EUREKA!

APPARENTLY

we are immobilized turtles

who immobilize each other!

ZZZZZZING

ie:

we're fucked?

to my dearest schmoo baby cube

you are the greatest most lovely most intelligent awesome funny witty gutsy friend i have ever had and this, among many reasons (most of which i will try to name), is why you are my best friend and i hold you in the highest esteem.

you are a sister to me

you are my family 

you understand, validate, call me out and put up with so much of my shit.

my dark days. 

the ones i have recently come upon especially. 

looking back on the past 2 years of our amazing friendship, i know that i could not have gone through those 2 years without you.

its just the truth of the matter. i could not have. i would have gone fucking crazy. 

because no one supports me like you do

i am not afraid to love myself because you love me. 

i am not afraid to speak my mind because you let me. 

i am not afraid to tell my secrets to you because you have them. 

i am not afraid to cry with you because you cry for me. 

i am not afraid to pour my heart out to you because your heart has the strength and immense space to take in mine. 

i am not afraid to bare my soul to you because thats what you want from me. 

you never want nothing less or nothing more than ME.

i don't ever want or need to be anything else but myself. 

you see me as i am, as i was and as i can and will be. you see that more than i can see that myself. 

and i don't have that with ANYONE

especially like i have that comfort with you.  

you inspire me and humble me. 

you hold me accountable and encourage me.

i can feel my brain growing, myself growing when i spend time with you because it is always time well spent, whether it be hours over coffee, a quick drive or a hysterics fest before bed. 

you are so fucking smart it amazes me that someone as intelligent and well spoken and sure of themselves as you could find so much value in me. you are so willing and gracious and your heart is so fecking huge when it comes to people - you draw people to you. 

you have so much light in you emily rhude. its one of the first things i noticed about you. your light, your soul, your history, your progress, your humbleness, your knowledge, your determination, your dreams, your opinions all shine from you. you radiate with it honey and that ain't no lie. 

i don't see that in anyone as much as i do or have always seen in you.

and i am so so blessed and glad to say and to know and to believe that we will always have this. you have let me share so much of my life with you, things i haven't ever shared with anyone and i have been so blessed to have you share yourself so thoroughly with me that no matter how far we may be from each other (which hopefully, i pray, will never be too far because thinking about it i know i probably would not survive) that we will always be bonded. 

kindred.

marked for life. 

regardless of our amazing enviable badass tats. 

if you ask me, you probably marked me with that light of yours a hell of a long time ago. 

AND

you make the best fucking birthday cards EVER. 

no shit. its above my bed. so i can see slug and your lovely hand in it every morning next to the picture of my dad and i. 

thank you for being there for me. through everything.

the good, the bad, the depressing, the pathetic.

no matter what i'm feeling

i know that the only way i get through most of it is because God has blessed me with you and your immensely understanding heart. 

thank you for making me comfortable enough to depend on you because i don't like depending on people. 

thank you for loving me as myself because myself is something not a lot of people get to see. i honestly think it's just you and the Big Man Upstairs. 

thank you for including me in your life, for sharing it with me and for letting me in it. thank you for blessing me with it.  

this is probably all the words i have for now, because there are millions more i could say (especially about how HOTT you are). i will always try my damndest to take care of you and i will make you sandwiches anytime you want, even when you are having the greatest day ever. i will wash wooley by hand, i will organize your clothes, i will write you letters, i'll go get you kambutcha, i'll keep bitches off your movies, and i'll deck anyone who tries to fuck with you into next month. 

i love you more than i could ever say or promise with words. 

i hope you had/will have a good day :)

and i feel them drown my name

i say again

GIVE ME SOUL

SHOW ME

that people have SOUL

have SOULS

that they KNOW

that they STRUGGLE to know

that they STRIVE TOWARDS KNOWING

not just THIER OWN

but those of OTHERS

and perhaps, slightly, my hope in humanity might be renewed. 

because, again, all the SOUL i seem to ever find is in the voices and words of dead men. 

is everyone so ignorant? so willingly able to be so separate from everyone? to be so disconnected with themselves? so unwilling to search themselves and MAKE something of it?

let us get something straight

to all of my christian female peers:

I
am "alone" because i CHOOSE to be alone.
do i get lonely?
sure.
do i sometimes desire a flurry of (almost) romance/respect with decent, intelligent male-like companion? (preferably who likes hip hop?)
sure.
do i sometimes wish i had even a semi-decent man for, at the very least, a booty call?
sure (and if i REALLY wanted to get into such a hot fucking mess, i probably do).

