around me everyday or know me very well. i've been trying to convey this more in any way or medium i can.
20. modesty is the most underrated trait in any person and i value it immensely
21. my closest and dearest friends who i will soon be missing quite horribly.
22. keeping in touch via snail mail. its classic and wonderful and actually takes time and effort.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
4.28.2007
"i want to tell you, to let you know somehow, without feeling trite or invalidating you in any way that i know exactly how you feel.
i want to tell you that i know what it feels like to somehow be exhausted by your own life and wish for still nothingness because it requires nothing from you. it doesn't require you to be a certain way or act a certain way or speak, hear, feel, see, love, like, hate a certain way. it doesn't require you to hide or stifle or bury parts of yourself, it doesn't even require you to be you. it doesn't require to think or act on things you should or should not, it doesn't require internal or external conflict, or apathy or action or routine.
nothingness requires nothing.
it is the peaceful, healthy, natural non-existence of anything that is apart of your everyday living."
i'm pretty sure my eternal restlessness will most likely be my demise.
or emphysema.
try.
we're not idiots.
so stop stopping yourself.
i want to tell you that i know what it feels like to somehow be exhausted by your own life and wish for still nothingness because it requires nothing from you. it doesn't require you to be a certain way or act a certain way or speak, hear, feel, see, love, like, hate a certain way. it doesn't require you to hide or stifle or bury parts of yourself, it doesn't even require you to be you. it doesn't require to think or act on things you should or should not, it doesn't require internal or external conflict, or apathy or action or routine.
nothingness requires nothing.
it is the peaceful, healthy, natural non-existence of anything that is apart of your everyday living."
i'm pretty sure my eternal restlessness will most likely be my demise.
or emphysema.
try.
we're not idiots.
so stop stopping yourself.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
until the poets run out of things to write
i am so much older now.
i am glad of you. i am glad i know you, i am glad i care about you and i'm glad i respect you.
i'm glad that you know me, that you respect me and i'm glad that you are glad.
because i don't respect anyone in the same way i respect you, i don't think i ever have in quite the same way and i doubt i ever will.
thank you for being who you are and how you are because i have come to realize that i couldn't nor wouldn't have you any other way. i was younger once and i used to make everyone another way because it was easier to see them my way then to see them as who they were. and when they weren't that way, it was really easy to become bitter and resent them for making me feel that way. some people are very guarded people and there are many different ways to guard yourself and it is very foolish to assume that someone isn't. everyone has their way. their way of speaking and walking and interacting and letting you know that they care about you and sometimes it takes a while to recognize but that doesn't make it any less valuable than if they spit it out on day one.
but make sure they know.
because everyone needs that reassurance.
and you are making sure i know in your way.
and i am glad to say that i know that, that i can finally see it. i know your way.
it makes me very happy because it's where i've always wanted to be.
don't ever make a guy or girl unintentionally make you bitter.
do you know what that does to a person? it's unfair. because why would you willingly and openly care about someone if you know they were trying to make you bitter? no one you can truly care about would ever make you feel that way on purpose. do you see what i'm saying? we usually do it to ourselves. it's easy to let that sit in there and stew into angst and bitterness because it's so much easier and more satisfying to feel shitty than to try and make yourself feel good. its easier to resolve feeling that way to someone making us feel that way when in actuality they have no idea how we're feeling in the first place because, for whatever reason, we did not tell them.
this is going to sound very feminine (surprise! i'm a woman) and i don't mean to imply that we must talk about our feelings all the time but there is no valid excuse to not tell someone how to feel about them if you care about them at all in any sense of the word, even if you think they are really great or maybe just a little odd and especially if you are making them unintentionally make you bitter. how old you are, where you're at, how articulate you are, fear of consequence and how much time you have or don't have are just shitty excuses for rationalization. and its a shitty thing to do to yourself and to other people.
i'm not that girl, so don't make me that girl.
i am glad of you. i am glad i know you, i am glad i care about you and i'm glad i respect you.
i'm glad that you know me, that you respect me and i'm glad that you are glad.
because i don't respect anyone in the same way i respect you, i don't think i ever have in quite the same way and i doubt i ever will.
thank you for being who you are and how you are because i have come to realize that i couldn't nor wouldn't have you any other way. i was younger once and i used to make everyone another way because it was easier to see them my way then to see them as who they were. and when they weren't that way, it was really easy to become bitter and resent them for making me feel that way. some people are very guarded people and there are many different ways to guard yourself and it is very foolish to assume that someone isn't. everyone has their way. their way of speaking and walking and interacting and letting you know that they care about you and sometimes it takes a while to recognize but that doesn't make it any less valuable than if they spit it out on day one.
but make sure they know.
because everyone needs that reassurance.
and you are making sure i know in your way.
and i am glad to say that i know that, that i can finally see it. i know your way.
it makes me very happy because it's where i've always wanted to be.
don't ever make a guy or girl unintentionally make you bitter.
do you know what that does to a person? it's unfair. because why would you willingly and openly care about someone if you know they were trying to make you bitter? no one you can truly care about would ever make you feel that way on purpose. do you see what i'm saying? we usually do it to ourselves. it's easy to let that sit in there and stew into angst and bitterness because it's so much easier and more satisfying to feel shitty than to try and make yourself feel good. its easier to resolve feeling that way to someone making us feel that way when in actuality they have no idea how we're feeling in the first place because, for whatever reason, we did not tell them.
this is going to sound very feminine (surprise! i'm a woman) and i don't mean to imply that we must talk about our feelings all the time but there is no valid excuse to not tell someone how to feel about them if you care about them at all in any sense of the word, even if you think they are really great or maybe just a little odd and especially if you are making them unintentionally make you bitter. how old you are, where you're at, how articulate you are, fear of consequence and how much time you have or don't have are just shitty excuses for rationalization. and its a shitty thing to do to yourself and to other people.
i'm not that girl, so don't make me that girl.
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