and our hearts are growing strong

ALL NIGHT PRINT BINGE.
HALLELUJAH.
the best binge there is.


i was feeling nostalgic and decided to print all night long.
in short, feeling sentimental for the sort of days and nights when i had a huge project due and would have to work all night with a nice mix of stress and excitement. and yes i have to work tomorrow.
why would i do that to myself?
don't know. i can do lots of things.

anyway, here it goes, about 6 hours in already. its just me and music and this space and the ink and paper and screen, tea and some snackies. its wonderful to do this again. strangely, i find myself in a special state of mind that i only encounter in this kind of situation. i am so clearly concentrating on one thing, even one repeated series of motion but my mind is still free to wander and think and process things and i haven't done that in so long like this. its not only therapeutic but cleansing in a way too, it always makes me think of all aspects of my life in the working mindset, the getting shit done and cutting things out mindset, the editing mindset. the do what you need to do, get rid of what you need to get rid of, get away with what you can get away with and cut out or redo what needs cutting and re-doing. put all aspects of my life under the print microscope, not just the prints - usually i end of thinking 'my God, grow up, get over it, fucking do it and move on.'
i love it.

plus,
I HAVE AN EIGHT HOUR LONG PLAYLIST.
= SWEET.

walk before you crawl.

stray

let us talk seriously. as adults. i'm an adult now.

when you got married, you were a hair older than i am now. maybe you were even younger. maybe you even had your first or first two children already. you came from a family of 4, or 6, or 12, or 3 or 8. you were a waitress, a bartender, a cook, a secretary. you went to college part time, you didn't go at all, you went on your own dime eating nothing but tuna and eggs by day and devouring the books by night. you moved out, you kept your job, you got a job with your high school diploma - you made money by day, went out at night, had friends, had fun, had options, had kids.
they were necessities. they were the 'next step'. the 'why not?'.
but what did you want?
did you want to go anywhere?
do anything else?
instead of realizing later, after the kids, after the spouse, after the house and the job and the dog and the cats and the mortgage and the loans at 47, 33, 27, 22, 49...and on.

listen: we're under too much pressure already. we give it to ourselves, it comes at us from all sides, from everything. we're going to be poorer, worked harder, less satisfied, more depressed, more dependent. at least let us try to love people properly - without pressure, without confusion, without feeling like we've had to give something up or give up someone special just for leading and following and making our lives what we hope they can be. let us love people not because its what we 'should' be doing, or where a relationship 'should' be going - maybe thats the one up we have on you here.
because everything is work. it will always be work.
a relationship is work, that is something i have learned from you, hard work you learned along the way blindfolded.
and my work needs to be prints, people, words, music, sunlight and faith. and getting to a beach or a farm somewhere.


i know you'll say to me 'gabrielle, you make it sound like its do or die.'
its not that complex? its just black and white? it works or it doesn't? just go with it? you just want me to be happy? its easy?
is it though? as someone who tends to lose herself in other people, i don't want to give myself up that easily, quickly. because thats what it is - willingness and trust. and you made me a stubborn rebelling rooted woman.
i'm sorry, you didn't make me a risk taker. i don't feel like risking another persons happiness, another persons dreams. i don't feel like risking mine when i know anything started or finished with any person, would only end in hurt and regret in my lack to attach or detach. it has always been that way for me. it will always be that way.
i'm sorry. but albeit a killer soundtrack, my life is not a john hughes movie. not right now, maybe not ever.
its my life. and i want to figure out whats mine before even telling another person my name.

don't worry about it anymore.
and don't let it get you down.
because at the end of the day you're still walking your own made for you path right? and if you know yourself and you know God, then you may have at least a slight idea of what that path is. what is mine will stay mine, what is yours will stay yours, what is ours will stay ours - what more do we need? its not up to us! keep what's yours for a little while. that includes the love you have already**. know it and own it before trying to work it out with another human being.




**that, along with many others, can come in the form of the 13 different kind of BOMB christmas cookies your mother makes while snuggling up with your sibz on the couch.

that was amazing.

this was truly awesome and i am truly blessed.

mayday! mayday!

