i've been listening to a lot of music lately. dumb statement, but i bring it up because it put in my mind an interesting correlation i have noticed.
certain music obviously stimulates people differently, duh, everyone is different. what i mean is, i'm finding that most people i know usually fall into two very broad categories: people who listen to music because of the actual sound and music, and people who listen to music mostly for lyrical content. these are obviously not strict categories and everyone is a little or a lot of both, but its interesting to me because this leads into the very important fact of how music is interpreted for each person, which then leads to the whole mixtape mix cd culture so involved in generation x.
music conveys different things to each person, whether that be through lyrical or musical content. i listen to a lot of music without words that rips my heart out but a lot of the music i listen to i love so much because of words combined with that music. for example, i can say for me, my best friend, and now that i think about it, most of the females i know, listen to music for its lyrical content because thats what we probably most associate with FEELING. they are words, spelled out. again, not that wordless music cannot be associated with feeling, but with words, it is spelled out and a lot of times the musical sounds reflect those words and that feeling. isn't that interesting? i find it interesting. it comes down to how any kind of music connects with you, sometimes its through words and sometimes its through sound. you play a song that means something to you through it sounds but may mean or say something entirely different to me because of its words, its all about interpretation. it's the pro and the con of most art - the difference in interpretation, the beauty in that and how it can relate so differently but so universally to each person at the same time, but depending on where its coming from that difference in interpretation can also be a little dangerous too.
i have this habit where sometimes, when i'm listening to music, i think about my life as a movie. not my whole life, mostly just small parts of my life, like what is currently happening, what i'm currently experiencing or feeling or seeing and for each moment i think about what song would play to best describe and convey what is is thats happening while at the same time expressing how i'm thinking and feeling. what would play during the opening credits, what would play when i'm feeling a particular sort of happy, what i'm feeling during a pretty low moment, etc. all of those things. thats not uncommon, i'm pretty sure a lot of people make mini movies like that, i wonder if there is an actual film out there somewhere that has no dialogue, just music to serve as it. i'm sure there is, but not a short one, and not one thats vague, but kind of like playing Dark Side of the Moon to Wizard of Oz, kind of not. like if The Royal Tenenbaums had just its soundtrack and no dialogue, i think everything would still be conveyed properly and beautifully.
most music appeals to me lyrically because it mostly has the words i completely lack or lack the ability to say, to speak. i'm not very good at speaking, especially when something needs to be said. and it only makes it better when the sounds coming out with those words are the sounds i would try to make if i could not speak.
i've been depressed lately, lately as in...oh...the past 2 months, a relapse in some ways especially after being home and soon to be going back there for a while. some music hurts that and some music helps it. i've been working at not feeling things so intensely or concentrating on those feelings so much since i was in middle school to very little avail. sometimes my mind and my guts are so clouded with feelings and thoughts in conflict and crisis that i cannot concentrate on anything else ever and i've been trying to work out of that for the past 2 months, to basically care less, if care at all. it blinds me sometimes, irrationally, single minded and crazy. it's really difficult. its always been difficult and always will be because it is just something that will always be. i will feel things change, hurt, grow, fail and push before they ever do - the blue comes from trying to either keep those things from happening or trying to change them myself. stubbornness and pride and guilt and worry. because of that, there always comes a time in the lives of those that i love and who love me where i keep myself from them, where i guard myself in self preservation and protection because my love for them and the intensity of my relationships with them get to be so much so that they scare me - and the hurt that comes with it because things always change, constant change, the fact that things can't always be what they are and that they will never be that way again through fights or individual, personal change or loss or space or distance or time or ignorance or passivity or aggressiveness or pushing or anything and it just takes me a while to remember that i can't push all the time or keep pushing. all i can and want to do is be still and you can't be still if you're always trying to keep yourself from hurt all the time.
