rewind

things i have to remind myself of constantly:

one day at a time

all is full of love.



let's be honest friends, my mind is a pretty hot mess most of the time. whose isn't. i didn't make this blog so people i love can read me whining. i made it to share my thoughts. to get them out. sometimes, i just don't have it together. sure, everything is still fluttering around in there, but you pray about it. you talk to your friends. you scream it out. you take baby steps. because most of the time, it's not what you think it is, nor is it as bad. everything is everything, what comes to pass is supposed to and what doesn't, doesn't. at the end of the day, you have those who love you, and sure, you go through some shit, some confusion, but those are meant to stay, will stay and make sure that they do. that's all there is to it.
its good to know that no matter what happens, no matter what is so bad or so confusing in a moment, i'll still be here and so will you. i know that as fact. i do not question it and i don't know why i ever would. some people in your life are just there to stay. staying should be enough, shouldn't it?

my bestie is the best there is. she made me a christmas video, she keeps me sane and calm when i need to be and still loves me without failure or question while still knowing pretty much everything about me, all the best parts of me and the very worst as well.
how many people do you love like that?
better question, how many people know you love them like that?
if you're anything like me, probably not many because we are great at thinking people know what we really mean through our actions.
newsflash: most of the time, they don't.
we're too busy taking them for granted.

so here's one small step, a started for when i verbalize it at a later date if i haven't let you know already:
i love you emily, i love you britty, i love you tiffy, i love you stephen, i love you taylor, i love you jamie, i love you mom, i love you dad, i love you madi, i love you alex, i love you hero, i love you lamb, i love you frog, i love you lizzy, i love you jimmy, i love you christine, i love you amy, i love you eileen, i love you spencermonster, i love you dustin, i love you andrew, i love you luke, i love you paul, i love you beth, i love you daelan, i love you nathan, i love you rachel, i love you ally, i love you sarah, i love you ashely, i love you lindsey, i love you carmen, i love you steph, i love you jon, i love you erica, i love you andy1, i love you andy2, i love you kevin, i love you kyle, i love you kylie, i love you grandma, i love you pop pop, i love you grandma k, i love you grandpa k, i love you mike,dave,deb,marykay,terese,jim,marie,thad,tash,danielle,ian,matt,dave,jon,anna,nat,soph, i love you kathy, connie, dale, helene, greg, mary, ed, bill, andrea, jackie, timmy,michelle,tina,tony and all 150 of my cousins.

merry christmas :)
thats all for a while.

hello friends

i am currently snowed in in the beautiful town of upland until monday due to quite a bit of snow, a mothers nervousness, and silliness upon my part in a checking account.

this is, in a way, another one of those karma situations i've been experiencing over the past 48-72 hours considering i wanted nothing more to get out of here this time yesterday but this is good.

it's snowing. white fluffy sticky snow, building snow, snow ball fight snow.
school is over which takes away a lot of the stress.
this gives me more time with stephen whom i will miss to a point beyond explanation.
this gives me more time with tiff whose easy company i don't experience enough through the school time.
this gives me time to relax myself, to process the last week because Lord knows enough happened that needs thinking and sorting.
this gives me time to make mixes and write letters and make homemade notebooks and christmas cards and presents.
this gives me time to clean while listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas album that is so amazing.
COCOA. raspberry cocoa.
i'll probably watch Love Actually again and do something ridiculous.
this is good.


ps: little known fact: the pixies are probably still my favorite band, seriously. its probably because they're so weird.

peace like a river

you know,
i'm getting the feeling that we all need an island dance party vacation.

this is the first time in many years that i'm kind of wishing for warmer weather at this time of year.
i wish i had pine trees in sand dunes salty breeze sunshine and a hammock.
but if i am going to be here for a bit (which i am), i at least wish there was some snow so that i could build a giant fort and tunnel system in one of those huge piles left by the bulldozers. or a sweet tree house, with heat. that would be cool.
i like that. burying myself in things. like snow or sand or leaves or dirt or blankets or people. it's weird, but i do. i think the feeling that comes with being completely covered and surrounded by those things appeals to me. the warmth found inside buried snow, crisp warm grains of sand, the smell of dirt and leaves, the comfortable calm safety and togetherness of people and blankets. thats what i need right now.
did you know that a person needs at least 6 meaningful touches a day from others?