H'OK

pact with future self:

you WILL have a print shop.
it WILL be somewhere else other than the cleve.
you WILL NOT always work for satanbux.
and if all else fails, you will buy a food truck so you can at least cook all day while traveling the country at the same time.

with your dog.


to all my relatives who THINK i NEED a boyfriend:
i am a LONER.
i've always been a loner.
like a puffin.
like my dad.
mind the cheese: c'est la vie.
i don't have one because i don't want one.
i want REAL.
i don't want settling and unhappiness and wanting like you.
i don't want to fill out some 'online' profile just so i can meet some fuckface and go through months to years of denial when i figure out what a shitbag he is.
just so i can pop out some 'catholic' kids and search for meaning.
and if i don't find what i NEED?
oh well, too fucking bad.
sorry to disappoint you.
but i'll just be this way forever.
fuck your pressure.
fuck you for thinking i'm desperate for 'love'.
i love you, but fuck you.
i have love. i've got bushels.
THANK YOU FAMILY PARTIES FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO SOOOO GREAT.


one of these days, i'm just going to get the fuck out of here with my car, a carton of smokes, tunes to last me a lifetime, a new puppy and my fucking mayday emergency backpack (thanks mom, in case of the apocalypse) and get the fuck out of here. use my flares to light a fire, my seed bank to grow some foodz and blow this popsicle stand.

aaahhhh monday

oohhh my gosh i love it when alex is home to show my useless funny things on stolen internets.


also, living away from home again is rad. i can eat portobello mushroom burgers and drink strawberry orange banana juice whenever i want! not to mention, i am literally 5 minutes away from my job. ughhuhuhuhuhuhhhhhhhh

but you and me, we're just crazy

F A L L : 2 o 1 o
i just have to spread the following amazing recap of what my life is to become in the following months. some of you might laugh to yourselves and say 'oh you dork', or you'll just be patting yourself on the back because you were RIGHT and its FREAKY - i'm talking to you sir! thats right! shout out!

so, as most of you know, i intern at this killer studio, the only real one in cleveland basically = i'm super blessed.

THIS FALL, I AM:
- coordinating and curating an entire art show consisting of work made by interns from my shop and 2 other major art organizations in Cleveland. i will have work in it, i will pick out the pieces, i will install and hang it. le yikes and le awesome at the same time and 75% of me is kind of terrified but in the most amazing way.
- starting in october, every sunday i'll be teaching a class on intalgio, which is just a really fancy pants way of saying etchings. people are paying to take this class = whoa.
- i have been given the IMMENSE HONOR of designing and printing my friend luke's wedding invitations. at least 200. we're not sure on a number yet. helllooooo letterpress, so good to see you again.
- CIA litho collection help and collaboration, with barter system litho studio time. time to build up these stone grinding guns again and to be totally cheesy i cannot wait to feel the burn. eh heh heh heh.
- one of my drive-thru regulars at starbucks makes mixed media art as a hobby. after recently discovering that i intend to be a printmaker, has commisioned me to do screen prints of his work on t shirts. quite a few of them.
- plus various never-ending and exciting shows and events like holiday parties and artoberfest and germans coming and all kinds of wonderful happening at the studio.


you know, when i was at the cape i finally had some time to just sit down and think. i read a heck of a lot of books and i thought a lot because summer isn't really a good time for me. no news there. and although i came away from that time still feeling like i had a million things to say and a million things to sort out and a million things to apologize for i realized: all in good time. i find myself wanting to go back to things a lot, i'm a ' can't things just be this way again ' kind of girl, or ' can't we go back to being like that ' kind of girl. it totally sucks, must be all that romance and dreamer stuff i plug into my ears and mind all the time, but i don't mind. it's just who i am.
i felt nostalgic for school today, moving into a house and living with my friends and being with them. having dance parties and cheesy movie marathons and stopping everything busy for an hour just to watch our favorite shows and snake bites in the wee hours of the early morning and cooking meals together. i miss that, but its not like i'll never have it again. it's just a time to make things happen right now. i don't want to go to grad school, i want to get roughed up a little bit. i want to move somewhere and be a little wild woman without having to worry about school being the only option i have. i've been nuts my whole life, i have no intentions of settling that. there are always options, shit economy or not.

no one is leaving, at the end of the day, we'll still talk like we always have and do. we'll still be ourselves, we'll still be us, we'll still have whats ours, yours and mine. we'll still have you're thing and my thing and coming together to do our thing because if there's any time in our lives where we really know whats real to us, i really think that its this time. you know what is and you know what isn't and you know what matters. thats all there is to it, hell or high water. after this, things can so easily become routine and doubtful and bland if you're not careful. so, go with your gut. know and be confident in what and who matters to you, make it happen and push and pray - apparently on average we only use about 30% of our brain capacity and we're all so passive aggressive about our untapped potential. to hell with what other people think, to hell with what matters to them, to hell with who or what you might upset or not effect at all. now is a time to do shit for ourselves, so in short, don't cop out.

i'm going to really try hard to follow my own advice in this matter. after this fall, depending on what may come and what connections are made, i want to be back up in cape cod by march. fall at the very latest, bottom line. i've looked up everything from gallery positions, to screen printing factory jobs to cranberry harvesting - no joke - to waitressing to cooking to whatever. i'm not settling for anything less. i'm going to start out making small woodcuts and screen prints on a table press in a small apartment or room but i'm going to do it. i will get those pieces into galleries, next to all the ridiculous amounts of painting and pottery. that is what i'm going to do and i know it because if there's one thing i'm damn fine at its pushing so instead of waiting for someone to push me, i'm going to push me. sprinkled at sea.