so here i am, again trying to be still, trying to feel things but not fear them into complete hardness, not to ignore them but to feel them and accept them, knowing what will happen - knowing it will bring me hurt, knowing i'll be pulling out defenses but knowing i'll be taking risks. it will be so difficult - i'll want to curl up and die and bury myself and feel the howl between my lungs rife with all the words i can't speak and thoughts i can't figure out and feelings i can't make go away and things i can't get unstuck from my mind, but i'll know what it is and i'll know what it isn't and i'll work on leaving it behind me.
for now, all i would really need to be content is an egg sammy, some iced tea, rose melberg on vinyl and a little patch of sunshine to sit in, but its foggy and cold so i'll settle for the sammy, strawberry milk and jersey shore.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
you can't carry it with you if you want to survive
as the rain and snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and make it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty...
for the first time in my life, i find myself wishing for spring and summer. i want to be in my woods again, getting lost there. i want to smell tomato plants and wet warm dirt and the lavender and sage and lemon verbena in my herb garden. i want to go back to the jungle in the mountains on the river, eating oranges off trees and just seeing the hills and the green and the air outside my door.
i want to go back to san francisco and walk those hills and streets and go to the bay and the beach and eat crusty bread with cheese and cobb salads and walk through haight ashbury and knob hill and beatnik north shore streets with my music on and eating a veggie sammy with an organic orange creme soda while i sit on a curb and watch everything.
when i'm older, i want an orange tree.
i'm 22 years old and sometimes, a lot of the time, i still want to live like Weetzie Bat.
awesome things and things realized over christmas break:
1. madi can moonwalk. like REALLY moonwalk, she can actually do it. i wouldn't lie about that. how she's the one out of three who ended up here from planet badass, i have no idea.
2. she also made a snooki cookie - yes, from jersey shore - IE: a sugar cookie iced with complete guidette makeup, a poof for her hair and a black eye.
3. being back in upland, with all this cold, wind and snow, i find myself wishing to be elsewhere, like i so often do. i've spent a lot of my time here thinking that, thinking about being elsewhere, WHY didn't i go somewhere else, why the HELL didn't i transfer to art school when i could have...blah blah blah etc. but here's the thing, and i know i've harped on this before so humor me - the people i have met here are completely indispensable to me. they are irreplaceable and i would be foolish and arrogant to think otherwise. sure, i could say i would have met similar people if i would have ended up somewhere else, that there would have been no loss, no one is really that unique anymore so i would have met SOMEONE like you or you or you or whoever, that SOMEHOW in that parallel universe situation, needs would have been met one way or another and i would have grown into a similar albeit slightly different self.
bullshit. at least for me.
have we really become so disconnected or jaded or distanced in our actual personal visceral relationships with others to think such things?sure, in a rational way, that may be true, but in saying or even thinking something like that i feel like you strip everyone in your life who means anything to you of their value. and its probably stripped enough as it is simply by existing.
if you haven't noticed, i think about these things a lot. how i treat, react, interact, invest in others and how others do that with me and the dynamics of all of that and the blessings and heartache that can come with that. its exhausting but at least i know thats the secret to life.
4. i love when you're listening to music, or your listening to some new music for the first time and a song comes on and within the first 30 seconds it just rips your heart out its so good, just everything about it is perfect for the moment your in and you feel like crying and screaming and smiling and rolling around and dancing at the same time because the words combined with that music is just the most beautiful perfect thing you ever heard and you just want to share it with everyone, or with someone special and close to you or you just want to keep it to yourself and hide it so that no one can feel that moment of truth that you did and see that part of you.
5. swiss cheese toasties.
6. i really like to remaster mix lists.
7. the hundreds of letter press images waiting for me.
