passing through
unconscious states
when i awoke
i was on the
highway.
in lack of finals week stress, some things i hope to accomplish with my life:
1. own and operate my own co-op print shop.
2. live up east.
3. live in the south.
4. live in san francisco
5. live in the mountains.
6. live in canada.
7. go to europe. go to france, italy, ireland, england, greece.
8. maybe go to grad school for lithography.
9. learn to speak french more fluently.
10. get a husky and name it akela. (pronounced AH-KEEL-AH)
11. get a lab, name it hogarth hughes.
12. if i get a cat? name it Srgt. Tibs.
13. record and play music.
14. roadtrip for a better part of a year.
15. write a short story or more.
16. see belle and sebastian in concert.
17. go to elizabethtown with britty.
18. live with my best friends.
19. find a nice young stud on my 'wavelength' and not settle down before settling down and love him the best way i know how
20. go back and actually live in memphis instead of just being an infant there.
21. kayak on the mississippi.
22. live in Provincetown, MA.
23. go to the cape with amy and eileen again.
24. id like to have kids.
25. never hesitate to tell those kids that i love them, support them, respect them.
26. marry a man who would never hesitate to do that either.
27. do my best to make sure my brother doesn't turn into an asshole.
28. attend comicon (DUHtotally)
29. go to a belgian monastery and watch monks make beer.
30. possibly attempt to make my own beer.
31. hell, work at a brewing company.
32. learn how to cook better.
33. live in indiana again.
34. compile a stellar record collection.
35. learn how to play the violin.
36. work through things that run deep, learn from them instead of becoming bitter.
37. open a diner/coffee shop.
38. have a different flannel shirt for every day of the week.
39. actually try a fried egg on vanilla ice cream
40. go to disneyland
41. read the entire bible from cover to cover and actually learn from it instead of feeling obligated.
42. be meaningful, informed and aware of my convictions.
43. take care of my parents.
44. actually use my phone to keep in touch with people instead of mostly avoiding it.
45. i'd like to go to south america and harvest coffee
46. say what i mean and mean what i say, verbalize.
47. i want to get re-baptized in a river, out of faith and renewal rather than to join a specific church's congregation.
48. go to new orleans
((** to obviously be continued and added onto**))
i needed to type this out to remind myself what i want out of my life before i become just another number on some man's clip board and most of my life is spoken for by various obligations. here is so much i want to do with my life, which is currently at a standstill, but there is so much i want to do and experience and i've been having a really hard time lately working towards ways to make that happen.
right now, my life can go in a million different directions, each one dependent on various factors or others and ME.
i have a job that can transfer me anywhere, so if i go somewhere new and work for just a year? cool.
i'll go anywhere.
and every week, someone in my life is saying Hey! Come live with me in Chicago! or Nashville! or Austin! or Indy!
and i'd go to any one of those in a jiffy, but i'm just trying to get the slightest hint of any direction my life may be going in, whose going to be in it, what i'm going to do with it, where i'm supposed to be - i know i'm not going to figure it out and thats ok.
i don't have anyone keeping me in any one place, i hope i am not keeping anyone in any one place.
i miss my friends, i miss living with them, i miss having a support system of people who know me really well, who i can talk to and who really make me laugh. with a lot of things going on in the past week, it is something i have missed more than usual.
this standstill gives me a feeling of helplessness, the kind that makes me want to drive for days. i have a lot of potentially great things happening here, i have sold some prints and i have been asked to show my work. but nothing is written in stone, and i don't want to get stuck.
i hate the word stuck. and i hate the word routine. i'm not ready for that yet.
i know that makes me sound insane, or like a hypocrite or a huge commitment-phobe, which is not the case. i'm just not done with what i want yet, i don't think you should ever have to be done but they put the pressure on so early these days. work yourself to death so you can retire and die already.
i sat with my mom today over a few beers. i'm going to be 23 this year. when she was 23, she was married and getting preggers with me.
too many dry bones.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
stay classy
1. vacay confirmed by boss. number of days, not an issue. indiana here i come. longest. month. ever. april please end NOW. i need to see my girlfriends, i need to see my boyfriends, i need to be there. and i'm bringing vegan cupcakes. really really good ones.
2. my cousin's wife had their second baby boy today. so. awesome. sorry all, but i'm home now. i'm surrounded by family and baby's, which means i like kids and i like babies. BUT i do notice that all my cousins who stay here for long periods of time end up getting engaged etc etc etc doing that whole thing which is terrifying. i just like seeing the babies.
3. 4 Ohio Print Co-op's show at Zygote on saturday. 4 print shops, shit tons of prints, lots of good people, food, beer, portfolios and conversations about prints.
ALSO: coming late summer into early fall, working on a huge archival/collections of prints with AWESOME master printer from Tamarind at CIA (in non-print lingo: tamarind=only school for Lithography in the country, Lithography=my print forte, master printer=badass) God is good.
4. my dog is awesome. why? because, within loads of other reasons, she's always happy to see me and thats really nice when you come home, having not seen your family for days because of work and everyone is in a shit ass mood. thanks hero. you're swell and i love you.
5. as some of you know, trish is now vegan. its great because i mostly eat a lot of veggie stuff anyway, not really a HUGE meat eater to begin with but dear sweet lord in heaven if i eat one more piece of tofu/veggie protein thats supposed to be steak or chicken or, for the love of God, a burger...well i just don't know what i would do. i can eat veggies all day, its when you try to make a lot of veggie's meat that it gets a little overkill for me. grilled eggplant on the other hand, right now sounds amazing. does that make any sense? eliza should come back and make me enchiladas. AND ICE CREAM!