thats all for a while. the only thing i want anyone looking at after this is my art work blog because thats all i want to worry about. it's fall, its been nice and slightly chilly here the past few nights that i have to wear my flannel to bed. i'm going to sit on my porch with best coast and an american spirit.

passenger seats

in about 72 hours, i will be leaving for the ocean.

i need this break. i need it badly.
in a way, i've been holing myself up a lot lately, mostly running on empty automatic and whenever i get a spare second to even think about anything, it has no outlet. it just sits and i don't have the words for any of you, if it even matters. i don't have the words to explain to myself or any of you any of the other things that are happening outside of you.
lately, i keep waking up with this sick feeling in my body, choking back this sick immense feeling of 'you ruined something', 'you wanted this', 'you did this', 'you should not have done that, you should have done this', 'its gone', '
'of course you fucked this up again.'

necessity is the only word i have. one day, i'll have more.
until then, sound does a decent job.



one day i'll have my own shop to print in, for other people to print in.
one day, i'll have a restaurant.
one day i'll talk and you'll listen.
one day you'll talk and i'll listen.
one day we'll speak.
one day i'll get in my car.
one day i'll go.
one day i'll step into the water and not want to take the deepest breath i can.
one day i won't feel the need to go.
one day these bones won't be so tired.
one day these bones won't matter.
one day my soul will feel young again.
one day all i will see will be land and sky.
one day we won't need to make excuses.
one day we won't need to feel guilty.
one day the funks will be a little easier.
one day life will be a little sweeter.
soon.



i'm awesome at post cards. message me your address if you want one.

oh
tell me.

what am i going to do with you?

a dream:

i was at the swimming hole, on the bank of slabs of rocks and silt and dirt. water was pouring over each tier of rock, by the gallon, rushing over as opposed to its slower, gentler, safe speed and trickle. the water was deafening and i could hear no other sounds, just foaming water pouring over. the water was dirty, light brown and foaming with small pebbles and silt and dust it had gathered along the way, what had been washed into it. instead of meeting at the hole in a gentle whirlpool, the streams of water kept over lapping, colliding with each other to diverge their own paths, forming lines of swirling water and foam. it was dusk because the trees around had started making silhouettes against the sun. there were no animals, no birds, no sound, no people. i stood on the bank and smelled the water, the air it made. i wanted to go in but i knew it was dangerous, i knew i might slip, but i couldn't avoid going in. i wanted to and i knew that i needed to. i stepped in and felt the waters force hitting my legs and pushing them and they started to shake. i walked through, into and past the streams fighting for directions before i got the the middle, where i leaned against one of the ledges and let water pour over me too. i let my clothes stick to me, i lost my shoes, but none of it was heavy. my jeans weren't weighted down with water, my t shirt was wet but hung on my body like it was dry. i dropped down into the swimming hole and into the strong whirlpool it was making. i submerged myself and held my breath while i opened my eyes. i looked above me at the surface, watched the separate streams come together over my head. when i was a kid swimming in my aunts pool, i would sit under the pump that would jet water into the pool, to see the separate streams making otherwise invisible movement - it reminded me of that. i was underwater forever, i just stayed there floating and looking at the surface while bubbles of air escaped. air was leaving my body, but it wasn't hurting me, it didn't feel like i was dying or drowning but i wasn't breathing. i stayed down there until the sun rose, and with the new light on the surface, i knew that the scene above me had changed. the streams of water had become gentler, there was no foam and i saw the face of my mother along the edge of the surface, looking in at me like she used to when i would submerge myself in the bathtub. she smiled and walked away. i stayed down the for a while longer, my head was now trying to figure out what was going on and where i was. the light changed on the surface again and the water became clearer, it became still. all of the sudden my body shuddered and that signal inside my brain went off telling me to rise, you need air, like when you try to stay underwater for as long as you can with your cousins or siblings and something inside your brain and body just says 'ok thats enough'. i pushed myself up to the surface, grasping water - the depth had changed and i was farther from the surface now. when i got there i rose slowly and felt sunlight stealing into my eyes and onto my face. i had changed. my skin was pale, the color it is on the inside of my arms, all over. my hair was long again, even longer that it was before and i felt lighter, not necessarily skinnier but lighter. i looked down and i wasn't wearing my clothes anymore, i was just wrapped in layers and layers of un-starched cheesecloth that i use for lithography, its almost like gauze. for some reason, i was able to stand up and the water now only came up to a little above my knees. i looked down and under the cheesecloth i saw red marks and lines, scars across my stomach, my heart and in between my lungs. i unwrapped the layers to look at them, to see what had gotten to them. i looked down and the lines cut into them were sewn up and healing. there was no thread, they weren't bleeding but they were red and irritated from healing and i knew that they were gone. i looked down at my heart and thought 'well, yes i am an organ donor on my license but who would want this? not to mention, i smoke too much.' i looked down at my lungs and knew they were still there because i was breathing and i though 'what would they want with the howl, all the shit that sits in there?' i wrapped myself back up and looked around. it was a little chilly but only because i could smell it in the air, i couldn't feel it, but the sun had that look about it and the stillness was similar to a fall morning. i realized i was in a lake of some kind, or a very large and very still river because on my left or right sides, i could clearly see banks, but north and south of me had no ends. all around the banks were trees, but only pine trees. not big ones like redwoods, but smaller ones like spruces or firs, like you ones you look for in christmas tree shopping. the banks looked like they were covered in moss but as i made my way towards the one on my right, i saw that it was all pine needles, but not spruce or fir needles, they were long and thin. it was a beach of pine needles. i stepped out of the water and onto the beach. they were soft and layered under my feet, all still green, none of them were dry or brittle or pointy. i felt them sticking to my feet and to my arms, hands and legs as i sat down. i sat in the sun and could hear nothing, there was nothing. i sat for a while in the sun, but i didn't seem to dry off at all except for my hair. it dried and became a little shorter, wavy like its supposed to be. i looked to my left and saw emily coming down the pine needle beach. she was wrapped in cheesecloth and her hair had dried too. she came up to me and sat with me, we didn't say anything but she was smiling at me and she started to cry. she saw that i had some irritated scars and put her arm around me, she was still crying but she was smiling. we sat there for a while indian style, looking at the lake/river until the sun started to go down. it was dusk again and i knew we had somewhere to go. we got up, smiling and taking one last look at the lake/river before walking into the woods.