BUT
i don't need to be validated by a man.
i need to be respected by one.
challenged by one.
supported by one.
and basically, one who actually knows what a vagina is, isn't afraid to say it or of it, and bluntly, knows how to work it.
oh! and who isn't afraid to be honest with me, with himself, with how he feels and thinks.

and since all these things are RARE
(IE: something i have YET to see)
i will continue choosing to be alone.


so please.
FUCK OFF and quit hounding me on my non-apparent life mate,
and enough of that god damn wild at heart, captivating bullshit sex talk.
it bores me.

always,
gabe

i'm the boss with the hot sauce, i'm the lamp lighter to the promiseland

So I am reading my very first overtly feminist book, thanks to my bestie (as you can see under Les Livres) and I am loving the hell out of it (thank you bestie ☺). It’s not that I wasn’t somewhat informed on feminism before or that I didn’t consider myself one because I definitely do and I would say I knew the basics, its just that now I have been inspired to become more aware and henceforth informed. And it is so fascinating! This book I admit makes it easy because it’s a quick read, very informative but not intense and very funny but also I can feel myself thinking back to situations I’ve expereicned that now that I’m more aware, were overtly sexist.

The saddest and most angering thing I’ve realized while reading this is that even though we have made SOME progress, there are still a lot of men (whether it be through organizations, groups, policies, businesses, schools, media…etc) consciously and unconsciously oppressing women. Certainly consciously, and a lot of that stuff is obvious (or not so much, look into it) enough, but doing it unconsciously is the kicker because they have been programmed by generation to do so in so many ways that they don’t even realize that by saying and acting a certain way in a small part is keeping women oppressed. I could get way more into this, but it would take me ages to gather my thoughts but when I say oppressed I mean that there are still a lot of little and big ways that men and a society and world mostly run by men (not just the USA) has really done its best to keep intelligent, aware, smart, sexy, driven, compassionate, ballsy, non typical (what IS typical???) women lessened or as low as possible (and especially women of color and race!)
So this makes me think of all the guys I know, all of my close guy friends whom I love dearly and some I would be just lost without and instances where they have either A: demeaned women or B: added to the female stereotype, thus still minorly oppressing women. Instances that I thought nothing of, things that I may have even been mildly offended by at the time but that I brushed off out of love or lack of a retort. And its not that they don’t respect me or their mothers, girlfriends, grandma’s, co-workers, peers…etc. they do, and there are at least 2 of them who are the most gentlemanly guys I know (and gentlemanly OUT of respect NOT because they want something) and are just amazing guys, but they don’t know and are completely unaware that they are doing their small part because they have been programmed by a society that thinks it is ok to still do minor things that that.

Here’s the most pitiful part of all though: I know that I can’t, for the life of me, get into a decent respecting calm conversation about feminism with any guy here that I know. By merely dropping the word feminism, even in the most socially conscious and liberally minded of men, or by even referencing this book (which my bestie tells me is quite tame), I will automatically been seen as a femme-nazi, or basically a fiery feminist preacher trying to stuff the gospel of women equality down their throats. Hhmmmm, that seems reminiscent of…of some concept…or structure or beliefs…that must…already be here…I get the distinct feeling…I’ve felt that way too…funny. Even if they say nothing of it, I will initially at least be subjected to the feminist stereotype. How incredibly sad.

So far, here’s what feminism is to me:
Feminism strives to allow women of all cultures and countries, races, politically convictions, personal choices…to be the best women they possibly can. Not limited to within their means, not as much as they want to, but the way that women were supposed to be seen and honestly, I think seen in Gods eyes: as equal and a partner, an equal supporter and supportee to other women and to men and to anyone or anything else they damn well please. Hell, even to their dogs! This means allowing women to be smart, to be educated, to be aware of their bodies and their minds and their persons and their instincts and their intuitions, to be sexy not slutty, to be driven and allowed to have ambition to do what they want in whatever setting they want, to have their valid thoughts, opinions, ideas and beliefs SEEN and felt as valid in all societies and cultures, not just their own, to be believed in, supported and trusted by the rest of their cultures and societies to make their own choices about ANYTHING and allow these women to be not only accepted, but wanted, admired and respected by everyone, because this to me is what all women should be. We should be PROUD to BE women, not ashamed, not pitied, not allowing ourselves to be oppressed.


But in a way, this has only helped me confirm at least 5 more years of a somewhat single life…that is a consequence for want of progress. I want to be respected and respected as I am. I want someone who will respect my mind as well as my body; I want my mind and my body to be mine first and his second. I want my thoughts and feelings to be valid, respected and trusted and nurtured. I want to be challenged and allowed to grow and I want to help grow, I don’t want to be belittled.
And as I type, some young women is trying to pull off a cover of Whole Lotta Love at the closing Olympic ceremony. It sucks and I’m trying not to contradict to everything I just wrote…I happen to think that Led Zeppelin is ok as they are and that their all lady tribute bands are just lovely (Lez Zeppelin: Check them out!)