6. i was driving today, through the park on my way home like i always do. come around a corner, there are 5 deer grazing on the edge of the woods, near the road: one mama and her baby, one mama and her two baby's. i stopped my car because i grew up in the 'burbs, i grew up not seeing deer and pretty much thinking they were a myth and even though we basically moved to the country when i was in high school, i still find them incredibly beautiful and fascinating. so i stopped to watch them for a bit because no one was coming on either side. i rolled down my window all the way, i was listening to I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend by the Ramones, it was up pretty loud. the closest mama and her baby stopped to look at me, kept grazing a little, tilting their heads at the music and looking over at me. and then they started to come towards my car, baby steps as we just kept looking at each other. first the mama steps out into the road and then the baby a few steps behind, just looking and very curious because before i know it, the mama is standing less than a foot away from my back left window and just looking at me while her baby follows slowly behind. they both just stand there for a few seconds and look at me, before walking behind my car to graze on the other side of the road. all of this happened in the span of this song.
it was pretty rad.
i can't wait to go to mercy house. i can't wait to drink beers with my friends. i can't wait to drive backroads. i can't wait until wafflehouse and southside. i can't wait to slumber party. i can't wait to sit at my kitchen table and talk for hours. i can't wait to waste time. i can't wait to belt out songs in my car between hot boxed cigarettes. i can't wait to go to paynes and get vanilla custard with raspberries and half a pump of coffee. i can't wait until stargazing. i can't wait until roadtripping. i can't wait until dance parties. i can't wait until hugs and hellos and i missed you. i can't wait to sit outside in the yard. i can't wait until laughing and waking up and seeing the family who are my best friends.
2. my cousin's wife had their second baby boy today. so. awesome. sorry all, but i'm home now. i'm surrounded by family and baby's, which means i like kids and i like babies. BUT i do notice that all my cousins who stay here for long periods of time end up getting engaged etc etc etc doing that whole thing which is terrifying. i just like seeing the babies.
3. 4 Ohio Print Co-op's show at Zygote on saturday. 4 print shops, shit tons of prints, lots of good people, food, beer, portfolios and conversations about prints.
ALSO: coming late summer into early fall, working on a huge archival/collections of prints with AWESOME master printer from Tamarind at CIA (in non-print lingo: tamarind=only school for Lithography in the country, Lithography=my print forte, master printer=badass) God is good.
4. my dog is awesome. why? because, within loads of other reasons, she's always happy to see me and thats really nice when you come home, having not seen your family for days because of work and everyone is in a shit ass mood. thanks hero. you're swell and i love you.
5. as some of you know, trish is now vegan. its great because i mostly eat a lot of veggie stuff anyway, not really a HUGE meat eater to begin with but dear sweet lord in heaven if i eat one more piece of tofu/veggie protein thats supposed to be steak or chicken or, for the love of God, a burger...well i just don't know what i would do. i can eat veggies all day, its when you try to make a lot of veggie's meat that it gets a little overkill for me. grilled eggplant on the other hand, right now sounds amazing. does that make any sense? eliza should come back and make me enchiladas. AND ICE CREAM!
6. i was driving today, through the park on my way home like i always do. come around a corner, there are 5 deer grazing on the edge of the woods, near the road: one mama and her baby, one mama and her two baby's. i stopped my car because i grew up in the 'burbs, i grew up not seeing deer and pretty much thinking they were a myth and even though we basically moved to the country when i was in high school, i still find them incredibly beautiful and fascinating. so i stopped to watch them for a bit because no one was coming on either side. i rolled down my window all the way, i was listening to I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend by the Ramones, it was up pretty loud. the closest mama and her baby stopped to look at me, kept grazing a little, tilting their heads at the music and looking over at me. and then they started to come towards my car, baby steps as we just kept looking at each other. first the mama steps out into the road and then the baby a few steps behind, just looking and very curious because before i know it, the mama is standing less than a foot away from my back left window and just looking at me while her baby follows slowly behind. they both just stand there for a few seconds and look at me, before walking behind my car to graze on the other side of the road. all of this happened in the span of this song.
it was pretty rad.
i can't wait to go to mercy house. i can't wait to drink beers with my friends. i can't wait to drive backroads. i can't wait until wafflehouse and southside. i can't wait to slumber party. i can't wait to sit at my kitchen table and talk for hours. i can't wait to waste time. i can't wait to belt out songs in my car between hot boxed cigarettes. i can't wait to go to paynes and get vanilla custard with raspberries and half a pump of coffee. i can't wait until stargazing. i can't wait until roadtripping. i can't wait until dance parties. i can't wait until hugs and hellos and i missed you. i can't wait to sit outside in the yard. i can't wait until laughing and waking up and seeing the family who are my best friends.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
i love getting together with dear friends. especially ones from indiana because being at home has made me realize that indiana is more like home.
especially when we sit and talk about really intense things over a few beers and i leave at the end of the night with a lot to think about. some things i need to figure out, just suck it up and do what needs to be done i guess.
i'm not very good at confrontation.
sometimes, i know that God tends to show us how easily we can break so that He can repair us.
it's in our nature, as God's most important creation, to be broken. we need to be for faith to work. we constantly live our lives trying not to be, avoiding brokenness, almost at all costs.
being broken involves hurt, something i don't do very well.
i have never been on the edge of death. i have never watched someone i love intensely die in front of me. i have not lost any of the people who are the world to me. my parents have never been divorced. i've never been taken advantage of. in slight terms, my person, heart, spirit or soul has only been crushed, fractured, depressed, defeated, stepped on, but never broken.
there are many aspects of my life that can go either one way or another. each way is broad, general for the most part and i like that freeing quality to it.
this is no exception from any other aspect. in the end, it goes one of two ways, except i think one way may break me. and its no use trying to get it to be gentle because it won't be. and with all such things, everything will just have to change.
it was fun though wasn't it?
i had fun.
sometimes when i'm driving, in silence or with music that makes me think, i start to pray. i do most of my praying when i'm alone in my car, driving. and as i talk out loud and spill my guts and sins, tears come to my throat and a slightly chilly tingle comes over my body, up my arms, across my neck and spine and down to the tips of my fingers and thats when i know i have the holy spirit.
i'm going to try and be ready for this. for anything said or not said, felt or not felt, loved, hated, possible or impossible, for cynicism, for bitterness, for objection, for excuses. and i will fight them. i won't let them seep in.
you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at
especially when we sit and talk about really intense things over a few beers and i leave at the end of the night with a lot to think about. some things i need to figure out, just suck it up and do what needs to be done i guess.
i'm not very good at confrontation.
sometimes, i know that God tends to show us how easily we can break so that He can repair us.