i don't remember my dreams very much.
i woke up after this, last night and it was thunder storming badly, but the air and the rain smelled nice.

i'm very blessed you know.
actually, its borderline spoiled and i know it. forget it, it IS spoiled. God spoils me. big time.

thank you for everything.
all of you.

thank you to those closest, who have done such a good job of building such a strong nest around me that keeps my eye on the ground but keeps me from falling. i miss it constantly.
thanks for changing plans, thanks for sacrifice, thanks for drives, thanks for tears, thanks for listening, thanks for staying, thanks for being consistent.
thanks for making me laugh. thanks for making me food. thanks for snuggling. thanks for holding onto me when i'm shaking or crying.
i know that wisdom and learning come with time.
i know that the best and proper way to look at change is not in the hurt it makes us feel but in the way it makes things grow, in a different direction but nonetheless for something greater. at the end of the day, this is just a change of plans and no one is going anywhere and no one needs to be anything different.
there's a lot i have to do, a lot i have to figure out if i'm ever going to accomplish what i want to but i know who i have, i know what i have and thats all i need.

dem bones dem bones

passing through
unconscious states
when i awoke
i was on the
highway.


in lack of finals week stress, some things i hope to accomplish with my life:


1. own and operate my own co-op print shop.
2. live up east.
3. live in the south.
4. live in san francisco
5. live in the mountains.
6. live in canada.
7. go to europe. go to france, italy, ireland, england, greece.
8. maybe go to grad school for lithography.
9. learn to speak french more fluently.
10. get a husky and name it akela. (pronounced AH-KEEL-AH)
11. get a lab, name it hogarth hughes.
12. if i get a cat? name it Srgt. Tibs.
13. record and play music.
14. roadtrip for a better part of a year.
15. write a short story or more.
16. see belle and sebastian in concert.
17. go to elizabethtown with britty.
18. live with my best friends.
19. find a nice young stud on my 'wavelength' and not settle down before settling down and love him the best way i know how
20. go back and actually live in memphis instead of just being an infant there.
21. kayak on the mississippi.
22. live in Provincetown, MA.
23. go to the cape with amy and eileen again.
24. id like to have kids.
25. never hesitate to tell those kids that i love them, support them, respect them.
26. marry a man who would never hesitate to do that either.
27. do my best to make sure my brother doesn't turn into an asshole.
28. attend comicon (DUHtotally)
29. go to a belgian monastery and watch monks make beer.
30. possibly attempt to make my own beer.
31. hell, work at a brewing company.
32. learn how to cook better.
33. live in indiana again.
34. compile a stellar record collection.
35. learn how to play the violin.
36. work through things that run deep, learn from them instead of becoming bitter.
37. open a diner/coffee shop.
38. have a different flannel shirt for every day of the week.
39. actually try a fried egg on vanilla ice cream
40. go to disneyland
41. read the entire bible from cover to cover and actually learn from it instead of feeling obligated.
42. be meaningful, informed and aware of my convictions.
43. take care of my parents.
44. actually use my phone to keep in touch with people instead of mostly avoiding it.
45. i'd like to go to south america and harvest coffee
46. say what i mean and mean what i say, verbalize.
47. i want to get re-baptized in a river, out of faith and renewal rather than to join a specific church's congregation.
48. go to new orleans
((** to obviously be continued and added onto**))
i needed to type this out to remind myself what i want out of my life before i become just another number on some man's clip board and most of my life is spoken for by various obligations. here is so much i want to do with my life, which is currently at a standstill, but there is so much i want to do and experience and i've been having a really hard time lately working towards ways to make that happen.
right now, my life can go in a million different directions, each one dependent on various factors or others and ME.
i have a job that can transfer me anywhere, so if i go somewhere new and work for just a year? cool.
i'll go anywhere.
and every week, someone in my life is saying Hey! Come live with me in Chicago! or Nashville! or Austin! or Indy!