8. what the hell, i'm a goner anyway so what do i have to lose? if its not this, then its something else i guess. there's so much growing to be done and time to pass. i've got a house with an orange tree or a cranberry bog to get to and a little shop to work in. it would be great if you would come but you have dreams to live out and hearts to break and a heart to get broken. i'll do my best to be around and keep a place for all of that.
hellooooo cigarette!
peace and chicken grease.
for the first time in my life, i find myself wishing for spring and summer. i want to be in my woods again, getting lost there. i want to smell tomato plants and wet warm dirt and the lavender and sage and lemon verbena in my herb garden. i want to go back to the jungle in the mountains on the river, eating oranges off trees and just seeing the hills and the green and the air outside my door.
i want to go back to san francisco and walk those hills and streets and go to the bay and the beach and eat crusty bread with cheese and cobb salads and walk through haight ashbury and knob hill and beatnik north shore streets with my music on and eating a veggie sammy with an organic orange creme soda while i sit on a curb and watch everything.
when i'm older, i want an orange tree.
i'm 22 years old and sometimes, a lot of the time, i still want to live like Weetzie Bat.
awesome things and things realized over christmas break:
1. madi can moonwalk. like REALLY moonwalk, she can actually do it. i wouldn't lie about that. how she's the one out of three who ended up here from planet badass, i have no idea.
2. she also made a snooki cookie - yes, from jersey shore - IE: a sugar cookie iced with complete guidette makeup, a poof for her hair and a black eye.
3. being back in upland, with all this cold, wind and snow, i find myself wishing to be elsewhere, like i so often do. i've spent a lot of my time here thinking that, thinking about being elsewhere, WHY didn't i go somewhere else, why the HELL didn't i transfer to art school when i could have...blah blah blah etc. but here's the thing, and i know i've harped on this before so humor me - the people i have met here are completely indispensable to me. they are irreplaceable and i would be foolish and arrogant to think otherwise. sure, i could say i would have met similar people if i would have ended up somewhere else, that there would have been no loss, no one is really that unique anymore so i would have met SOMEONE like you or you or you or whoever, that SOMEHOW in that parallel universe situation, needs would have been met one way or another and i would have grown into a similar albeit slightly different self.
bullshit. at least for me.
have we really become so disconnected or jaded or distanced in our actual personal visceral relationships with others to think such things?sure, in a rational way, that may be true, but in saying or even thinking something like that i feel like you strip everyone in your life who means anything to you of their value. and its probably stripped enough as it is simply by existing.
if you haven't noticed, i think about these things a lot. how i treat, react, interact, invest in others and how others do that with me and the dynamics of all of that and the blessings and heartache that can come with that. its exhausting but at least i know thats the secret to life.
4. i love when you're listening to music, or your listening to some new music for the first time and a song comes on and within the first 30 seconds it just rips your heart out its so good, just everything about it is perfect for the moment your in and you feel like crying and screaming and smiling and rolling around and dancing at the same time because the words combined with that music is just the most beautiful perfect thing you ever heard and you just want to share it with everyone, or with someone special and close to you or you just want to keep it to yourself and hide it so that no one can feel that moment of truth that you did and see that part of you.
5. swiss cheese toasties.
6. i really like to remaster mix lists.
7. the hundreds of letter press images waiting for me.
8. what the hell, i'm a goner anyway so what do i have to lose? if its not this, then its something else i guess. there's so much growing to be done and time to pass. i've got a house with an orange tree or a cranberry bog to get to and a little shop to work in. it would be great if you would come but you have dreams to live out and hearts to break and a heart to get broken. i'll do my best to be around and keep a place for all of that.
hellooooo cigarette!
peace and chicken grease.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
rewind
things i have to remind myself of constantly:
one day at a time
all is full of love.
let's be honest friends, my mind is a pretty hot mess most of the time. whose isn't. i didn't make this blog so people i love can read me whining. i made it to share my thoughts. to get them out. sometimes, i just don't have it together. sure, everything is still fluttering around in there, but you pray about it. you talk to your friends. you scream it out. you take baby steps. because most of the time, it's not what you think it is, nor is it as bad. everything is everything, what comes to pass is supposed to and what doesn't, doesn't. at the end of the day, you have those who love you, and sure, you go through some shit, some confusion, but those are meant to stay, will stay and make sure that they do. that's all there is to it.
