infj

i've been listening to a lot of music lately. dumb statement, but i bring it up because it put in my mind an interesting correlation i have noticed.
certain music obviously stimulates people differently, duh, everyone is different. what i mean is, i'm finding that most people i know usually fall into two very broad categories: people who listen to music because of the actual sound and music, and people who listen to music mostly for lyrical content. these are obviously not strict categories and everyone is a little or a lot of both, but its interesting to me because this leads into the very important fact of how music is interpreted for each person, which then leads to the whole mixtape mix cd culture so involved in generation x.
music conveys different things to each person, whether that be through lyrical or musical content. i listen to a lot of music without words that rips my heart out but a lot of the music i listen to i love so much because of words combined with that music. for example, i can say for me, my best friend, and now that i think about it, most of the females i know, listen to music for its lyrical content because thats what we probably most associate with FEELING. they are words, spelled out. again, not that wordless music cannot be associated with feeling, but with words, it is spelled out and a lot of times the musical sounds reflect those words and that feeling. isn't that interesting? i find it interesting. it comes down to how any kind of music connects with you, sometimes its through words and sometimes its through sound. you play a song that means something to you through it sounds but may mean or say something entirely different to me because of its words, its all about interpretation. it's the pro and the con of most art - the difference in interpretation, the beauty in that and how it can relate so differently but so universally to each person at the same time, but depending on where its coming from that difference in interpretation can also be a little dangerous too.
i have this habit where sometimes, when i'm listening to music, i think about my life as a movie. not my whole life, mostly just small parts of my life, like what is currently happening, what i'm currently experiencing or feeling or seeing and for each moment i think about what song would play to best describe and convey what is is thats happening while at the same time expressing how i'm thinking and feeling. what would play during the opening credits, what would play when i'm feeling a particular sort of happy, what i'm feeling during a pretty low moment, etc. all of those things. thats not uncommon, i'm pretty sure a lot of people make mini movies like that, i wonder if there is an actual film out there somewhere that has no dialogue, just music to serve as it. i'm sure there is, but not a short one, and not one thats vague, but kind of like playing Dark Side of the Moon to Wizard of Oz, kind of not. like if The Royal Tenenbaums had just its soundtrack and no dialogue, i think everything would still be conveyed properly and beautifully.
most music appeals to me lyrically because it mostly has the words i completely lack or lack the ability to say, to speak. i'm not very good at speaking, especially when something needs to be said. and it only makes it better when the sounds coming out with those words are the sounds i would try to make if i could not speak.


i've been depressed lately, lately as in...oh...the past 2 months, a relapse in some ways especially after being home and soon to be going back there for a while. some music hurts that and some music helps it. i've been working at not feeling things so intensely or concentrating on those feelings so much since i was in middle school to very little avail. sometimes my mind and my guts are so clouded with feelings and thoughts in conflict and crisis that i cannot concentrate on anything else ever and i've been trying to work out of that for the past 2 months, to basically care less, if care at all. it blinds me sometimes, irrationally, single minded and crazy. it's really difficult. its always been difficult and always will be because it is just something that will always be. i will feel things change, hurt, grow, fail and push before they ever do - the blue comes from trying to either keep those things from happening or trying to change them myself. stubbornness and pride and guilt and worry. because of that, there always comes a time in the lives of those that i love and who love me where i keep myself from them, where i guard myself in self preservation and protection because my love for them and the intensity of my relationships with them get to be so much so that they scare me - and the hurt that comes with it because things always change, constant change, the fact that things can't always be what they are and that they will never be that way again through fights or individual, personal change or loss or space or distance or time or ignorance or passivity or aggressiveness or pushing or anything and it just takes me a while to remember that i can't push all the time or keep pushing. all i can and want to do is be still and you can't be still if you're always trying to keep yourself from hurt all the time.
so here i am, again trying to be still, trying to feel things but not fear them into complete hardness, not to ignore them but to feel them and accept them, knowing what will happen - knowing it will bring me hurt, knowing i'll be pulling out defenses but knowing i'll be taking risks. it will be so difficult - i'll want to curl up and die and bury myself and feel the howl between my lungs rife with all the words i can't speak and thoughts i can't figure out and feelings i can't make go away and things i can't get unstuck from my mind, but i'll know what it is and i'll know what it isn't and i'll work on leaving it behind me.


for now, all i would really need to be content is an egg sammy, some iced tea, rose melberg on vinyl and a little patch of sunshine to sit in, but its foggy and cold so i'll settle for the sammy, strawberry milk and jersey shore.