it's in our nature, as God's most important creation, to be broken. we need to be for faith to work. we constantly live our lives trying not to be, avoiding brokenness, almost at all costs.
being broken involves hurt, something i don't do very well.
i have never been on the edge of death. i have never watched someone i love intensely die in front of me. i have not lost any of the people who are the world to me. my parents have never been divorced. i've never been taken advantage of. in slight terms, my person, heart, spirit or soul has only been crushed, fractured, depressed, defeated, stepped on, but never broken.
there are many aspects of my life that can go either one way or another. each way is broad, general for the most part and i like that freeing quality to it.
this is no exception from any other aspect. in the end, it goes one of two ways, except i think one way may break me. and its no use trying to get it to be gentle because it won't be. and with all such things, everything will just have to change.
it was fun though wasn't it?
i had fun.
sometimes when i'm driving, in silence or with music that makes me think, i start to pray. i do most of my praying when i'm alone in my car, driving. and as i talk out loud and spill my guts and sins, tears come to my throat and a slightly chilly tingle comes over my body, up my arms, across my neck and spine and down to the tips of my fingers and thats when i know i have the holy spirit.
i'm going to try and be ready for this. for anything said or not said, felt or not felt, loved, hated, possible or impossible, for cynicism, for bitterness, for objection, for excuses. and i will fight them. i won't let them seep in.
you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
stick your heart inside of my chest
the past 2 weeks of my life have been a little hectic.
i am now working 2 jobs, interning, while trying to get prints done (fail), keep up with friends (fail), not getting really stressed out (fail), make music (fail) and actually sit down and think for a moment.
today was my first actual day off in weeks where i didn't really have something else to do, to go, some other obligation. i spent it at the mall with my mom and sister, helping them pick out easter outfits while i walked around in my black jeans, tegan and sara shirt and unwashed hair looking like a giant lesbian because i wasn't there to shop, i was there to spend time with them and listen to shitty college music at american eagle while madi tried on jeans (OWL CITY YOU ARE QUICKLY BECOMING THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE). then i came home, made some cd's and got some care packages together (you know who you are), ate awesome blueberry pie and watched fantastic mr. fox (FINALLY) followed by sherlock holmes.
here i am and since its my day off, here's what has been on the very intense forefront of my mind these past few days:
i went to the most wonderful show on sunday. it is inexplicable how incredibly wonderful it was. i had been waiting since i was a junior in high school to see Tegan and Sara live, and when they opened with The Ocean and stepped under those lights i literally cried my eyes out i was so happy and just incredibly overwhelmed by so so many things.
overwhelmed by the complete dissipation of suspense and the influx of relief.
overwhelmed that they opened with my favorite song off Sainthood.
overwhelmed by how incredibly beautiful and talented they were.
overwhelmed by my sister singing next to me and sharing it with her and britty.
and the show was fantastic. they played so long and they played so many great songs and they were funny and told stories and made fun of people who shouted at them,
and i'm in this giant auditorium of people in love.
in love with these girls. in love with the people they are with. their partners. their spouses. their significant others. the amount of couples there, gay, lesbian, straight, whatever was so immense and beautiful it was like all of lakewood decided that this sunday night was date night.
so the night ends and yesterday comes and i get up and i catch up with my mom and say goodbye to britty and drive to work and work and take breaks and come home exhausted and sleep and yesterday becomes today and these concepts and contemplations and witnessing's of love are floating through my head all day.
i have never been in love with anyone. there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with them. IN love is like a place to be or go to, like hell, michigan or like how madi used to think wedlock was a place a couples went in and out of like a town to get babies the good way or the bad way. being in love requires communication, admittance and the ability to say things aloud. i've loved a lot of people, i do love a lot of people and all in different ways. i have never loved anyone in the same way as another because everyone is different. thats not rocket science. and i loved people requietedly, unrequietedly, knowingly and unconsciously in retrospect. i have been with people, i have cared about people immensely, i have been close to the town of IN love but not quite in it, sometimes just by fate and actually a lot of times by choice.
please understand, i say this because it is a valuable trunk in the root system of my current thoughts, not a pity party.
and so i have this great penchant for love songs. i love love songs. i am an admitted romantic and i love that too. and yes, that totally sucks sometimes because i know things are idealized and i know things don't work out that way but maybe people don't try for them hard enough. and it sucks because to be honest, i don't know HOW the hell i'm not more of a cynic or non-romantic because most of the relationships i have witnessed in my life have been really shitty: they have been shitty between my friends, they have been shitty for a close friend, they have been shitty between parents, other family members. they have not necessarily been what i see love as being.
so i go to this concert. and i listen to these songs by these wonderful girls whom i love. because they write about love. they write about being in love. people they love. every wonderful and fucked up aspect of caring about someone SO MUCH that they form into these classic concepts of selflessness, two hearts with the same beat, what we have is real and thank you for loving me when i am a monster, when i fuck up, when i'm at my best, as me.
this is what love is to me and i don't think it wrong or bad or too old school to want it. i want it, sadly i'm just not one of those people who doesn't go looking for it everywhere. i know where it is. i know where to find it. people just need to let me give it to them and i guess no one has wanted it yet because its not fucking around. does that make sense? i'm not the type of person to try things out, give a go, hurt some people and live to tell about it. for me, i guess i'll just know when i know.
love is selflessness.
love is something that needs to change you, whether that comes slowly and patiently or in a whirlwind of clusterfuck.
love is gentle and real.
love is confident enough to trust and wise enough to stay away from jealousy.
love speaks, love listens, love holds tight, love holds accountable, not for you but for someone else, out of itself.
love feels like home, peace of mind, and comfort in your own skin.
love is open minded, love lets you yell, love keeps pride down, love apologizes.
love is i want you to be happy and i hope i can be a part in that happiness.
love is keep me safe.
love has baggage.
love is just spending time, just hanging out.
love is i'm not walking off this fucking plank without you.
love is i have plans but i want you in them.
love is complex, no where near instantaneous.
love is forgiveness.
love sees the best parts and accepts the bad ones, helping them become better.
love needs room to breathe and a sense of humor.
love is laughing.
love is acceptance and sacrifice while still having enough energy to push when it needs to.