its good to know that no matter what happens, no matter what is so bad or so confusing in a moment, i'll still be here and so will you. i know that as fact. i do not question it and i don't know why i ever would. some people in your life are just there to stay. staying should be enough, shouldn't it?
my bestie is the best there is. she made me a christmas video, she keeps me sane and calm when i need to be and still loves me without failure or question while still knowing pretty much everything about me, all the best parts of me and the very worst as well.
how many people do you love like that?
better question, how many people know you love them like that?
if you're anything like me, probably not many because we are great at thinking people know what we really mean through our actions.
newsflash: most of the time, they don't.
we're too busy taking them for granted.
so here's one small step, a started for when i verbalize it at a later date if i haven't let you know already:
i love you emily, i love you britty, i love you tiffy, i love you stephen, i love you taylor, i love you jamie, i love you mom, i love you dad, i love you madi, i love you alex, i love you hero, i love you lamb, i love you frog, i love you lizzy, i love you jimmy, i love you christine, i love you amy, i love you eileen, i love you spencermonster, i love you dustin, i love you andrew, i love you luke, i love you paul, i love you beth, i love you daelan, i love you nathan, i love you rachel, i love you ally, i love you sarah, i love you ashely, i love you lindsey, i love you carmen, i love you steph, i love you jon, i love you erica, i love you andy1, i love you andy2, i love you kevin, i love you kyle, i love you kylie, i love you grandma, i love you pop pop, i love you grandma k, i love you grandpa k, i love you mike,dave,deb,marykay,terese,jim,marie,thad,tash,danielle,ian,matt,dave,jon,anna,nat,soph, i love you kathy, connie, dale, helene, greg, mary, ed, bill, andrea, jackie, timmy,michelle,tina,tony and all 150 of my cousins.
merry christmas :)
thats all for a while.
one day at a time
all is full of love.
let's be honest friends, my mind is a pretty hot mess most of the time. whose isn't. i didn't make this blog so people i love can read me whining. i made it to share my thoughts. to get them out. sometimes, i just don't have it together. sure, everything is still fluttering around in there, but you pray about it. you talk to your friends. you scream it out. you take baby steps. because most of the time, it's not what you think it is, nor is it as bad. everything is everything, what comes to pass is supposed to and what doesn't, doesn't. at the end of the day, you have those who love you, and sure, you go through some shit, some confusion, but those are meant to stay, will stay and make sure that they do. that's all there is to it.
its good to know that no matter what happens, no matter what is so bad or so confusing in a moment, i'll still be here and so will you. i know that as fact. i do not question it and i don't know why i ever would. some people in your life are just there to stay. staying should be enough, shouldn't it?
my bestie is the best there is. she made me a christmas video, she keeps me sane and calm when i need to be and still loves me without failure or question while still knowing pretty much everything about me, all the best parts of me and the very worst as well.
how many people do you love like that?
better question, how many people know you love them like that?
if you're anything like me, probably not many because we are great at thinking people know what we really mean through our actions.
newsflash: most of the time, they don't.
we're too busy taking them for granted.
so here's one small step, a started for when i verbalize it at a later date if i haven't let you know already:
i love you emily, i love you britty, i love you tiffy, i love you stephen, i love you taylor, i love you jamie, i love you mom, i love you dad, i love you madi, i love you alex, i love you hero, i love you lamb, i love you frog, i love you lizzy, i love you jimmy, i love you christine, i love you amy, i love you eileen, i love you spencermonster, i love you dustin, i love you andrew, i love you luke, i love you paul, i love you beth, i love you daelan, i love you nathan, i love you rachel, i love you ally, i love you sarah, i love you ashely, i love you lindsey, i love you carmen, i love you steph, i love you jon, i love you erica, i love you andy1, i love you andy2, i love you kevin, i love you kyle, i love you kylie, i love you grandma, i love you pop pop, i love you grandma k, i love you grandpa k, i love you mike,dave,deb,marykay,terese,jim,marie,thad,tash,danielle,ian,matt,dave,jon,anna,nat,soph, i love you kathy, connie, dale, helene, greg, mary, ed, bill, andrea, jackie, timmy,michelle,tina,tony and all 150 of my cousins.
