subcategory: my family
all families have their shit and no family is perfect, there will always be issues between parents and their children, parents between each other, with extended family, with differing views, with the world - not to diminish or lessen anyone's specific experience, but just in saying. my family certainly has its shit as well, but i am so incredibly thankful for my family.
all of it. all 150 on one side and all 40 on the other - i love all of them. and why? because of our capacity for absorption. i know how very blessed i am to have the family that i do but the very greatest and most wonderful thing about them is that anyone can come in and be a part of it. every one of my friends who are hurting, who are scared, angry, dejected, unconfident and alone in their own families, i want so desperately to bring them home with me just so they can be absorbed, so they can be as fully and equally blessed as i am - because that is by far the most beautiful thing about it, the fullness and equality in that absorption and that taking in contributed by everyone, not only by my own small family, but by my extended family as well. there are so many of us, with so much shit, differences, disagreements, idiosyncrasies and experience that the best thing we know how to do is support and love each other and others and we will take any excuse we can get to get together with one another, we seriously have a gathering for EVERYTHING, which is AMAZING. i can honestly say that i would lay down my life for most of my family - mom, dad, especially brother and sister, grandparents, my godmother. i would do anything to help make these people better and happy and they would do the same for me without question.
plus, i don't mean to brag but we're all pretty much fucking awesome. i'm not just saying that, it's totally true (this coming from the least awesome member). with most families, i am sad to say, you can't all lay around in a huge pile trying to think up every possible synonym for the word poop.
subcategory: the manfriends
there is something certainly to be said about the kind of guys i am typically surrounded by at school, but i am glad to say that lately i have been in the company of some truly awesome men. granted, some of them are no longer here anymore and it's sad that a little time and distance has actually made me think about that but that aside, i am still glad to call them my friends. there is one in particular who made me think about and realize this and because of that i miss his company immensely, which in turn got me thinking of other men who are similar in their behavior, maturity, demeanor, respect, their ability to reciprocate and confidence in themselves. they are men who truly respect women, not in that 'i need to be a gentlemen' way, but in a truly respectful, meaningful, equal and invaluable way due to that maturity, self awareness, sensitivity and intelligence. they are great to talk to, hang out with, listen to and again, whether it be a coworker or friend or classmate, mandatory house boyfriend etc. there is something to be said about that because A: it's sadly highly critisized to be a true man like that and B: it's rare, most 'men' are actually still guys or boys.
so here's to my manfriends: thank you for being so solid, awesome examples/hope for the future of your sex, respectful and willing. thank you for watching project runway with us, making us food, bringing us our favorite beer, leaving us notes in our drawers and surprises in our lockers, asking us questions, opening up to us about your feelings and your lives, supporting and understanding where we are in our lives, telling us how much you love your girlfriend, telling us how you see us, actually have the balls to tell us how you care about us (in whatever way), not taking us for granted, bringing us vicks kleenex, nyquil and cigarettes, encouraging us, taking out our trash even though you know we can do it (just because you can), drinking with us, writing to us, listening to us and letting us listen to you, making us laugh, fixing shit and letting us fix shit, not being afraid to hug us, crying in front of us, being men.
now if you will excuse me, i have to go watch Return of the Jedi.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
i am ill equipped to handle this all the time.
i can't even control, facilitate, organize, fix or mediate my own life.
i have to talk to myself constantly just to make sure i keep walking around and do what i need to be doing.
and that's just in everyday tasks.
i wish i had a safe place. with safe people. people to just let ME be for a little bit.
instead of letting me be for 5 minutes.
instead of asking me what to do when they know what to do.
instead of taking me for granted.
instead of not knowing me well enough by now to know what i need.
instead of not reciprocating or reciprocating out of shallowness.
instead of not wanting to put up with it.
do you think i want to put up with it?
but i do. out of love.
but the fucking peacemaker needs some fucking peace
and no one i know here can give me any peace
let alone know that it's what i need.
i need a bed with a huge ass comforter. a clean one, with white sheets in white room. with every book i've ever wanted to read on the bedside table, with a breeze coming through the window. i need my dog who loves me unconditionally without asking me about school money boys or what i'm going to do with my life. i need an americano made by someone i love and some scrambled fucking eggs with bacon on a cream cheesed bagel. i need a car full of gas and a record store and book store and an antique store and nice fucking guy to just walk around with that doesn't make me feel like a fucking idiot who can actually talk to me on some normal respectful uncomplicated plane as a woman and not just some girl.