and i'd go to any one of those in a jiffy, but i'm just trying to get the slightest hint of any direction my life may be going in, whose going to be in it, what i'm going to do with it, where i'm supposed to be - i know i'm not going to figure it out and thats ok.
i don't have anyone keeping me in any one place, i hope i am not keeping anyone in any one place.
i miss my friends, i miss living with them, i miss having a support system of people who know me really well, who i can talk to and who really make me laugh. with a lot of things going on in the past week, it is something i have missed more than usual.
this standstill gives me a feeling of helplessness, the kind that makes me want to drive for days. i have a lot of potentially great things happening here, i have sold some prints and i have been asked to show my work. but nothing is written in stone, and i don't want to get stuck.
i hate the word stuck. and i hate the word routine. i'm not ready for that yet.
i know that makes me sound insane, or like a hypocrite or a huge commitment-phobe, which is not the case. i'm just not done with what i want yet, i don't think you should ever have to be done but they put the pressure on so early these days. work yourself to death so you can retire and die already.
i sat with my mom today over a few beers. i'm going to be 23 this year. when she was 23, she was married and getting preggers with me.

too many dry bones.

stay classy

1. vacay confirmed by boss. number of days, not an issue. indiana here i come. longest. month. ever. april please end NOW. i need to see my girlfriends, i need to see my boyfriends, i need to be there. and i'm bringing vegan cupcakes. really really good ones.

2. my cousin's wife had their second baby boy today. so. awesome. sorry all, but i'm home now. i'm surrounded by family and baby's, which means i like kids and i like babies. BUT i do notice that all my cousins who stay here for long periods of time end up getting engaged etc etc etc doing that whole thing which is terrifying. i just like seeing the babies.

3. 4 Ohio Print Co-op's show at Zygote on saturday. 4 print shops, shit tons of prints, lots of good people, food, beer, portfolios and conversations about prints.
ALSO: coming late summer into early fall, working on a huge archival/collections of prints with AWESOME master printer from Tamarind at CIA (in non-print lingo: tamarind=only school for Lithography in the country, Lithography=my print forte, master printer=badass) God is good.

4. my dog is awesome. why? because, within loads of other reasons, she's always happy to see me and thats really nice when you come home, having not seen your family for days because of work and everyone is in a shit ass mood. thanks hero. you're swell and i love you.

5. as some of you know, trish is now vegan. its great because i mostly eat a lot of veggie stuff anyway, not really a HUGE meat eater to begin with but dear sweet lord in heaven if i eat one more piece of tofu/veggie protein thats supposed to be steak or chicken or, for the love of God, a burger...well i just don't know what i would do. i can eat veggies all day, its when you try to make a lot of veggie's meat that it gets a little overkill for me. grilled eggplant on the other hand, right now sounds amazing. does that make any sense? eliza should come back and make me enchiladas. AND ICE CREAM!

6. i was driving today, through the park on my way home like i always do. come around a corner, there are 5 deer grazing on the edge of the woods, near the road: one mama and her baby, one mama and her two baby's. i stopped my car because i grew up in the 'burbs, i grew up not seeing deer and pretty much thinking they were a myth and even though we basically moved to the country when i was in high school, i still find them incredibly beautiful and fascinating. so i stopped to watch them for a bit because no one was coming on either side. i rolled down my window all the way, i was listening to I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend by the Ramones, it was up pretty loud. the closest mama and her baby stopped to look at me, kept grazing a little, tilting their heads at the music and looking over at me. and then they started to come towards my car, baby steps as we just kept looking at each other. first the mama steps out into the road and then the baby a few steps behind, just looking and very curious because before i know it, the mama is standing less than a foot away from my back left window and just looking at me while her baby follows slowly behind. they both just stand there for a few seconds and look at me, before walking behind my car to graze on the other side of the road. all of this happened in the span of this song.
it was pretty rad.