love is slamming doors and tears and talking through things.
love is communicating and genuine honesty.
love is reassurance.
love is the unexpected.
love is grace.
love is rivers and dirt and trees and stars and crescent moons and music and cigarette smoke and books.
as a romantic whose been shoving various loves songs down into her chest since she was a child, thats what love is to me. and thats how i want it because thats what the real thing is. and i know its not going to be exact and perfect and start right away and be gravy train. its going to be different for everyone. its going to take time, its going to take patience. its going to be me ripping my fucking hair out asking myself what the fuck is going on. its probably going to take some yelling by myself in my car. and i'm going to cry privately about it and be privately overjoyed and girly and hideously disgusting. and there will be times when its hard and its angry and ugly and bitter, when it wants to be left alone, when it will be you can't fix this, when it will be there is nothing you can do for me. it will be like that for me, it will be like that for whoever. and there will be times of knowing and times of 'stay' and 'this is really good'.
there is a lot i want to do with my life, things i want to accomplish and experience and i'd be a liar and a fool to say i didn't want someone else to be a part of that, to be nicely in sync with it. as my mom would say 'gabe, i really hope you find someone on the same wavelength.' i know i have the capacity to love a person like this. sometimes that capacity is just sitting there so heavily it becomes impatient and overbearing and bitter. most times its questioning, researching, patient, waiting to be discovered instead of forced out too early or out of false alarm. but its there, full and immense. and the truth still remains, as always, that i cannot truly love another person in this capacity until i realize that that is how God, how Christ loves me, how thats the way he needs me, how thats the way i need to love and need myself before applying that to another person and i know i've come far in that department but i'm not quite done yet. i don't think you can ever actually fully do those things either, we're too human. i think other humans needs to help you realize and act upon those things
so i listen to Tegan and Sara, thank the Lord that they are both virgo's like me, and i bask in their love chords and lyrics and i let myself feel what i need to and hold myself accountable for what i need to. a lot of the time, i guard myself and i leave myself be because in a way, i don't really know what i would do or what i'm doing. i don't think you should have to, you should just be and being should be genuine.
the hair is getting the guillotine tomorrow morning. goodbye year and a half of growing your hair out, it was real, it was great, it was really great. didn't quite make it to mermaid status but a lioness doesn't need a mane to show what she is, she just needs herself and well, its time to go short again.
bon soir.
i am now working 2 jobs, interning, while trying to get prints done (fail), keep up with friends (fail), not getting really stressed out (fail), make music (fail) and actually sit down and think for a moment.
today was my first actual day off in weeks where i didn't really have something else to do, to go, some other obligation. i spent it at the mall with my mom and sister, helping them pick out easter outfits while i walked around in my black jeans, tegan and sara shirt and unwashed hair looking like a giant lesbian because i wasn't there to shop, i was there to spend time with them and listen to shitty college music at american eagle while madi tried on jeans (OWL CITY YOU ARE QUICKLY BECOMING THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE). then i came home, made some cd's and got some care packages together (you know who you are), ate awesome blueberry pie and watched fantastic mr. fox (FINALLY) followed by sherlock holmes.
here i am and since its my day off, here's what has been on the very intense forefront of my mind these past few days:
i went to the most wonderful show on sunday. it is inexplicable how incredibly wonderful it was. i had been waiting since i was a junior in high school to see Tegan and Sara live, and when they opened with The Ocean and stepped under those lights i literally cried my eyes out i was so happy and just incredibly overwhelmed by so so many things.
overwhelmed by the complete dissipation of suspense and the influx of relief.
overwhelmed that they opened with my favorite song off Sainthood.
overwhelmed by how incredibly beautiful and talented they were.
overwhelmed by my sister singing next to me and sharing it with her and britty.
and the show was fantastic. they played so long and they played so many great songs and they were funny and told stories and made fun of people who shouted at them,
and i'm in this giant auditorium of people in love.
in love with these girls. in love with the people they are with. their partners. their spouses. their significant others. the amount of couples there, gay, lesbian, straight, whatever was so immense and beautiful it was like all of lakewood decided that this sunday night was date night.
so the night ends and yesterday comes and i get up and i catch up with my mom and say goodbye to britty and drive to work and work and take breaks and come home exhausted and sleep and yesterday becomes today and these concepts and contemplations and witnessing's of love are floating through my head all day.
i have never been in love with anyone. there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with them. IN love is like a place to be or go to, like hell, michigan or like how madi used to think wedlock was a place a couples went in and out of like a town to get babies the good way or the bad way. being in love requires communication, admittance and the ability to say things aloud. i've loved a lot of people, i do love a lot of people and all in different ways. i have never loved anyone in the same way as another because everyone is different. thats not rocket science. and i loved people requietedly, unrequietedly, knowingly and unconsciously in retrospect. i have been with people, i have cared about people immensely, i have been close to the town of IN love but not quite in it, sometimes just by fate and actually a lot of times by choice.
please understand, i say this because it is a valuable trunk in the root system of my current thoughts, not a pity party.
and so i have this great penchant for love songs. i love love songs. i am an admitted romantic and i love that too. and yes, that totally sucks sometimes because i know things are idealized and i know things don't work out that way but maybe people don't try for them hard enough. and it sucks because to be honest, i don't know HOW the hell i'm not more of a cynic or non-romantic because most of the relationships i have witnessed in my life have been really shitty: they have been shitty between my friends, they have been shitty for a close friend, they have been shitty between parents, other family members. they have not necessarily been what i see love as being.
so i go to this concert. and i listen to these songs by these wonderful girls whom i love. because they write about love. they write about being in love. people they love. every wonderful and fucked up aspect of caring about someone SO MUCH that they form into these classic concepts of selflessness, two hearts with the same beat, what we have is real and thank you for loving me when i am a monster, when i fuck up, when i'm at my best, as me.
this is what love is to me and i don't think it wrong or bad or too old school to want it. i want it, sadly i'm just not one of those people who doesn't go looking for it everywhere. i know where it is. i know where to find it. people just need to let me give it to them and i guess no one has wanted it yet because its not fucking around. does that make sense? i'm not the type of person to try things out, give a go, hurt some people and live to tell about it. for me, i guess i'll just know when i know.