too much to ask huh?
i can't even control, facilitate, organize, fix or mediate my own life.
i have to talk to myself constantly just to make sure i keep walking around and do what i need to be doing.
and that's just in everyday tasks.
i wish i had a safe place. with safe people. people to just let ME be for a little bit.
instead of letting me be for 5 minutes.
instead of asking me what to do when they know what to do.
instead of taking me for granted.
instead of not knowing me well enough by now to know what i need.
instead of not reciprocating or reciprocating out of shallowness.
instead of not wanting to put up with it.
do you think i want to put up with it?
but i do. out of love.
but the fucking peacemaker needs some fucking peace
and no one i know here can give me any peace
let alone know that it's what i need.
i need a bed with a huge ass comforter. a clean one, with white sheets in white room. with every book i've ever wanted to read on the bedside table, with a breeze coming through the window. i need my dog who loves me unconditionally without asking me about school money boys or what i'm going to do with my life. i need an americano made by someone i love and some scrambled fucking eggs with bacon on a cream cheesed bagel. i need a car full of gas and a record store and book store and an antique store and nice fucking guy to just walk around with that doesn't make me feel like a fucking idiot who can actually talk to me on some normal respectful uncomplicated plane as a woman and not just some girl.
too much to ask huh?
Sunday, November 8, 2009
blessings
part one:
subcategory: my girlfriends
when i was a sophomore here, basically one of the worst years and the best years i've ever experienced, i was going to transfer to art school, where i would have no doubt, in the best terminology, either would have become an extreme fuck up or a huge hermit basket case with dogs (the latter might still happen...) anyway, i stuck around because even though that was the worst year in my college career, it was also the year that i learned the most from and a lot of that learning stemmed from the solid friendships that i developed with a lot of awesome women here. i mention this year because i know that through those friendships, i became much more confident in myself but also it taught me and allowed me to build really solid friendships after the fact. i know so many great women who go to school here, who live here etc. not only am i blessed with beautiful strong smart housemates, but i am blessed to say that every woman that i have thus since formed friendships have been really solid, whether they be my housemates, my friends, my art peers, my coworkers or a combination - every one of my closest girlfriends are all strong, confident, talented, intelligent, beautiful, hilarious, mature, compassionate, supportive, respectful, open-minded, healing women. they are not girls, they are women. and i don't mean to get bitchy or even generalize, but most guys here don't even know what that is or how to handle it, it's not seen as confidence or experience or wisdom or depth of character, its seen as baggage or craziness. any guy here would be lucky to have any of these women as a friend or even an acquaintance, it's just a sad fact that pretty much most guys here are still boys who want girls, who want them a certain way, to look a certain way, to have a certain thing about them, etc. some fucked up standard because they don't know what a woman is and how blessed they would be to have one like any of my girlfriends. we are just so blessed (though frustrating) to be at a point where we know that we are women, not girls. girls go to boys with expectations and boys meet them there with equal expectations without any of the moving. women meet men half way because both are willing to.
my girlfriends, they know who they are, they know what they've been through and they have faced it and allowed it to contribute to their growth and their person and have built such a solid character and confidence with it and i am honored and blessed to have such confidants.
coming soon, part two
subcategory: my girlfriends
when i was a sophomore here, basically one of the worst years and the best years i've ever experienced, i was going to transfer to art school, where i would have no doubt, in the best terminology, either would have become an extreme fuck up or a huge hermit basket case with dogs (the latter might still happen...) anyway, i stuck around because even though that was the worst year in my college career, it was also the year that i learned the most from and a lot of that learning stemmed from the solid friendships that i developed with a lot of awesome women here. i mention this year because i know that through those friendships, i became much more confident in myself but also it taught me and allowed me to build really solid friendships after the fact. i know so many great women who go to school here, who live here etc. not only am i blessed with beautiful strong smart housemates, but i am blessed to say that every woman that i have thus since formed friendships have been really solid, whether they be my housemates, my friends, my art peers, my coworkers or a combination - every one of my closest girlfriends are all strong, confident, talented, intelligent, beautiful, hilarious, mature, compassionate, supportive, respectful, open-minded, healing women. they are not girls, they are women. and i don't mean to get bitchy or even generalize, but most guys here don't even know what that is or how to handle it, it's not seen as confidence or experience or wisdom or depth of character, its seen as baggage or craziness. any guy here would be lucky to have any of these women as a friend or even an acquaintance, it's just a sad fact that pretty much most guys here are still boys who want girls, who want them a certain way, to look a certain way, to have a certain thing about them, etc. some fucked up standard because they don't know what a woman is and how blessed they would be to have one like any of my girlfriends. we are just so blessed (though frustrating) to be at a point where we know that we are women, not girls. girls go to boys with expectations and boys meet them there with equal expectations without any of the moving. women meet men half way because both are willing to.