i can't wait to go to mercy house. i can't wait to drink beers with my friends. i can't wait to drive backroads. i can't wait until wafflehouse and southside. i can't wait to slumber party. i can't wait to sit at my kitchen table and talk for hours. i can't wait to waste time. i can't wait to belt out songs in my car between hot boxed cigarettes. i can't wait to go to paynes and get vanilla custard with raspberries and half a pump of coffee. i can't wait until stargazing. i can't wait until roadtripping. i can't wait until dance parties. i can't wait until hugs and hellos and i missed you. i can't wait to sit outside in the yard. i can't wait until laughing and waking up and seeing the family who are my best friends.

i love getting together with dear friends. especially ones from indiana because being at home has made me realize that indiana is more like home.
especially when we sit and talk about really intense things over a few beers and i leave at the end of the night with a lot to think about. some things i need to figure out, just suck it up and do what needs to be done i guess.
i'm not very good at confrontation.


sometimes, i know that God tends to show us how easily we can break so that He can repair us.
it's in our nature, as God's most important creation, to be broken. we need to be for faith to work. we constantly live our lives trying not to be, avoiding brokenness, almost at all costs.
being broken involves hurt, something i don't do very well.
i have never been on the edge of death. i have never watched someone i love intensely die in front of me. i have not lost any of the people who are the world to me. my parents have never been divorced. i've never been taken advantage of. in slight terms, my person, heart, spirit or soul has only been crushed, fractured, depressed, defeated, stepped on, but never broken.
there are many aspects of my life that can go either one way or another. each way is broad, general for the most part and i like that freeing quality to it.
this is no exception from any other aspect. in the end, it goes one of two ways, except i think one way may break me. and its no use trying to get it to be gentle because it won't be. and with all such things, everything will just have to change.
it was fun though wasn't it?
i had fun.


sometimes when i'm driving, in silence or with music that makes me think, i start to pray. i do most of my praying when i'm alone in my car, driving. and as i talk out loud and spill my guts and sins, tears come to my throat and a slightly chilly tingle comes over my body, up my arms, across my neck and spine and down to the tips of my fingers and thats when i know i have the holy spirit.
i'm going to try and be ready for this. for anything said or not said, felt or not felt, loved, hated, possible or impossible, for cynicism, for bitterness, for objection, for excuses. and i will fight them. i won't let them seep in.

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

stick your heart inside of my chest

the past 2 weeks of my life have been a little hectic.
i am now working 2 jobs, interning, while trying to get prints done (fail), keep up with friends (fail), not getting really stressed out (fail), make music (fail) and actually sit down and think for a moment.
today was my first actual day off in weeks where i didn't really have something else to do, to go, some other obligation. i spent it at the mall with my mom and sister, helping them pick out easter outfits while i walked around in my black jeans, tegan and sara shirt and unwashed hair looking like a giant lesbian because i wasn't there to shop, i was there to spend time with them and listen to shitty college music at american eagle while madi tried on jeans (OWL CITY YOU ARE QUICKLY BECOMING THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE). then i came home, made some cd's and got some care packages together (you know who you are), ate awesome blueberry pie and watched fantastic mr. fox (FINALLY) followed by sherlock holmes.

here i am and since its my day off, here's what has been on the very intense forefront of my mind these past few days:

i went to the most wonderful show on sunday. it is inexplicable how incredibly wonderful it was. i had been waiting since i was a junior in high school to see Tegan and Sara live, and when they opened with The Ocean and stepped under those lights i literally cried my eyes out i was so happy and just incredibly overwhelmed by so so many things.
overwhelmed by the complete dissipation of suspense and the influx of relief.
overwhelmed that they opened with my favorite song off Sainthood.
overwhelmed by how incredibly beautiful and talented they were.
overwhelmed by my sister singing next to me and sharing it with her and britty.
and the show was fantastic. they played so long and they played so many great songs and they were funny and told stories and made fun of people who shouted at them,
and i'm in this giant auditorium of people in love.
in love with these girls. in love with the people they are with. their partners. their spouses. their significant others. the amount of couples there, gay, lesbian, straight, whatever was so immense and beautiful it was like all of lakewood decided that this sunday night was date night.
so the night ends and yesterday comes and i get up and i catch up with my mom and say goodbye to britty and drive to work and work and take breaks and come home exhausted and sleep and yesterday becomes today and these concepts and contemplations and witnessing's of love are floating through my head all day.