I would do that…be in a Zeppelin tribute band, would that be contradictory? Oh well. More later.
Remember how much I love you.
or could have.

huzzah

let me tell you about relics. 

i come from a family who believes in relics. the actual definition of the term relic is "an object surviving from an earlier time, especially one of historical or sentimental interest." (why thank you dictionary widget, god bless you)

i come from a family of relic-ers. we love relics. they are everywhere in our house. we're really big on the elvis bust that my mom got for christmas one year as a joke - he shows up a lot actually, really likes to be public. we have magnets on our cluttered fridge that have been there since i was born or not much after, like our pink triangle "silence=death" magnet, or the picture magnets alex and i made when we were way young, with a picture of us fat and red in snow suits. we have random little figurines, like gumby and pokey, chip and dale, little toys that came in happy meals, a moo cow coffee cream container from my mothers youth. we have movie post cards that my mom used to get working for the cinemas, as well as little strips of actual film from previewed movies.  we even have some pairs of cheesy baby shoes on book shelves and plenty of mardi gras beads and other knick knacks from pre-katrina jazz fest new orleans. 

so i, of course, am a relic-er. i have been collecting my own personal relics my whole life - this is helped by the fact that i happen to be one of those people that keeps the most useless shit for years before even thinking about giving it away or putting it elsewhere. for example, i have my most favorite pair of dress-up shoes as a girl and to me they are awe-inspiring. to this day, they are still gorgeous and i damn my feet still for not being as small as they once were just so i could wear them out.  they are sparkily, open-toed, heeled ruby slippers and as far as i'm concerned they are the most beautiful, sassy, durable and amazing dress up shoes ever made (we're talking hard plastic and a little rubber here dears, don't make 'em like that anymore). i have comic books, i have my own little figurines, my own beads, my own magnets. 

i mention this because for the past 2 days i have been packing a lot of them up for my house (and also, this is kind of a warning to my lovely roommates - **i am a relic-er and YES everything has a purpose!**) and that, thus far, has been a very interesting process.  here i am, packing up my own relics from home into a new home. these relics are the things that will make this new house home for me, essentially. they will make parts of this place, just small parts, mine and that is something i find interesting in general. to me, relics have always been the main things that make home HOME for me.

so now i'm going to my new home for a while. and it already feels a little bit like home because parts of my family will be there, just different parts. i am excited. 

dear ohio, 

i leave you soon and i will miss you. it's been real, it's been great. it's been really really great, but i gotta ramble. i'll see you soon.

love

gabe

and hell yes those ruby slippers are coming.

ps: i am oddly addicted to the olympics this year. can we say hell yeah swimming? amazing. 

please believe me when i say this:

you are the most beautiful person i know and it pains me to an inexplicable amount to know that you are where you are and i cannot be with you to help you with all this fuckery. it breaks my heart and makes me angry.

but please remember, you are not alone. you are MY family and i will never let you be alone with any of this. ever. you've been through all of this shit to the point where you must become as self-sufficient and self supporting as possible but i will always support you and be there whenever you can't handle all of this shit on your shoulders.  

did i mention you have the buffest shoulders of anyone i know, have ever known and probably will ever know? 

never underestimate your own resilience, because it is truly amazing. and this road you're walking will be hard, and you will be singled out, you will be the inspirer of both jealousy and denial alike in those closest to you because you are actually doing something to help yourself, and not only that but you are progressing fast in these things. you are so incredibly aware and even though it's the easier thing to do, you refuse to ignore and accept the unfairness, denial, projection, rationalization and belittling around you because you KNOW you are the bigger person.

never forget that you are the bigger person. 

so you stick to your guns and keep refusing to take shit, to take loneliness, to take all the fucked up unjustified shitty things they have done to you because they can't make excuses anymore and they fucking know that and they know that you are progressing beyond them and their fucked up bullshit. they know what they've done to you and you are using that to your benefit and you are making yourself a deeper, better and more compassionate and understanding than they will EVER BE because of it.  and because of that they will keep throwing their shit at you because they are in denial and they are jealous and maybe feeling a little screwed because you are rising above all this, even if that means someday even being without them.  

please remember that even when you are at your loneliest, you will ALWAYS have me. always. when you feel at your worst, when you feel alone, ugly, dumb, depressed, angry, crazy...whatever you're feeling, i will always be here to help you and to love you and support you and defend you and carry you and build you up. i know you will feel these things even when i do all i can to help and i know it will seem hopeless, but it isn't because you are filled with and you are doing so much good with all of this. you are helping yourself, and letting others help you and you are helping me. 

remember how much you mean to me and how incredibly lost and lessened i would be without you in my life. i thank God for you every single day and i pray for your well being and happiness and peace of mind. i am so proud that you are working towards these things, pushing for them even when you don't want to push because you know you need to for yourself, and that is the most important thing. YOU, your happiness and your health all around. and regardless of all the fuckery it is NEVER wrong to push for that and i am so glad you're pushing for that and you're not letting this run your life. i certainly would be allowing it to.

i am in awe of you, your strength.

i love you.

i miss you so much that i can't even stand it. 

i can't wait to be able to help you when you need it, the way you'll need it.

please remember that even though you might not have them, you will always have me and i won't let you ever be alone. 

love, 

-g