you can't carry it with you if you want to survive

as the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and make it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty...


for the first time in my life, i find myself wishing for spring and summer. i want to be in my woods again, getting lost there. i want to smell tomato plants and wet warm dirt and the lavender and sage and lemon verbena in my herb garden. i want to go back to the jungle in the mountains on the river, eating oranges off trees and just seeing the hills and the green and the air outside my door.
i want to go back to san francisco and walk those hills and streets and go to the bay and the beach and eat crusty bread with cheese and cobb salads and walk through haight ashbury and knob hill and beatnik north shore streets with my music on and eating a veggie sammy with an organic orange creme soda while i sit on a curb and watch everything.

when i'm older, i want an orange tree.
i'm 22 years old and sometimes, a lot of the time, i still want to live like Weetzie Bat.


awesome things and things realized over christmas break:
1. madi can moonwalk. like REALLY moonwalk, she can actually do it. i wouldn't lie about that. how she's the one out of three who ended up here from planet badass, i have no idea.
2. she also made a snooki cookie - yes, from jersey shore - IE: a sugar cookie iced with complete guidette makeup, a poof for her hair and a black eye.
3. being back in upland, with all this cold, wind and snow, i find myself wishing to be elsewhere, like i so often do. i've spent a lot of my time here thinking that, thinking about being elsewhere, WHY didn't i go somewhere else, why the HELL didn't i transfer to art school when i could have...blah blah blah etc. but here's the thing, and i know i've harped on this before so humor me - the people i have met here are completely indispensable to me. they are irreplaceable and i would be foolish and arrogant to think otherwise. sure, i could say i would have met similar people if i would have ended up somewhere else, that there would have been no loss, no one is really that unique anymore so i would have met SOMEONE like you or you or you or whoever, that SOMEHOW in that parallel universe situation, needs would have been met one way or another and i would have grown into a similar albeit slightly different self.
bullshit. at least for me.
have we really become so disconnected or jaded or distanced in our actual personal visceral relationships with others to think such things?sure, in a rational way, that may be true, but in saying or even thinking something like that i feel like you strip everyone in your life who means anything to you of their value. and its probably stripped enough as it is simply by existing.
if you haven't noticed, i think about these things a lot. how i treat, react, interact, invest in others and how others do that with me and the dynamics of all of that and the blessings and heartache that can come with that. its exhausting but at least i know thats the secret to life.
4. i love when you're listening to music, or your listening to some new music for the first time and a song comes on and within the first 30 seconds it just rips your heart out its so good, just everything about it is perfect for the moment your in and you feel like crying and screaming and smiling and rolling around and dancing at the same time because the words combined with that music is just the most beautiful perfect thing you ever heard and you just want to share it with everyone, or with someone special and close to you or you just want to keep it to yourself and hide it so that no one can feel that moment of truth that you did and see that part of you.
5. swiss cheese toasties.
6. i really like to remaster mix lists.
7. the hundreds of letter press images waiting for me.
8. what the hell, i'm a goner anyway so what do i have to lose? if its not this, then its something else i guess. there's so much growing to be done and time to pass. i've got a house with an orange tree or a cranberry bog to get to and a little shop to work in. it would be great if you would come but you have dreams to live out and hearts to break and a heart to get broken. i'll do my best to be around and keep a place for all of that.

hellooooo cigarette!

peace and chicken grease.