love is selflessness.
love is something that needs to change you, whether that comes slowly and patiently or in a whirlwind of clusterfuck.
love is gentle and real.
love is confident enough to trust and wise enough to stay away from jealousy.
love speaks, love listens, love holds tight, love holds accountable, not for you but for someone else, out of itself.
love feels like home, peace of mind, and comfort in your own skin.
love is open minded, love lets you yell, love keeps pride down, love apologizes.
love is i want you to be happy and i hope i can be a part in that happiness.
love is keep me safe.
love has baggage.
love is just spending time, just hanging out.
love is i'm not walking off this fucking plank without you.
love is i have plans but i want you in them.
love is complex, no where near instantaneous.
love is forgiveness.
love sees the best parts and accepts the bad ones, helping them become better.
love needs room to breathe and a sense of humor.
love is laughing.
love is acceptance and sacrifice while still having enough energy to push when it needs to.
love is slamming doors and tears and talking through things.
love is communicating and genuine honesty.
love is reassurance.
love is the unexpected.
love is grace.
love is rivers and dirt and trees and stars and crescent moons and music and cigarette smoke and books.
as a romantic whose been shoving various loves songs down into her chest since she was a child, thats what love is to me. and thats how i want it because thats what the real thing is. and i know its not going to be exact and perfect and start right away and be gravy train. its going to be different for everyone. its going to take time, its going to take patience. its going to be me ripping my fucking hair out asking myself what the fuck is going on. its probably going to take some yelling by myself in my car. and i'm going to cry privately about it and be privately overjoyed and girly and hideously disgusting. and there will be times when its hard and its angry and ugly and bitter, when it wants to be left alone, when it will be you can't fix this, when it will be there is nothing you can do for me. it will be like that for me, it will be like that for whoever. and there will be times of knowing and times of 'stay' and 'this is really good'.
there is a lot i want to do with my life, things i want to accomplish and experience and i'd be a liar and a fool to say i didn't want someone else to be a part of that, to be nicely in sync with it. as my mom would say 'gabe, i really hope you find someone on the same wavelength.' i know i have the capacity to love a person like this. sometimes that capacity is just sitting there so heavily it becomes impatient and overbearing and bitter. most times its questioning, researching, patient, waiting to be discovered instead of forced out too early or out of false alarm. but its there, full and immense. and the truth still remains, as always, that i cannot truly love another person in this capacity until i realize that that is how God, how Christ loves me, how thats the way he needs me, how thats the way i need to love and need myself before applying that to another person and i know i've come far in that department but i'm not quite done yet. i don't think you can ever actually fully do those things either, we're too human. i think other humans needs to help you realize and act upon those things
so i listen to Tegan and Sara, thank the Lord that they are both virgo's like me, and i bask in their love chords and lyrics and i let myself feel what i need to and hold myself accountable for what i need to. a lot of the time, i guard myself and i leave myself be because in a way, i don't really know what i would do or what i'm doing. i don't think you should have to, you should just be and being should be genuine.
the hair is getting the guillotine tomorrow morning. goodbye year and a half of growing your hair out, it was real, it was great, it was really great. didn't quite make it to mermaid status but a lioness doesn't need a mane to show what she is, she just needs herself and well, its time to go short again.
bon soir.
Monday, March 1, 2010
you've got to be kind!
me and madi are becoming bob sledders.
did you know that bob sleds have wheels?
i did not know this. i am fascinated.
i'm going to steer and madi is going to work breaks because she's really great at tucking.
no i have yet to see cool runnings. working on it.
i've had a lot to think about these past few weeks but i've been really selfish.
i apologize.
i really have been in my own head way too much and when you have a lot to think about, its hard to give yourself breaks.
i struggle with fear a lot.
i struggle with love a lot.
i have a lot of fears about things.
i have a lot of love sitting here because i've been given a great deal of love.
i try my best to give it back out. it can't just been incoming you know.
i pass by the little catholic school i attended as a child and the church attached to it nearly every day to or from work. it looks a lot smaller now, when i was a child it seemed massive. the church has these beautiful stained glass panels all mosaic'd along the upper walls. when i was in school there, we had to take a religion class that had this little work book to help explain concepts lost on us young ones. i can't remember if i was in first or second grade, but i have this memory of this concept of love being explained to us in religion class. how God loves us and how Jesus loves us, how its more than we love any toy or any food or any tv show...etc. and how because God made us, we want to love him and that we have to love him because it's just a part of us, like our hair and the color of our eyes are, it just IS that way. and how there are all these ways we can show God that we love him (mostly by being good, wholesome boys and girls who obviously fulfilled all their sacramental obligations...ANYWEW) and how because God loves us so much and because God made us, he makes that love His and gives it back, and not just to us, but to everyone. He takes our love and shares it with everyone. He re-gifts it.
i've been given a great deal of love.
i'm a person who tries to collect and savour quiet moments in life. i TRY.
like when you're laying in bed, still awake and in the dark and the most beautiful, mysterious light is coming through your window and you realize it's the moon, even the slightest sliver of it. or when i walk to work and take the back path through the woods, next to the over grown train tracks and i come around the corner near the tiny clearing and i see a deer, with his antlers just starting to grow and get fuzzy, less than 100 yards away and completely still. or when i'm driving my old neighborhood at night, getting stopped on a side street so a ghost train can come slowly through while i listen to music on my stereo. i love cheesy stuff like that. very small, almost things that make you feel like the only human person for miles.
alex comes home this week. cannot wait. cannot.
i get to see 2 very old, very dear and very awesome girlfriends tomorrow where we will go to Tommy's (the greatest restaurant in the Cleve) and be in each others company.
i am thankful. so thankful. continually trying to be humbly and graciously thankful.
i am thankful for friends. i am thankful for family. i am thankful for my dog.
i am thankful for music. i am thankful for words. i am thankful for art.
i am thankful for orange juice. i am thankful for fried egg, bacon, cheddar and avocado sammy's. i am thankful for sustenance.
i am thankful for you. i am thankful that you are consistent. i am thankful for your indisputable longevity. i am thankful that you get it. i am thankful that you are comfortable.
