deep
deep
deep
deep
breaths.
must fill every single one of my tar stained alvioli's with air.
3 times
4 times
as many times as i can
breath deep
exhale slowly.
painfully slow.
shakily slow.
3 times
4 times
let it out.
shake it off.
take a step back.
play it cool.
think.
realize.
accept.
and continue.
welcome to the precipice.
remember where you come from, remember who you are, remember you are loved unconditionally, remember you are supported without question or hesitation. remember what you've so far been through, remember what you have learned from that. remember who knows those things and loves them, keep them near to you and distance yourself from those who can't see it, who fear it, who don't understand. everyone has baggage, anyone worth knowing or being with. accept things you can't change, work on the things you can. make yourself happy for one day in your life and fuck everyone else, in the end it means nothing. don't try to fix things, don't try to figure them out, don't try to hold control. love things as they are, if they are good and good for you, they will figure out themselves if they need to be. otherwise, enjoy their unquestionable, simple comfort that they bring. say what needs to be said, hold your tongue when it is necessary and wise. love honestly, live honestly, communicate honestly and go with your guts even when you know you are at fault because your mind can talk you out of anything. take responsibility for your actions because they are yours, you are the only one who can change them, no one can make one do anything, need anything, be anything but yourself. don't make excuses, don't blame others for your problems, don't expect others to come to you, don't sit silent - if you are unhappy, you must change that, no one else. speak up and speak out of love, not out of bitterness or judgement or blame or ignorance, there is always more going on than anyone else really knows. be able to look at yourself critically, squarely, humbly and with modest love because you were made, as you are, to be something greater and bigger than all of this, it will just take some time.
do what you need to do, pray for wisdom and pray pray and pray for grace. grace and wisdom and love. no one needs more than that. because at the end of the day, regardless of physical suffering, everyone is suffering. all of humanity is suffering one way or another whether it be global or communal or personal - know that you are, identify it and with it and remember those who really are and give praise for your mercy, for your grace and be grateful.
figure it out
do it
get it done
and be done with it.
when i am older, i will have an orange tree.
in a month or so, i will probably cut off all my hair.
tomorrow i will pack.
an hour ago, i was drinking coffee out of my peter pan mug in my safe place.
an hour from now i will be at the post office sending off a letter.
this time last week i was sleeping.
this time next week i'll be at home with my sister.
this time next year i'll know where i want to be and who i'll want to be with.
this time a year ago i didn't even know you.
i can't wait to take my shoes off and look up at the stars without freezing.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
infj
i've been listening to a lot of music lately. dumb statement, but i bring it up because it put in my mind an interesting correlation i have noticed.
certain music obviously stimulates people differently, duh, everyone is different. what i mean is, i'm finding that most people i know usually fall into two very broad categories: people who listen to music because of the actual sound and music, and people who listen to music mostly for lyrical content. these are obviously not strict categories and everyone is a little or a lot of both, but its interesting to me because this leads into the very important fact of how music is interpreted for each person, which then leads to the whole mixtape mix cd culture so involved in generation x.
music conveys different things to each person, whether that be through lyrical or musical content. i listen to a lot of music without words that rips my heart out but a lot of the music i listen to i love so much because of words combined with that music. for example, i can say for me, my best friend, and now that i think about it, most of the females i know, listen to music for its lyrical content because thats what we probably most associate with FEELING. they are words, spelled out. again, not that wordless music cannot be associated with feeling, but with words, it is spelled out and a lot of times the musical sounds reflect those words and that feeling. isn't that interesting? i find it interesting. it comes down to how any kind of music connects with you, sometimes its through words and sometimes its through sound. you play a song that means something to you through it sounds but may mean or say something entirely different to me because of its words, its all about interpretation. it's the pro and the con of most art - the difference in interpretation, the beauty in that and how it can relate so differently but so universally to each person at the same time, but depending on where its coming from that difference in interpretation can also be a little dangerous too.
i have this habit where sometimes, when i'm listening to music, i think about my life as a movie. not my whole life, mostly just small parts of my life, like what is currently happening, what i'm currently experiencing or feeling or seeing and for each moment i think about what song would play to best describe and convey what is is thats happening while at the same time expressing how i'm thinking and feeling. what would play during the opening credits, what would play when i'm feeling a particular sort of happy, what i'm feeling during a pretty low moment, etc. all of those things. thats not uncommon, i'm pretty sure a lot of people make mini movies like that, i wonder if there is an actual film out there somewhere that has no dialogue, just music to serve as it. i'm sure there is, but not a short one, and not one thats vague, but kind of like playing Dark Side of the Moon to Wizard of Oz, kind of not. like if The Royal Tenenbaums had just its soundtrack and no dialogue, i think everything would still be conveyed properly and beautifully.