merry christmas :)
thats all for a while.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
hello friends
i am currently snowed in in the beautiful town of upland until monday due to quite a bit of snow, a mothers nervousness, and silliness upon my part in a checking account.
this is, in a way, another one of those karma situations i've been experiencing over the past 48-72 hours considering i wanted nothing more to get out of here this time yesterday but this is good.
it's snowing. white fluffy sticky snow, building snow, snow ball fight snow.
school is over which takes away a lot of the stress.
this gives me more time with stephen whom i will miss to a point beyond explanation.
this gives me more time with tiff whose easy company i don't experience enough through the school time.
this gives me time to relax myself, to process the last week because Lord knows enough happened that needs thinking and sorting.
this gives me time to make mixes and write letters and make homemade notebooks and christmas cards and presents.
this gives me time to clean while listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas album that is so amazing.
COCOA. raspberry cocoa.
i'll probably watch Love Actually again and do something ridiculous.
this is good.
ps: little known fact: the pixies are probably still my favorite band, seriously. its probably because they're so weird.
i am currently snowed in in the beautiful town of upland until monday due to quite a bit of snow, a mothers nervousness, and silliness upon my part in a checking account.
this is, in a way, another one of those karma situations i've been experiencing over the past 48-72 hours considering i wanted nothing more to get out of here this time yesterday but this is good.
it's snowing. white fluffy sticky snow, building snow, snow ball fight snow.
school is over which takes away a lot of the stress.
this gives me more time with stephen whom i will miss to a point beyond explanation.
this gives me more time with tiff whose easy company i don't experience enough through the school time.
this gives me time to relax myself, to process the last week because Lord knows enough happened that needs thinking and sorting.
this gives me time to make mixes and write letters and make homemade notebooks and christmas cards and presents.
this gives me time to clean while listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas album that is so amazing.
COCOA. raspberry cocoa.
i'll probably watch Love Actually again and do something ridiculous.
this is good.
ps: little known fact: the pixies are probably still my favorite band, seriously. its probably because they're so weird.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
peace like a river
you know,
i'm getting the feeling that we all need an island dance party vacation.
this is the first time in many years that i'm kind of wishing for warmer weather at this time of year.
i wish i had pine trees in sand dunes salty breeze sunshine and a hammock.
but if i am going to be here for a bit (which i am), i at least wish there was some snow so that i could build a giant fort and tunnel system in one of those huge piles left by the bulldozers. or a sweet tree house, with heat. that would be cool.
i like that. burying myself in things. like snow or sand or leaves or dirt or blankets or people. it's weird, but i do. i think the feeling that comes with being completely covered and surrounded by those things appeals to me. the warmth found inside buried snow, crisp warm grains of sand, the smell of dirt and leaves, the comfortable calm safety and togetherness of people and blankets. thats what i need right now.
did you know that a person needs at least 6 meaningful touches a day from others?
thats what i need. someone who will just snuggle down with me while i do my homework and hang out and keep me calmed down and from academic panic. in my living room, with the fire on, with some hot tea and maybe some beef stew or shepherds pie or soup or something.
everything will be alright.
everything will work out, get done, get sorted and be still.
i am constantly struggling with giving myself peace, letting myself be peaceful and experiencing that incredible aspect of God that is peace. i am constantly conflicted and thinking and processing every little aspect of my life that i am easily overwhelmed and worn out by it. i am very stubborn you know. i am working at it, and some days are harder, a lot harder, than others but i've been allowing my rebellion and guilt to still and just let myself have peace sometimes.