i am thankful for prayer.
i am thankful for Your presence. i am thankful for Your comfort. i am thankful for Your patience.
i am thankful for faith.
i am thankful for kindness. i am thankful for selflessness. i am thankful for hope.
i am thankful for sleep. i am thankful for dreams. i am thankful for memories.
i am thankful for honesty. i am thankful for modesty. i am thankful for grace.
i am thankful for peace. i am thankful for stillness. i am thankful for quiet.
i am thankful for moments of certainty. i am thankful for comfort. i am thankful for self awareness.
i am thankful for love.
did you know that bob sleds have wheels?
i did not know this. i am fascinated.
i'm going to steer and madi is going to work breaks because she's really great at tucking.
no i have yet to see cool runnings. working on it.
i've had a lot to think about these past few weeks but i've been really selfish.
i apologize.
i really have been in my own head way too much and when you have a lot to think about, its hard to give yourself breaks.
i struggle with fear a lot.
i struggle with love a lot.
i have a lot of fears about things.
i have a lot of love sitting here because i've been given a great deal of love.
i try my best to give it back out. it can't just been incoming you know.
i pass by the little catholic school i attended as a child and the church attached to it nearly every day to or from work. it looks a lot smaller now, when i was a child it seemed massive. the church has these beautiful stained glass panels all mosaic'd along the upper walls. when i was in school there, we had to take a religion class that had this little work book to help explain concepts lost on us young ones. i can't remember if i was in first or second grade, but i have this memory of this concept of love being explained to us in religion class. how God loves us and how Jesus loves us, how its more than we love any toy or any food or any tv show...etc. and how because God made us, we want to love him and that we have to love him because it's just a part of us, like our hair and the color of our eyes are, it just IS that way. and how there are all these ways we can show God that we love him (mostly by being good, wholesome boys and girls who obviously fulfilled all their sacramental obligations...ANYWEW) and how because God loves us so much and because God made us, he makes that love His and gives it back, and not just to us, but to everyone. He takes our love and shares it with everyone. He re-gifts it.
i've been given a great deal of love.
i'm a person who tries to collect and savour quiet moments in life. i TRY.
like when you're laying in bed, still awake and in the dark and the most beautiful, mysterious light is coming through your window and you realize it's the moon, even the slightest sliver of it. or when i walk to work and take the back path through the woods, next to the over grown train tracks and i come around the corner near the tiny clearing and i see a deer, with his antlers just starting to grow and get fuzzy, less than 100 yards away and completely still. or when i'm driving my old neighborhood at night, getting stopped on a side street so a ghost train can come slowly through while i listen to music on my stereo. i love cheesy stuff like that. very small, almost things that make you feel like the only human person for miles.
alex comes home this week. cannot wait. cannot.
i get to see 2 very old, very dear and very awesome girlfriends tomorrow where we will go to Tommy's (the greatest restaurant in the Cleve) and be in each others company.
i am thankful. so thankful. continually trying to be humbly and graciously thankful.
i am thankful for friends. i am thankful for family. i am thankful for my dog.
i am thankful for music. i am thankful for words. i am thankful for art.
i am thankful for orange juice. i am thankful for fried egg, bacon, cheddar and avocado sammy's. i am thankful for sustenance.
i am thankful for you. i am thankful that you are consistent. i am thankful for your indisputable longevity. i am thankful that you get it. i am thankful that you are comfortable.
i am thankful for prayer.
i am thankful for Your presence. i am thankful for Your comfort. i am thankful for Your patience.
i am thankful for faith.
i am thankful for kindness. i am thankful for selflessness. i am thankful for hope.
i am thankful for sleep. i am thankful for dreams. i am thankful for memories.
i am thankful for honesty. i am thankful for modesty. i am thankful for grace.
i am thankful for peace. i am thankful for stillness. i am thankful for quiet.
i am thankful for moments of certainty. i am thankful for comfort. i am thankful for self awareness.
i am thankful for love.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
dreaming is free
this morning i woke up with smell of canned peas in my nose. its how the cape smells, how the ocean and sand would smell during low tide when hermit crabs littered the path to the beach and the dunes, walking along singing Blondie to the ocean so that i could swim and bury myself in sand while amy got caught in seaweed. then we would go back to the cedar cabin, lay in the hammock strung between pine trees and growing in sand in the sideyard. laying head to heel sharing headphones while we harmonized to That Dog and Rose Melberg while the sun shining through the trees made patterns on our closed eyelids. we laid there for hours, singing, talking, planning out our lives of living there or going to california where amy would write feminist screenplays while i played in a band and had rainbow brite hair, living in shitty next door to each other apartments with our long haired artsy boyfriends, her with cats, me with dogs. the only thing conflicting my mind was what milkshake i would get at the Ben and Jerry's up the road: chocolate or strawberry, and how i could get amy to talk to the cute ice cream scooper.
i've been having similar dreams lately, which is actually not very uncommon. most dreams i've had in my life, i have had my whole life because they repeat themselves, the only slight difference being something like setting or someone else aside from the usual few will be in them. those are the only ones i really remember, most others, no matter how vivid usually pass from memory when i wake up. certain parts usually stick out though, parts with people, usually saying or doing something weird or profound or nerve racking to me in reality. for the past two weeks or so, about two nights or more a week, i've been in a similar vein of dreams. they are very short and very odd, not very vivid in terms of setting, just enough to know where i might be. in them, i am always with someone i love dearly, old friends, family members, people i miss, people i've been in conflict with or about. in one, we were on the beach in Wellfleet County, in another we were in my old house in Garfield Hts, in another i was in the studio at TU. in every dream, i come across one of these people in these places, and when i walk up to them, i realize that their fingertips and my fingertips are dipped and stained in black ink. then i look down and there's a press, usually a letter press, and we start dragging our fingers across the letters and plates and printing them.
somedays i feel like i'm drowning myself in my own skin, that just when i get used to being in it, feeling good about the person in there, i try to suffocate her. being in my home environment amplifies that a lot of the time, some of you know why, some of you don't and its not really something i choose to share but nonetheless exists. i know that and it's something i'm working on - its not as easy as saying 'it's bad' or 'it's good', a lot of things just run deep here. does that make sense? i'm pretty sure, in some way or another, that is the case for everyone.