most music appeals to me lyrically because it mostly has the words i completely lack or lack the ability to say, to speak. i'm not very good at speaking, especially when something needs to be said. and it only makes it better when the sounds coming out with those words are the sounds i would try to make if i could not speak.
i've been depressed lately, lately as in...oh...the past 2 months, a relapse in some ways especially after being home and soon to be going back there for a while. some music hurts that and some music helps it. i've been working at not feeling things so intensely or concentrating on those feelings so much since i was in middle school to very little avail. sometimes my mind and my guts are so clouded with feelings and thoughts in conflict and crisis that i cannot concentrate on anything else ever and i've been trying to work out of that for the past 2 months, to basically care less, if care at all. it blinds me sometimes, irrationally, single minded and crazy. it's really difficult. its always been difficult and always will be because it is just something that will always be. i will feel things change, hurt, grow, fail and push before they ever do - the blue comes from trying to either keep those things from happening or trying to change them myself. stubbornness and pride and guilt and worry. because of that, there always comes a time in the lives of those that i love and who love me where i keep myself from them, where i guard myself in self preservation and protection because my love for them and the intensity of my relationships with them get to be so much so that they scare me - and the hurt that comes with it because things always change, constant change, the fact that things can't always be what they are and that they will never be that way again through fights or individual, personal change or loss or space or distance or time or ignorance or passivity or aggressiveness or pushing or anything and it just takes me a while to remember that i can't push all the time or keep pushing. all i can and want to do is be still and you can't be still if you're always trying to keep yourself from hurt all the time.
so here i am, again trying to be still, trying to feel things but not fear them into complete hardness, not to ignore them but to feel them and accept them, knowing what will happen - knowing it will bring me hurt, knowing i'll be pulling out defenses but knowing i'll be taking risks. it will be so difficult - i'll want to curl up and die and bury myself and feel the howl between my lungs rife with all the words i can't speak and thoughts i can't figure out and feelings i can't make go away and things i can't get unstuck from my mind, but i'll know what it is and i'll know what it isn't and i'll work on leaving it behind me.
for now, all i would really need to be content is an egg sammy, some iced tea, rose melberg on vinyl and a little patch of sunshine to sit in, but its foggy and cold so i'll settle for the sammy, strawberry milk and jersey shore.
certain music obviously stimulates people differently, duh, everyone is different. what i mean is, i'm finding that most people i know usually fall into two very broad categories: people who listen to music because of the actual sound and music, and people who listen to music mostly for lyrical content. these are obviously not strict categories and everyone is a little or a lot of both, but its interesting to me because this leads into the very important fact of how music is interpreted for each person, which then leads to the whole mixtape mix cd culture so involved in generation x.
music conveys different things to each person, whether that be through lyrical or musical content. i listen to a lot of music without words that rips my heart out but a lot of the music i listen to i love so much because of words combined with that music. for example, i can say for me, my best friend, and now that i think about it, most of the females i know, listen to music for its lyrical content because thats what we probably most associate with FEELING. they are words, spelled out. again, not that wordless music cannot be associated with feeling, but with words, it is spelled out and a lot of times the musical sounds reflect those words and that feeling. isn't that interesting? i find it interesting. it comes down to how any kind of music connects with you, sometimes its through words and sometimes its through sound. you play a song that means something to you through it sounds but may mean or say something entirely different to me because of its words, its all about interpretation. it's the pro and the con of most art - the difference in interpretation, the beauty in that and how it can relate so differently but so universally to each person at the same time, but depending on where its coming from that difference in interpretation can also be a little dangerous too.
i have this habit where sometimes, when i'm listening to music, i think about my life as a movie. not my whole life, mostly just small parts of my life, like what is currently happening, what i'm currently experiencing or feeling or seeing and for each moment i think about what song would play to best describe and convey what is is thats happening while at the same time expressing how i'm thinking and feeling. what would play during the opening credits, what would play when i'm feeling a particular sort of happy, what i'm feeling during a pretty low moment, etc. all of those things. thats not uncommon, i'm pretty sure a lot of people make mini movies like that, i wonder if there is an actual film out there somewhere that has no dialogue, just music to serve as it. i'm sure there is, but not a short one, and not one thats vague, but kind of like playing Dark Side of the Moon to Wizard of Oz, kind of not. like if The Royal Tenenbaums had just its soundtrack and no dialogue, i think everything would still be conveyed properly and beautifully.