what changes now is usually best for our futures and all is full of love.
always love because without it you are nothing and have nothing.
anyone who says otherwise is full of horseshit. road apples.
because everything changes and you'll know who and what is replaceable, isn't and won't ever be.
hold out for the ones you know will love you.
so let it be well, let it be still, allow yourself some peace.
merry christmas everyone. in less than a week i will stuffed with homemade christmas cookies. i love you.
i'm getting the feeling that we all need an island dance party vacation.
this is the first time in many years that i'm kind of wishing for warmer weather at this time of year.
i wish i had pine trees in sand dunes salty breeze sunshine and a hammock.
but if i am going to be here for a bit (which i am), i at least wish there was some snow so that i could build a giant fort and tunnel system in one of those huge piles left by the bulldozers. or a sweet tree house, with heat. that would be cool.
i like that. burying myself in things. like snow or sand or leaves or dirt or blankets or people. it's weird, but i do. i think the feeling that comes with being completely covered and surrounded by those things appeals to me. the warmth found inside buried snow, crisp warm grains of sand, the smell of dirt and leaves, the comfortable calm safety and togetherness of people and blankets. thats what i need right now.
did you know that a person needs at least 6 meaningful touches a day from others?
thats what i need. someone who will just snuggle down with me while i do my homework and hang out and keep me calmed down and from academic panic. in my living room, with the fire on, with some hot tea and maybe some beef stew or shepherds pie or soup or something.
everything will be alright.
everything will work out, get done, get sorted and be still.
i am constantly struggling with giving myself peace, letting myself be peaceful and experiencing that incredible aspect of God that is peace. i am constantly conflicted and thinking and processing every little aspect of my life that i am easily overwhelmed and worn out by it. i am very stubborn you know. i am working at it, and some days are harder, a lot harder, than others but i've been allowing my rebellion and guilt to still and just let myself have peace sometimes.
what changes now is usually best for our futures and all is full of love.
always love because without it you are nothing and have nothing.
anyone who says otherwise is full of horseshit. road apples.
because everything changes and you'll know who and what is replaceable, isn't and won't ever be.
hold out for the ones you know will love you.
so let it be well, let it be still, allow yourself some peace.
merry christmas everyone. in less than a week i will stuffed with homemade christmas cookies. i love you.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
OJ
i have the greatest friends in the whole world.
i'm sure most people, at some point in time, think this.
but i really do.
mine are the greatest.
yes, i know the greatest people in the whole world, everyone worth knowing and investing in.
i am just short 2 weeks out of graduating (hopefully, i don't see why not). it's going to take a lot of finesse (IE: i have so much chemistry homework to do), and i may be here in january just to get some more work done. point being, a year from now, i won't be here. i won't be seeing the people i love here in this place, i'll be seeing them elsewhere. i'm alright with that for the most part simply because i find it very gratifying that i have nothing keeping me anywhere. i am tied to nothing, i have nothing pulling me in one direction or the other really. no job to stick around for, no classes to finish, no boyfriend to DTR over everything, just me and my closest, dearest friends i will keep.
that's kind of awesome.
man i love orange juice.
i'm sure most people, at some point in time, think this.
but i really do.
mine are the greatest.
yes, i know the greatest people in the whole world, everyone worth knowing and investing in.
i am just short 2 weeks out of graduating (hopefully, i don't see why not). it's going to take a lot of finesse (IE: i have so much chemistry homework to do), and i may be here in january just to get some more work done. point being, a year from now, i won't be here. i won't be seeing the people i love here in this place, i'll be seeing them elsewhere. i'm alright with that for the most part simply because i find it very gratifying that i have nothing keeping me anywhere. i am tied to nothing, i have nothing pulling me in one direction or the other really. no job to stick around for, no classes to finish, no boyfriend to DTR over everything, just me and my closest, dearest friends i will keep.
that's kind of awesome.
man i love orange juice.
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