i have never been in love with anyone. there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with them. IN love is like a place to be or go to, like hell, michigan or like how madi used to think wedlock was a place a couples went in and out of like a town to get babies the good way or the bad way. being in love requires communication, admittance and the ability to say things aloud. i've loved a lot of people, i do love a lot of people and all in different ways. i have never loved anyone in the same way as another because everyone is different. thats not rocket science. and i loved people requietedly, unrequietedly, knowingly and unconsciously in retrospect. i have been with people, i have cared about people immensely, i have been close to the town of IN love but not quite in it, sometimes just by fate and actually a lot of times by choice.
please understand, i say this because it is a valuable trunk in the root system of my current thoughts, not a pity party.
and so i have this great penchant for love songs. i love love songs. i am an admitted romantic and i love that too. and yes, that totally sucks sometimes because i know things are idealized and i know things don't work out that way but maybe people don't try for them hard enough. and it sucks because to be honest, i don't know HOW the hell i'm not more of a cynic or non-romantic because most of the relationships i have witnessed in my life have been really shitty: they have been shitty between my friends, they have been shitty for a close friend, they have been shitty between parents, other family members. they have not necessarily been what i see love as being.
so i go to this concert. and i listen to these songs by these wonderful girls whom i love. because they write about love. they write about being in love. people they love. every wonderful and fucked up aspect of caring about someone SO MUCH that they form into these classic concepts of selflessness, two hearts with the same beat, what we have is real and thank you for loving me when i am a monster, when i fuck up, when i'm at my best, as me.

this is what love is to me and i don't think it wrong or bad or too old school to want it. i want it, sadly i'm just not one of those people who doesn't go looking for it everywhere. i know where it is. i know where to find it. people just need to let me give it to them and i guess no one has wanted it yet because its not fucking around. does that make sense? i'm not the type of person to try things out, give a go, hurt some people and live to tell about it. for me, i guess i'll just know when i know.
love is selflessness.
love is something that needs to change you, whether that comes slowly and patiently or in a whirlwind of clusterfuck.
love is gentle and real.
love is confident enough to trust and wise enough to stay away from jealousy.
love speaks, love listens, love holds tight, love holds accountable, not for you but for someone else, out of itself.
love feels like home, peace of mind, and comfort in your own skin.
love is open minded, love lets you yell, love keeps pride down, love apologizes.
love is i want you to be happy and i hope i can be a part in that happiness.
love is keep me safe.
love has baggage.
love is just spending time, just hanging out.
love is i'm not walking off this fucking plank without you.
love is i have plans but i want you in them.
love is complex, no where near instantaneous.
love is forgiveness.
love sees the best parts and accepts the bad ones, helping them become better.
love needs room to breathe and a sense of humor.
love is laughing.
love is acceptance and sacrifice while still having enough energy to push when it needs to.
love is slamming doors and tears and talking through things.
love is communicating and genuine honesty.
love is reassurance.
love is the unexpected.
love is grace.
love is rivers and dirt and trees and stars and crescent moons and music and cigarette smoke and books.

as a romantic whose been shoving various loves songs down into her chest since she was a child, thats what love is to me. and thats how i want it because thats what the real thing is. and i know its not going to be exact and perfect and start right away and be gravy train. its going to be different for everyone. its going to take time, its going to take patience. its going to be me ripping my fucking hair out asking myself what the fuck is going on. its probably going to take some yelling by myself in my car. and i'm going to cry privately about it and be privately overjoyed and girly and hideously disgusting. and there will be times when its hard and its angry and ugly and bitter, when it wants to be left alone, when it will be you can't fix this, when it will be there is nothing you can do for me. it will be like that for me, it will be like that for whoever. and there will be times of knowing and times of 'stay' and 'this is really good'.

there is a lot i want to do with my life, things i want to accomplish and experience and i'd be a liar and a fool to say i didn't want someone else to be a part of that, to be nicely in sync with it. as my mom would say 'gabe, i really hope you find someone on the same wavelength.' i know i have the capacity to love a person like this. sometimes that capacity is just sitting there so heavily it becomes impatient and overbearing and bitter. most times its questioning, researching, patient, waiting to be discovered instead of forced out too early or out of false alarm. but its there, full and immense. and the truth still remains, as always, that i cannot truly love another person in this capacity until i realize that that is how God, how Christ loves me, how thats the way he needs me, how thats the way i need to love and need myself before applying that to another person and i know i've come far in that department but i'm not quite done yet. i don't think you can ever actually fully do those things either, we're too human. i think other humans needs to help you realize and act upon those things


so i listen to Tegan and Sara, thank the Lord that they are both virgo's like me, and i bask in their love chords and lyrics and i let myself feel what i need to and hold myself accountable for what i need to. a lot of the time, i guard myself and i leave myself be because in a way, i don't really know what i would do or what i'm doing. i don't think you should have to, you should just be and being should be genuine.