most days, i read a lot, organize all the stuff in my room, make things for people, drink a lot of coffee, walk my dog and put in applications all over the place. i hang out with my sister, we bake cakes when we're bored or she'll try to give me a make over, try out new fashion tips she reads about in Seventeen (weird). after an early friday evening of laying in my bed trying to figure out something to do, we decided to watch The Wizard of Oz to The Dark Side of the Moon and it turned out to be one of the best fridays i've had in a long time. it was really weird and really awesome. we drank a lot of pop and ate turkey burgers and rice cakes.
i have spent a lot of time with my extended family which is really awesome - mardi gras, birthday parties, brunches, whatever, any reason we have to get together. as much as i don't really do crowds or large gatherings of people, i'm pretty sure thats only specific to strangers with interspersed friends because i could probably be around my entire family for the good part of a day no problem, regardless of vast amounts of little girls and pink shit that is occasionally all over the place. thats why God gives us beer and cousins.
i've been spending a lot of time with these kids - babies - which is actually amazing. they are so much fun and so smart and i love hanging out with them. i love playing cars and transformers with them and watching Cinderella and cuddling on the couch with them. i love making them laugh, i love picking them up, i love reading to them. i even love them when they are running around screaming from too much sugar. whatever. it's awesome.
on wednesday i start interning here: Zygote Press in downtown Cleveland (we're still the mistake on the lake! thank god!)
which is awesome. the extensiveness of this space and the things in it are too awesome for words but will probably try to be explained to one or more of you at a later date.
i had coffee with a very old friend of mine the other day. his name is jimmy and we've been friends since the summer we graduated from high school. the week before i had a dream with him in it, he just appeared out of nowhere and the next day i had a message from him on my phone. i hadn't seen him in over a year and we sat in a panera for 4 1/2 hours until they had to close, not only catching up but talking about things. everything. our worldviews, what we want to accomplish, where we're going from here, our trepidation's, our experiences, how we constantly process these things everyday. we've both changed and grown in a lot of ways and not so much in others and it was just really good to sit with someone whose known me that long, who is here with me, in this town, in this urban sprawl. he's one of those people who after years of interacting and being friends, i don't really need to explain myself so much. it's nice to not have to do that. it was one of those interactions with someone you know so well, who knows you that when you leave, you just feel a sense of relief because in a way they have brought you back to yourself. they have brought you back to yourself just by seeing you and knowing you the way that they do. it was one of those interactions that reminded me and brought back to me that part of myself that i like, parts that i not only like but am proud of, those parts that are the best of me.
my dad told me today that i just need to get up and go. i don't need to stay here, i can work a mindless job like waitressing somewhere else and still get on my feet. i could have stayed in indiana (surprise!), i could go anywhere basically. it really threw me off because if i could be elsewhere i would.
he's right.
it's warming up here a little (probably not for long) but its nice to smell a little dirt instead of snow
i've been having similar dreams lately, which is actually not very uncommon. most dreams i've had in my life, i have had my whole life because they repeat themselves, the only slight difference being something like setting or someone else aside from the usual few will be in them. those are the only ones i really remember, most others, no matter how vivid usually pass from memory when i wake up. certain parts usually stick out though, parts with people, usually saying or doing something weird or profound or nerve racking to me in reality. for the past two weeks or so, about two nights or more a week, i've been in a similar vein of dreams. they are very short and very odd, not very vivid in terms of setting, just enough to know where i might be. in them, i am always with someone i love dearly, old friends, family members, people i miss, people i've been in conflict with or about. in one, we were on the beach in Wellfleet County, in another we were in my old house in Garfield Hts, in another i was in the studio at TU. in every dream, i come across one of these people in these places, and when i walk up to them, i realize that their fingertips and my fingertips are dipped and stained in black ink. then i look down and there's a press, usually a letter press, and we start dragging our fingers across the letters and plates and printing them.
somedays i feel like i'm drowning myself in my own skin, that just when i get used to being in it, feeling good about the person in there, i try to suffocate her. being in my home environment amplifies that a lot of the time, some of you know why, some of you don't and its not really something i choose to share but nonetheless exists. i know that and it's something i'm working on - its not as easy as saying 'it's bad' or 'it's good', a lot of things just run deep here. does that make sense? i'm pretty sure, in some way or another, that is the case for everyone.
most days, i read a lot, organize all the stuff in my room, make things for people, drink a lot of coffee, walk my dog and put in applications all over the place. i hang out with my sister, we bake cakes when we're bored or she'll try to give me a make over, try out new fashion tips she reads about in Seventeen (weird). after an early friday evening of laying in my bed trying to figure out something to do, we decided to watch The Wizard of Oz to The Dark Side of the Moon and it turned out to be one of the best fridays i've had in a long time. it was really weird and really awesome. we drank a lot of pop and ate turkey burgers and rice cakes.
i have spent a lot of time with my extended family which is really awesome - mardi gras, birthday parties, brunches, whatever, any reason we have to get together. as much as i don't really do crowds or large gatherings of people, i'm pretty sure thats only specific to strangers with interspersed friends because i could probably be around my entire family for the good part of a day no problem, regardless of vast amounts of little girls and pink shit that is occasionally all over the place. thats why God gives us beer and cousins.
i've been spending a lot of time with these kids - babies - which is actually amazing. they are so much fun and so smart and i love hanging out with them. i love playing cars and transformers with them and watching Cinderella and cuddling on the couch with them. i love making them laugh, i love picking them up, i love reading to them. i even love them when they are running around screaming from too much sugar. whatever. it's awesome.
on wednesday i start interning here: Zygote Press in downtown Cleveland (we're still the mistake on the lake! thank god!)
which is awesome. the extensiveness of this space and the things in it are too awesome for words but will probably try to be explained to one or more of you at a later date.
