ok sorry for my lacking of decent blog matter / anything worth reading but here is my current thought. it is lovely, it makes me kind of happy because it's natural and it's taken years to develop and what seems like hours of time spent in silence. and i feel like some weird progress has been made to a state of existence that is untouchable and unique. i didn't have an epiphany or anything, its more so i am just finally content with things as they are, the situation as is for the most part. 

i apologize because it takes time for me to be actually comfortable with someone, in a conversation with someone. this may sound completely opposite, but i have a hard time talking to people on a more meaningful level i think, especially if they are a person i would like to invest in. it takes time for me to not be flippant anymore or obnoxious or to say just really silly or stupid things.  or to not make a joke. according to my therapist (and this is a fact that i find valid), it is a defense mechanism. i'm learning lately to be more careful with my words, how i speak. i interrupt people a lot and that's just awful. or sometimes my brain is thinking one thing and my mouth says something totally different. and i realize that it's not that i don't think before i speak (though this is known to happen) but i think too much about many things before i verbalize them. hence the interruption problem: there's too much swimming around in there so it all just comes out at once, the important and the silly. and i want to try and hold back these floods of thoughts, narrow them down and articulate them better.

i want to be articulate. the flood comes out of my mouth because i don't really know what to say and what not to because i'm nervous. i'm nervous a lot. i want to use my words well and i want to be able to stop them when they should be stopped and open my ears and mind to listen. 

so i'm learning to be quiet and i am learning to listen. 

may i tell you something? 

i like listening to you. i could listen to you talk for hours i bet, even if you said things i may not originally understand, i'd listen to you explain them. even if i didn't agree with something you said, i would like listening to you debate and defend it. i wish i could listen to you more often, i wish you could tell me things more often, i want to listen to you and i'd like to just sit down and listen to you and know about you. i want you to tell me stories and i want to hear you laugh because i like listening and hearing those things from you. i just like it. not a "look into it" like, not a "what does THAT mean?" like, not a "oh shit you're in love with me" like.

i just like it. i like lots of things about you, all in that simple no meaning no drama uncomplicated sacred way, the way liking is supposed to be: i respect you.