my girlfriends, they know who they are, they know what they've been through and they have faced it and allowed it to contribute to their growth and their person and have built such a solid character and confidence with it and i am honored and blessed to have such confidants.
coming soon, part two
Monday, October 5, 2009
brothers
my brother is finally coming to visit me this weekend.
he is 18 months younger than myself and i miss him tremendously every day.
can i just share how incredibly happy and excited that makes me?
he is 18 months younger than myself and i miss him tremendously every day.
can i just share how incredibly happy and excited that makes me?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
wowzerz
i have grown up a lot.
i was thinking about even just where i was a year ago, two years ago, and typically, how much has happened since then and i realized that i have grown a lot as a person.
i have become more comfortable in my own skin to the point where i might just be content staying in it for a bit longer.
many little things have happened which usually become bigger things as time progresses. those little things become more important and the important things become minimal and in between there's this point of contentment, however brief.
i am thankful for that.
life is about learning and to learn, you have to experience and there are so many different ways to experience things because each person is different: it's not black and white, all or nothing. you don't need to go full force to experience something or to have one. you put yourself out there or you don't, just be aware of your thoughts and your actions and their benefits. i haven't really had many of what one would call 'an experience', but i process everything that happens to me, from waking up to eating to speaking to creating to loving to sleeping - i am aware that i process. i process the hell out of everything.
and that works for me.
i have grown and i have changed and it doesn't matter if any one else knows or notices because i know, i notice and its been working out well. i used to be a much more complicated person. complicated as in unconfident, overanalyzing and critical, i would make things hard for myself sometimes, consciously or not.
i still do some of those things, i'm still critical and i overthink a lot, but i'm simpler.
i'm working on becoming basic.
basic, forward ad guilt free.
i never thought i'd be here.
i have grown up a lot.
i was thinking about even just where i was a year ago, two years ago, and typically, how much has happened since then and i realized that i have grown a lot as a person.
i have become more comfortable in my own skin to the point where i might just be content staying in it for a bit longer.
many little things have happened which usually become bigger things as time progresses. those little things become more important and the important things become minimal and in between there's this point of contentment, however brief.
i am thankful for that.
life is about learning and to learn, you have to experience and there are so many different ways to experience things because each person is different: it's not black and white, all or nothing. you don't need to go full force to experience something or to have one. you put yourself out there or you don't, just be aware of your thoughts and your actions and their benefits. i haven't really had many of what one would call 'an experience', but i process everything that happens to me, from waking up to eating to speaking to creating to loving to sleeping - i am aware that i process. i process the hell out of everything.
and that works for me.
i have grown and i have changed and it doesn't matter if any one else knows or notices because i know, i notice and its been working out well. i used to be a much more complicated person. complicated as in unconfident, overanalyzing and critical, i would make things hard for myself sometimes, consciously or not.
i still do some of those things, i'm still critical and i overthink a lot, but i'm simpler.
i'm working on becoming basic.
basic, forward ad guilt free.
i never thought i'd be here.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
i've heard a lot of people complaining lately "yeah, it's been so cool it's like summer wasn't even here..." whine whine whine
i'm loving this weather personally, the quicker it gets cooler the happier i tend to become.
it's a time for breaking out the tegan and sara along with my dad's flannel shirt and driving around with my bestie.
i am back in the studio, which always makes me happy and i am reminded of the certainty i feel when i'm in that room. i am not certain of very much, i am not supposed to be, nor do i expect it, but it brings me great comfort and a lot of joy working prints and i am certain of its place in my existence and where it will take me.
autumn in upon us soon and autumn for me tends to be bittersweet in many ways. i have my best times and my worst times in the fall it seems and it's been that way since my freshmen year here - some of it probably has to do with this place but i know a lot of it is the fact that a lot of my harder experiences have occurred in the months of autumn. i have physically lost people that i love, i have grown distant in every other way to others, the non communication of summer just carrying over sometimes, and i have a tendency to grow lost and distant with myself a little bit and my mind tends to go to dark places. this is a part of me all throughout the year but it is most apparent and menacing come autumn. i am aware of this and in years past i have just prepared myself for it knowing it will come full on.