thats what i need. someone who will just snuggle down with me while i do my homework and hang out and keep me calmed down and from academic panic. in my living room, with the fire on, with some hot tea and maybe some beef stew or shepherds pie or soup or something.


everything will be alright.
everything will work out, get done, get sorted and be still.
i am constantly struggling with giving myself peace, letting myself be peaceful and experiencing that incredible aspect of God that is peace. i am constantly conflicted and thinking and processing every little aspect of my life that i am easily overwhelmed and worn out by it. i am very stubborn you know. i am working at it, and some days are harder, a lot harder, than others but i've been allowing my rebellion and guilt to still and just let myself have peace sometimes.
what changes now is usually best for our futures and all is full of love.
always love because without it you are nothing and have nothing.
anyone who says otherwise is full of horseshit. road apples.
because everything changes and you'll know who and what is replaceable, isn't and won't ever be.
hold out for the ones you know will love you.

so let it be well, let it be still, allow yourself some peace.



merry christmas everyone. in less than a week i will stuffed with homemade christmas cookies. i love you.

OJ

i have the greatest friends in the whole world.


i'm sure most people, at some point in time, think this.
but i really do.
mine are the greatest.
yes, i know the greatest people in the whole world, everyone worth knowing and investing in.

i am just short 2 weeks out of graduating (hopefully, i don't see why not). it's going to take a lot of finesse (IE: i have so much chemistry homework to do), and i may be here in january just to get some more work done. point being, a year from now, i won't be here. i won't be seeing the people i love here in this place, i'll be seeing them elsewhere. i'm alright with that for the most part simply because i find it very gratifying that i have nothing keeping me anywhere. i am tied to nothing, i have nothing pulling me in one direction or the other really. no job to stick around for, no classes to finish, no boyfriend to DTR over everything, just me and my closest, dearest friends i will keep.
that's kind of awesome.


man i love orange juice.

more blessings

subcategory: my family

all families have their shit and no family is perfect, there will always be issues between parents and their children, parents between each other, with extended family, with differing views, with the world - not to diminish or lessen anyone's specific experience, but just in saying. my family certainly has its shit as well, but i am so incredibly thankful for my family.
all of it. all 150 on one side and all 40 on the other - i love all of them. and why? because of our capacity for absorption. i know how very blessed i am to have the family that i do but the very greatest and most wonderful thing about them is that anyone can come in and be a part of it. every one of my friends who are hurting, who are scared, angry, dejected, unconfident and alone in their own families, i want so desperately to bring them home with me just so they can be absorbed, so they can be as fully and equally blessed as i am - because that is by far the most beautiful thing about it, the fullness and equality in that absorption and that taking in contributed by everyone, not only by my own small family, but by my extended family as well. there are so many of us, with so much shit, differences, disagreements, idiosyncrasies and experience that the best thing we know how to do is support and love each other and others and we will take any excuse we can get to get together with one another, we seriously have a gathering for EVERYTHING, which is AMAZING. i can honestly say that i would lay down my life for most of my family - mom, dad, especially brother and sister, grandparents, my godmother. i would do anything to help make these people better and happy and they would do the same for me without question.
plus, i don't mean to brag but we're all pretty much fucking awesome. i'm not just saying that, it's totally true (this coming from the least awesome member). with most families, i am sad to say, you can't all lay around in a huge pile trying to think up every possible synonym for the word poop.


