break

deep
deep
deep
deep
breaths.
must fill every single one of my tar stained alvioli's with air.
3 times
4 times
as many times as i can
breath deep
exhale slowly.
painfully slow.
shakily slow.
3 times
4 times
let it out.
shake it off.
take a step back.
play it cool.
think.
realize.
accept.
and continue.

welcome to the precipice.


remember where you come from, remember who you are, remember you are loved unconditionally, remember you are supported without question or hesitation. remember what you've so far been through, remember what you have learned from that. remember who knows those things and loves them, keep them near to you and distance yourself from those who can't see it, who fear it, who don't understand. everyone has baggage, anyone worth knowing or being with. accept things you can't change, work on the things you can. make yourself happy for one day in your life and fuck everyone else, in the end it means nothing. don't try to fix things, don't try to figure them out, don't try to hold control. love things as they are, if they are good and good for you, they will figure out themselves if they need to be. otherwise, enjoy their unquestionable, simple comfort that they bring. say what needs to be said, hold your tongue when it is necessary and wise. love honestly, live honestly, communicate honestly and go with your guts even when you know you are at fault because your mind can talk you out of anything. take responsibility for your actions because they are yours, you are the only one who can change them, no one can make one do anything, need anything, be anything but yourself. don't make excuses, don't blame others for your problems, don't expect others to come to you, don't sit silent - if you are unhappy, you must change that, no one else. speak up and speak out of love, not out of bitterness or judgement or blame or ignorance, there is always more going on than anyone else really knows. be able to look at yourself critically, squarely, humbly and with modest love because you were made, as you are, to be something greater and bigger than all of this, it will just take some time.

do what you need to do, pray for wisdom and pray pray and pray for grace. grace and wisdom and love. no one needs more than that. because at the end of the day, regardless of physical suffering, everyone is suffering. all of humanity is suffering one way or another whether it be global or communal or personal - know that you are, identify it and with it and remember those who really are and give praise for your mercy, for your grace and be grateful.

figure it out
do it
get it done
and be done with it.


when i am older, i will have an orange tree.
in a month or so, i will probably cut off all my hair.
tomorrow i will pack.
an hour ago, i was drinking coffee out of my peter pan mug in my safe place.
an hour from now i will be at the post office sending off a letter.
this time last week i was sleeping.
this time next week i'll be at home with my sister.
this time next year i'll know where i want to be and who i'll want to be with.
this time a year ago i didn't even know you.
i can't wait to take my shoes off and look up at the stars without freezing.