But, this summer, knowing this would be coming, i started really thinking about where these dark places were rooted and what causes them to grow - in a way, what do i do to encourage their fruition and what am i not doing to keep them from it? Granted, ones feelings are natural and never wrong (as the wise woman says) and i know that they are valid and explicable, but basically, i realized (as cliche as it is) that when my mind and heart goes to these places, the depression, the deprecation, the confusion, nervousness, lostness, uncertainty, restlessness and dissatisfaction that seems to blanket my life, i am clearly loving something (any aspect of that) more than i love God. and it's not an issue of loving really, but more of a familiarity with a dark cycle that gives me some sort of control. that's what it comes down to, control.
and thats what i've been thinking about. control. i have a really hard time with control and by control i mean Grace. that's all i have been thinking about these past few months: Grace. what Grace actually means, which is complete, unconditional surrender of control over to God's Providence. when it comes to Providence and Grace, i am the rebellious pistol of a child with everything in them fighting the ones they love just out of unfamiliarity, fear, guilt, vulnerability and hence rebellion. Rebellion grows out of that fear to trust, because when that control or lack of trust is in YOUR hands, at least the outcome is somewhat known or expected.
the best and easiest personal example of this is simply getting back to campus, seeing all the couples frolic around and feeling bitter and depressed because i can't even get a guy i see everyday to look me in the eye, let alone speak to me. this bitterness adds to all of this, and all of this feeds on it - what's wrong with ME? am i completely disgusting or unapproachable? how is the acceptance of grace handle this? i'm loving that bitterness and trusting in it more than i trust God, i would rather be bitter and angry and hateful and hurtful towards myself and my loneliness than come to the full realization that i will always be lonely until i live out the fact that i will never be able to love anyone or be with anyone properly and in the way i want until i know that i love and want to be with God that way, and that God loves and wants to be with me and that i love myself that way. that is just the basic human truth of the matter.
does that make sense? some of you might be thinking 'oh shit, she's gone to the dark side with the Captivating bullshit', but that's not what i mean and this is just one of the more visual examples of what i'm trying to explain. and i know it's the truth, i know i will never be happy with anything until i learn to fully abandon self and accept this Grace and trust in this Providence in all aspects of my life. which is fucking hard for anyone, myself included since there are maybe only 5 people in the whole world who actually know me through and through. it is my first instinct, always, always, always, to be someone other than myself with someone that i meet or even hang out with and it is a very rare rare RARE instance when i feel comfortable enough with someone who hardly knows me to be my person - and you know it if you've seen it. it usually takes years. this included God.
so i am embarking on this fall with that in my mind, i need to keep it in mind and work towards it all year. it will be difficult giving that up, but i need to and thankfully and blessedly, i live with 3 beautiful wonderful girls who know me the best, who support this and support and love me unconditionally even after knowing all of this. i will have my bad days, days akin to last fall and previous experiences and they will suck and there will be people who won't understand and position away from me - change and growth tend to do that in ones life, growing in love and self awareness. due to some complications from last semester, i am going to do another show and not one through the school, which is excellent, a series of woodcuts dealing with these states of rebelliousness and acceptance involved in Grace. i have to find my own venue, make my own frames, put on my own show, probably somewhere in muncie and i am very excited to do that again, as stressful as it was. some of you didn't really know me last january, but it was the best and the most stressful month of my life - like being physically dead but mentally, emotionally and metaphysically alive.
i am oddly looking forward to that.
i'm loving this weather personally, the quicker it gets cooler the happier i tend to become.
it's a time for breaking out the tegan and sara along with my dad's flannel shirt and driving around with my bestie.