subcategory: the manfriends

there is something certainly to be said about the kind of guys i am typically surrounded by at school, but i am glad to say that lately i have been in the company of some truly awesome men. granted, some of them are no longer here anymore and it's sad that a little time and distance has actually made me think about that but that aside, i am still glad to call them my friends. there is one in particular who made me think about and realize this and because of that i miss his company immensely, which in turn got me thinking of other men who are similar in their behavior, maturity, demeanor, respect, their ability to reciprocate and confidence in themselves. they are men who truly respect women, not in that 'i need to be a gentlemen' way, but in a truly respectful, meaningful, equal and invaluable way due to that maturity, self awareness, sensitivity and intelligence. they are great to talk to, hang out with, listen to and again, whether it be a coworker or friend or classmate, mandatory house boyfriend etc. there is something to be said about that because A: it's sadly highly critisized to be a true man like that and B: it's rare, most 'men' are actually still guys or boys.
so here's to my manfriends: thank you for being so solid, awesome examples/hope for the future of your sex, respectful and willing. thank you for watching project runway with us, making us food, bringing us our favorite beer, leaving us notes in our drawers and surprises in our lockers, asking us questions, opening up to us about your feelings and your lives, supporting and understanding where we are in our lives, telling us how much you love your girlfriend, telling us how you see us, actually have the balls to tell us how you care about us (in whatever way), not taking us for granted, bringing us vicks kleenex, nyquil and cigarettes, encouraging us, taking out our trash even though you know we can do it (just because you can), drinking with us, writing to us, listening to us and letting us listen to you, making us laugh, fixing shit and letting us fix shit, not being afraid to hug us, crying in front of us, being men.


now if you will excuse me, i have to go watch Return of the Jedi.

i am ill equipped to handle this all the time.

i can't even control, facilitate, organize, fix or mediate my own life.
i have to talk to myself constantly just to make sure i keep walking around and do what i need to be doing.
and that's just in everyday tasks.

i wish i had a safe place. with safe people. people to just let ME be for a little bit.
instead of letting me be for 5 minutes.
instead of asking me what to do when they know what to do.
instead of taking me for granted.
instead of not knowing me well enough by now to know what i need.
instead of not reciprocating or reciprocating out of shallowness.
instead of not wanting to put up with it.

do you think i want to put up with it?
but i do. out of love.
but the fucking peacemaker needs some fucking peace
and no one i know here can give me any peace
let alone know that it's what i need.

i need a bed with a huge ass comforter. a clean one, with white sheets in white room. with every book i've ever wanted to read on the bedside table, with a breeze coming through the window. i need my dog who loves me unconditionally without asking me about school money boys or what i'm going to do with my life. i need an americano made by someone i love and some scrambled fucking eggs with bacon on a cream cheesed bagel. i need a car full of gas and a record store and book store and an antique store and nice fucking guy to just walk around with that doesn't make me feel like a fucking idiot who can actually talk to me on some normal respectful uncomplicated plane as a woman and not just some girl.

too much to ask huh?

blessings

part one:
subcategory: my girlfriends

when i was a sophomore here, basically one of the worst years and the best years i've ever experienced, i was going to transfer to art school, where i would have no doubt, in the best terminology, either would have become an extreme fuck up or a huge hermit basket case with dogs (the latter might still happen...) anyway, i stuck around because even though that was the worst year in my college career, it was also the year that i learned the most from and a lot of that learning stemmed from the solid friendships that i developed with a lot of awesome women here. i mention this year because i know that through those friendships, i became much more confident in myself but also it taught me and allowed me to build really solid friendships after the fact. i know so many great women who go to school here, who live here etc. not only am i blessed with beautiful strong smart housemates, but i am blessed to say that every woman that i have thus since formed friendships have been really solid, whether they be my housemates, my friends, my art peers, my coworkers or a combination - every one of my closest girlfriends are all strong, confident, talented, intelligent, beautiful, hilarious, mature, compassionate, supportive, respectful, open-minded, healing women. they are not girls, they are women. and i don't mean to get bitchy or even generalize, but most guys here don't even know what that is or how to handle it, it's not seen as confidence or experience or wisdom or depth of character, its seen as baggage or craziness. any guy here would be lucky to have any of these women as a friend or even an acquaintance, it's just a sad fact that pretty much most guys here are still boys who want girls, who want them a certain way, to look a certain way, to have a certain thing about them, etc. some fucked up standard because they don't know what a woman is and how blessed they would be to have one like any of my girlfriends. we are just so blessed (though frustrating) to be at a point where we know that we are women, not girls. girls go to boys with expectations and boys meet them there with equal expectations without any of the moving. women meet men half way because both are willing to.

my girlfriends, they know who they are, they know what they've been through and they have faced it and allowed it to contribute to their growth and their person and have built such a solid character and confidence with it and i am honored and blessed to have such confidants.

coming soon, part two