most music appeals to me lyrically because it mostly has the words i completely lack or lack the ability to say, to speak. i'm not very good at speaking, especially when something needs to be said. and it only makes it better when the sounds coming out with those words are the sounds i would try to make if i could not speak.
i've been depressed lately, lately as in...oh...the past 2 months, a relapse in some ways especially after being home and soon to be going back there for a while. some music hurts that and some music helps it. i've been working at not feeling things so intensely or concentrating on those feelings so much since i was in middle school to very little avail. sometimes my mind and my guts are so clouded with feelings and thoughts in conflict and crisis that i cannot concentrate on anything else ever and i've been trying to work out of that for the past 2 months, to basically care less, if care at all. it blinds me sometimes, irrationally, single minded and crazy. it's really difficult. its always been difficult and always will be because it is just something that will always be. i will feel things change, hurt, grow, fail and push before they ever do - the blue comes from trying to either keep those things from happening or trying to change them myself. stubbornness and pride and guilt and worry. because of that, there always comes a time in the lives of those that i love and who love me where i keep myself from them, where i guard myself in self preservation and protection because my love for them and the intensity of my relationships with them get to be so much so that they scare me - and the hurt that comes with it because things always change, constant change, the fact that things can't always be what they are and that they will never be that way again through fights or individual, personal change or loss or space or distance or time or ignorance or passivity or aggressiveness or pushing or anything and it just takes me a while to remember that i can't push all the time or keep pushing. all i can and want to do is be still and you can't be still if you're always trying to keep yourself from hurt all the time.
so here i am, again trying to be still, trying to feel things but not fear them into complete hardness, not to ignore them but to feel them and accept them, knowing what will happen - knowing it will bring me hurt, knowing i'll be pulling out defenses but knowing i'll be taking risks. it will be so difficult - i'll want to curl up and die and bury myself and feel the howl between my lungs rife with all the words i can't speak and thoughts i can't figure out and feelings i can't make go away and things i can't get unstuck from my mind, but i'll know what it is and i'll know what it isn't and i'll work on leaving it behind me.
for now, all i would really need to be content is an egg sammy, some iced tea, rose melberg on vinyl and a little patch of sunshine to sit in, but its foggy and cold so i'll settle for the sammy, strawberry milk and jersey shore.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
you can't carry it with you if you want to survive
as the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and make it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty...
for the first time in my life, i find myself wishing for spring and summer. i want to be in my woods again, getting lost there. i want to smell tomato plants and wet warm dirt and the lavender and sage and lemon verbena in my herb garden. i want to go back to the jungle in the mountains on the river, eating oranges off trees and just seeing the hills and the green and the air outside my door.
i want to go back to san francisco and walk those hills and streets and go to the bay and the beach and eat crusty bread with cheese and cobb salads and walk through haight ashbury and knob hill and beatnik north shore streets with my music on and eating a veggie sammy with an organic orange creme soda while i sit on a curb and watch everything.
when i'm older, i want an orange tree.
i'm 22 years old and sometimes, a lot of the time, i still want to live like Weetzie Bat.
awesome things and things realized over christmas break:
1. madi can moonwalk. like REALLY moonwalk, she can actually do it. i wouldn't lie about that. how she's the one out of three who ended up here from planet badass, i have no idea.
2. she also made a snooki cookie - yes, from jersey shore - IE: a sugar cookie iced with complete guidette makeup, a poof for her hair and a black eye.
3. being back in upland, with all this cold, wind and snow, i find myself wishing to be elsewhere, like i so often do. i've spent a lot of my time here thinking that, thinking about being elsewhere, WHY didn't i go somewhere else, why the HELL didn't i transfer to art school when i could have...blah blah blah etc. but here's the thing, and i know i've harped on this before so humor me - the people i have met here are completely indispensable to me. they are irreplaceable and i would be foolish and arrogant to think otherwise. sure, i could say i would have met similar people if i would have ended up somewhere else, that there would have been no loss, no one is really that unique anymore so i would have met SOMEONE like you or you or you or whoever, that SOMEHOW in that parallel universe situation, needs would have been met one way or another and i would have grown into a similar albeit slightly different self.
bullshit. at least for me.
have we really become so disconnected or jaded or distanced in our actual personal visceral relationships with others to think such things?sure, in a rational way, that may be true, but in saying or even thinking something like that i feel like you strip everyone in your life who means anything to you of their value. and its probably stripped enough as it is simply by existing.
if you haven't noticed, i think about these things a lot. how i treat, react, interact, invest in others and how others do that with me and the dynamics of all of that and the blessings and heartache that can come with that. its exhausting but at least i know thats the secret to life.