i am back in the studio, which always makes me happy and i am reminded of the certainty i feel when i'm in that room. i am not certain of very much, i am not supposed to be, nor do i expect it, but it brings me great comfort and a lot of joy working prints and i am certain of its place in my existence and where it will take me.
autumn in upon us soon and autumn for me tends to be bittersweet in many ways. i have my best times and my worst times in the fall it seems and it's been that way since my freshmen year here - some of it probably has to do with this place but i know a lot of it is the fact that a lot of my harder experiences have occurred in the months of autumn. i have physically lost people that i love, i have grown distant in every other way to others, the non communication of summer just carrying over sometimes, and i have a tendency to grow lost and distant with myself a little bit and my mind tends to go to dark places. this is a part of me all throughout the year but it is most apparent and menacing come autumn. i am aware of this and in years past i have just prepared myself for it knowing it will come full on.
But, this summer, knowing this would be coming, i started really thinking about where these dark places were rooted and what causes them to grow - in a way, what do i do to encourage their fruition and what am i not doing to keep them from it? Granted, ones feelings are natural and never wrong (as the wise woman says) and i know that they are valid and explicable, but basically, i realized (as cliche as it is) that when my mind and heart goes to these places, the depression, the deprecation, the confusion, nervousness, lostness, uncertainty, restlessness and dissatisfaction that seems to blanket my life, i am clearly loving something (any aspect of that) more than i love God. and it's not an issue of loving really, but more of a familiarity with a dark cycle that gives me some sort of control. that's what it comes down to, control.
and thats what i've been thinking about. control. i have a really hard time with control and by control i mean Grace. that's all i have been thinking about these past few months: Grace. what Grace actually means, which is complete, unconditional surrender of control over to God's Providence. when it comes to Providence and Grace, i am the rebellious pistol of a child with everything in them fighting the ones they love just out of unfamiliarity, fear, guilt, vulnerability and hence rebellion. Rebellion grows out of that fear to trust, because when that control or lack of trust is in YOUR hands, at least the outcome is somewhat known or expected.
the best and easiest personal example of this is simply getting back to campus, seeing all the couples frolic around and feeling bitter and depressed because i can't even get a guy i see everyday to look me in the eye, let alone speak to me. this bitterness adds to all of this, and all of this feeds on it - what's wrong with ME? am i completely disgusting or unapproachable? how is the acceptance of grace handle this? i'm loving that bitterness and trusting in it more than i trust God, i would rather be bitter and angry and hateful and hurtful towards myself and my loneliness than come to the full realization that i will always be lonely until i live out the fact that i will never be able to love anyone or be with anyone properly and in the way i want until i know that i love and want to be with God that way, and that God loves and wants to be with me and that i love myself that way. that is just the basic human truth of the matter.
does that make sense? some of you might be thinking 'oh shit, she's gone to the dark side with the Captivating bullshit', but that's not what i mean and this is just one of the more visual examples of what i'm trying to explain. and i know it's the truth, i know i will never be happy with anything until i learn to fully abandon self and accept this Grace and trust in this Providence in all aspects of my life. which is fucking hard for anyone, myself included since there are maybe only 5 people in the whole world who actually know me through and through. it is my first instinct, always, always, always, to be someone other than myself with someone that i meet or even hang out with and it is a very rare rare RARE instance when i feel comfortable enough with someone who hardly knows me to be my person - and you know it if you've seen it. it usually takes years. this included God.
so i am embarking on this fall with that in my mind, i need to keep it in mind and work towards it all year. it will be difficult giving that up, but i need to and thankfully and blessedly, i live with 3 beautiful wonderful girls who know me the best, who support this and support and love me unconditionally even after knowing all of this. i will have my bad days, days akin to last fall and previous experiences and they will suck and there will be people who won't understand and position away from me - change and growth tend to do that in ones life, growing in love and self awareness. due to some complications from last semester, i am going to do another show and not one through the school, which is excellent, a series of woodcuts dealing with these states of rebelliousness and acceptance involved in Grace. i have to find my own venue, make my own frames, put on my own show, probably somewhere in muncie and i am very excited to do that again, as stressful as it was. some of you didn't really know me last january, but it was the best and the most stressful month of my life - like being physically dead but mentally, emotionally and metaphysically alive.
i am oddly looking forward to that.
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