i had coffee with a very old friend of mine the other day. his name is jimmy and we've been friends since the summer we graduated from high school. the week before i had a dream with him in it, he just appeared out of nowhere and the next day i had a message from him on my phone. i hadn't seen him in over a year and we sat in a panera for 4 1/2 hours until they had to close, not only catching up but talking about things. everything. our worldviews, what we want to accomplish, where we're going from here, our trepidation's, our experiences, how we constantly process these things everyday. we've both changed and grown in a lot of ways and not so much in others and it was just really good to sit with someone whose known me that long, who is here with me, in this town, in this urban sprawl. he's one of those people who after years of interacting and being friends, i don't really need to explain myself so much. it's nice to not have to do that. it was one of those interactions with someone you know so well, who knows you that when you leave, you just feel a sense of relief because in a way they have brought you back to yourself. they have brought you back to yourself just by seeing you and knowing you the way that they do. it was one of those interactions that reminded me and brought back to me that part of myself that i like, parts that i not only like but am proud of, those parts that are the best of me.
my dad told me today that i just need to get up and go. i don't need to stay here, i can work a mindless job like waitressing somewhere else and still get on my feet. i could have stayed in indiana (surprise!), i could go anywhere basically. it really threw me off because if i could be elsewhere i would.
he's right.
it's warming up here a little (probably not for long) but its nice to smell a little dirt instead of snow
Sunday, January 31, 2010
break
deep
deep
deep
deep
breaths.
must fill every single one of my tar stained alvioli's with air.
3 times
4 times
as many times as i can
breath deep
exhale slowly.
painfully slow.
shakily slow.
3 times
4 times
let it out.
shake it off.
take a step back.
play it cool.
think.
realize.
accept.
and continue.
welcome to the precipice.
remember where you come from, remember who you are, remember you are loved unconditionally, remember you are supported without question or hesitation. remember what you've so far been through, remember what you have learned from that. remember who knows those things and loves them, keep them near to you and distance yourself from those who can't see it, who fear it, who don't understand. everyone has baggage, anyone worth knowing or being with. accept things you can't change, work on the things you can. make yourself happy for one day in your life and fuck everyone else, in the end it means nothing. don't try to fix things, don't try to figure them out, don't try to hold control. love things as they are, if they are good and good for you, they will figure out themselves if they need to be. otherwise, enjoy their unquestionable, simple comfort that they bring. say what needs to be said, hold your tongue when it is necessary and wise. love honestly, live honestly, communicate honestly and go with your guts even when you know you are at fault because your mind can talk you out of anything. take responsibility for your actions because they are yours, you are the only one who can change them, no one can make one do anything, need anything, be anything but yourself. don't make excuses, don't blame others for your problems, don't expect others to come to you, don't sit silent - if you are unhappy, you must change that, no one else. speak up and speak out of love, not out of bitterness or judgement or blame or ignorance, there is always more going on than anyone else really knows. be able to look at yourself critically, squarely, humbly and with modest love because you were made, as you are, to be something greater and bigger than all of this, it will just take some time.
do what you need to do, pray for wisdom and pray pray and pray for grace. grace and wisdom and love. no one needs more than that. because at the end of the day, regardless of physical suffering, everyone is suffering. all of humanity is suffering one way or another whether it be global or communal or personal - know that you are, identify it and with it and remember those who really are and give praise for your mercy, for your grace and be grateful.
figure it out
do it
get it done
and be done with it.
when i am older, i will have an orange tree.
in a month or so, i will probably cut off all my hair.
tomorrow i will pack.
an hour ago, i was drinking coffee out of my peter pan mug in my safe place.
an hour from now i will be at the post office sending off a letter.
this time last week i was sleeping.
this time next week i'll be at home with my sister.
this time next year i'll know where i want to be and who i'll want to be with.
this time a year ago i didn't even know you.
i can't wait to take my shoes off and look up at the stars without freezing.
deep
deep
deep
breaths.
must fill every single one of my tar stained alvioli's with air.
3 times
4 times
as many times as i can
breath deep
exhale slowly.
painfully slow.
shakily slow.
3 times
4 times
let it out.
shake it off.
take a step back.
play it cool.
think.
realize.
accept.
and continue.
welcome to the precipice.
remember where you come from, remember who you are, remember you are loved unconditionally, remember you are supported without question or hesitation. remember what you've so far been through, remember what you have learned from that. remember who knows those things and loves them, keep them near to you and distance yourself from those who can't see it, who fear it, who don't understand. everyone has baggage, anyone worth knowing or being with. accept things you can't change, work on the things you can. make yourself happy for one day in your life and fuck everyone else, in the end it means nothing. don't try to fix things, don't try to figure them out, don't try to hold control. love things as they are, if they are good and good for you, they will figure out themselves if they need to be. otherwise, enjoy their unquestionable, simple comfort that they bring. say what needs to be said, hold your tongue when it is necessary and wise. love honestly, live honestly, communicate honestly and go with your guts even when you know you are at fault because your mind can talk you out of anything. take responsibility for your actions because they are yours, you are the only one who can change them, no one can make one do anything, need anything, be anything but yourself. don't make excuses, don't blame others for your problems, don't expect others to come to you, don't sit silent - if you are unhappy, you must change that, no one else. speak up and speak out of love, not out of bitterness or judgement or blame or ignorance, there is always more going on than anyone else really knows. be able to look at yourself critically, squarely, humbly and with modest love because you were made, as you are, to be something greater and bigger than all of this, it will just take some time.
do what you need to do, pray for wisdom and pray pray and pray for grace. grace and wisdom and love. no one needs more than that. because at the end of the day, regardless of physical suffering, everyone is suffering. all of humanity is suffering one way or another whether it be global or communal or personal - know that you are, identify it and with it and remember those who really are and give praise for your mercy, for your grace and be grateful.
figure it out
do it
get it done
and be done with it.
when i am older, i will have an orange tree.
in a month or so, i will probably cut off all my hair.
tomorrow i will pack.
an hour ago, i was drinking coffee out of my peter pan mug in my safe place.
an hour from now i will be at the post office sending off a letter.
this time last week i was sleeping.
this time next week i'll be at home with my sister.
this time next year i'll know where i want to be and who i'll want to be with.
this time a year ago i didn't even know you.
i can't wait to take my shoes off and look up at the stars without freezing.
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