4. i love when you're listening to music, or your listening to some new music for the first time and a song comes on and within the first 30 seconds it just rips your heart out its so good, just everything about it is perfect for the moment your in and you feel like crying and screaming and smiling and rolling around and dancing at the same time because the words combined with that music is just the most beautiful perfect thing you ever heard and you just want to share it with everyone, or with someone special and close to you or you just want to keep it to yourself and hide it so that no one can feel that moment of truth that you did and see that part of you.
5. swiss cheese toasties.
6. i really like to remaster mix lists.
7. the hundreds of letter press images waiting for me.
8. what the hell, i'm a goner anyway so what do i have to lose? if its not this, then its something else i guess. there's so much growing to be done and time to pass. i've got a house with an orange tree or a cranberry bog to get to and a little shop to work in. it would be great if you would come but you have dreams to live out and hearts to break and a heart to get broken. i'll do my best to be around and keep a place for all of that.
hellooooo cigarette!
peace and chicken grease.
for the first time in my life, i find myself wishing for spring and summer. i want to be in my woods again, getting lost there. i want to smell tomato plants and wet warm dirt and the lavender and sage and lemon verbena in my herb garden. i want to go back to the jungle in the mountains on the river, eating oranges off trees and just seeing the hills and the green and the air outside my door.
i want to go back to san francisco and walk those hills and streets and go to the bay and the beach and eat crusty bread with cheese and cobb salads and walk through haight ashbury and knob hill and beatnik north shore streets with my music on and eating a veggie sammy with an organic orange creme soda while i sit on a curb and watch everything.
when i'm older, i want an orange tree.
i'm 22 years old and sometimes, a lot of the time, i still want to live like Weetzie Bat.
awesome things and things realized over christmas break:
1. madi can moonwalk. like REALLY moonwalk, she can actually do it. i wouldn't lie about that. how she's the one out of three who ended up here from planet badass, i have no idea.
2. she also made a snooki cookie - yes, from jersey shore - IE: a sugar cookie iced with complete guidette makeup, a poof for her hair and a black eye.
3. being back in upland, with all this cold, wind and snow, i find myself wishing to be elsewhere, like i so often do. i've spent a lot of my time here thinking that, thinking about being elsewhere, WHY didn't i go somewhere else, why the HELL didn't i transfer to art school when i could have...blah blah blah etc. but here's the thing, and i know i've harped on this before so humor me - the people i have met here are completely indispensable to me. they are irreplaceable and i would be foolish and arrogant to think otherwise. sure, i could say i would have met similar people if i would have ended up somewhere else, that there would have been no loss, no one is really that unique anymore so i would have met SOMEONE like you or you or you or whoever, that SOMEHOW in that parallel universe situation, needs would have been met one way or another and i would have grown into a similar albeit slightly different self.
bullshit. at least for me.
have we really become so disconnected or jaded or distanced in our actual personal visceral relationships with others to think such things?sure, in a rational way, that may be true, but in saying or even thinking something like that i feel like you strip everyone in your life who means anything to you of their value. and its probably stripped enough as it is simply by existing.
if you haven't noticed, i think about these things a lot. how i treat, react, interact, invest in others and how others do that with me and the dynamics of all of that and the blessings and heartache that can come with that. its exhausting but at least i know thats the secret to life.
4. i love when you're listening to music, or your listening to some new music for the first time and a song comes on and within the first 30 seconds it just rips your heart out its so good, just everything about it is perfect for the moment your in and you feel like crying and screaming and smiling and rolling around and dancing at the same time because the words combined with that music is just the most beautiful perfect thing you ever heard and you just want to share it with everyone, or with someone special and close to you or you just want to keep it to yourself and hide it so that no one can feel that moment of truth that you did and see that part of you.
5. swiss cheese toasties.
6. i really like to remaster mix lists.
7. the hundreds of letter press images waiting for me.
8. what the hell, i'm a goner anyway so what do i have to lose? if its not this, then its something else i guess. there's so much growing to be done and time to pass. i've got a house with an orange tree or a cranberry bog to get to and a little shop to work in. it would be great if you would come but you have dreams to live out and hearts to break and a heart to get broken. i'll do my best to be around and keep a place for all of that.
hellooooo cigarette!
peace and chicken grease.
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