the hair is getting the guillotine tomorrow morning. goodbye year and a half of growing your hair out, it was real, it was great, it was really great. didn't quite make it to mermaid status but a lioness doesn't need a mane to show what she is, she just needs herself and well, its time to go short again.

bon soir.

you've got to be kind!

me and madi are becoming bob sledders.
did you know that bob sleds have wheels?
i did not know this. i am fascinated.
i'm going to steer and madi is going to work breaks because she's really great at tucking.
no i have yet to see cool runnings. working on it.



i've had a lot to think about these past few weeks but i've been really selfish.
i apologize.
i really have been in my own head way too much and when you have a lot to think about, its hard to give yourself breaks.
i struggle with fear a lot.
i struggle with love a lot.
i have a lot of fears about things.
i have a lot of love sitting here because i've been given a great deal of love.
i try my best to give it back out. it can't just been incoming you know.
i pass by the little catholic school i attended as a child and the church attached to it nearly every day to or from work. it looks a lot smaller now, when i was a child it seemed massive. the church has these beautiful stained glass panels all mosaic'd along the upper walls. when i was in school there, we had to take a religion class that had this little work book to help explain concepts lost on us young ones. i can't remember if i was in first or second grade, but i have this memory of this concept of love being explained to us in religion class. how God loves us and how Jesus loves us, how its more than we love any toy or any food or any tv show...etc. and how because God made us, we want to love him and that we have to love him because it's just a part of us, like our hair and the color of our eyes are, it just IS that way. and how there are all these ways we can show God that we love him (mostly by being good, wholesome boys and girls who obviously fulfilled all their sacramental obligations...ANYWEW) and how because God loves us so much and because God made us, he makes that love His and gives it back, and not just to us, but to everyone. He takes our love and shares it with everyone. He re-gifts it.
i've been given a great deal of love.

i'm a person who tries to collect and savour quiet moments in life. i TRY.
like when you're laying in bed, still awake and in the dark and the most beautiful, mysterious light is coming through your window and you realize it's the moon, even the slightest sliver of it. or when i walk to work and take the back path through the woods, next to the over grown train tracks and i come around the corner near the tiny clearing and i see a deer, with his antlers just starting to grow and get fuzzy, less than 100 yards away and completely still. or when i'm driving my old neighborhood at night, getting stopped on a side street so a ghost train can come slowly through while i listen to music on my stereo. i love cheesy stuff like that. very small, almost things that make you feel like the only human person for miles.

alex comes home this week. cannot wait. cannot.
i get to see 2 very old, very dear and very awesome girlfriends tomorrow where we will go to Tommy's (the greatest restaurant in the Cleve) and be in each others company.
i am thankful. so thankful. continually trying to be humbly and graciously thankful.
i am thankful for friends. i am thankful for family. i am thankful for my dog.
i am thankful for music. i am thankful for words. i am thankful for art.
i am thankful for orange juice. i am thankful for fried egg, bacon, cheddar and avocado sammy's. i am thankful for sustenance.
i am thankful for you. i am thankful that you are consistent. i am thankful for your indisputable longevity. i am thankful that you get it. i am thankful that you are comfortable.
i am thankful for prayer.
i am thankful for Your presence. i am thankful for Your comfort. i am thankful for Your patience.
i am thankful for faith.
i am thankful for kindness. i am thankful for selflessness. i am thankful for hope.
i am thankful for sleep. i am thankful for dreams. i am thankful for memories.
i am thankful for honesty. i am thankful for modesty. i am thankful for grace.
i am thankful for peace. i am thankful for stillness. i am thankful for quiet.
i am thankful for moments of certainty. i am thankful for comfort. i am thankful for self awareness.
i am thankful for love.

dreaming is free

this morning i woke up with smell of canned peas in my nose. its how the cape smells, how the ocean and sand would smell during low tide when hermit crabs littered the path to the beach and the dunes, walking along singing Blondie to the ocean so that i could swim and bury myself in sand while amy got caught in seaweed. then we would go back to the cedar cabin, lay in the hammock strung between pine trees and growing in sand in the sideyard. laying head to heel sharing headphones while we harmonized to That Dog and Rose Melberg while the sun shining through the trees made patterns on our closed eyelids. we laid there for hours, singing, talking, planning out our lives of living there or going to california where amy would write feminist screenplays while i played in a band and had rainbow brite hair, living in shitty next door to each other apartments with our long haired artsy boyfriends, her with cats, me with dogs. the only thing conflicting my mind was what milkshake i would get at the Ben and Jerry's up the road: chocolate or strawberry, and how i could get amy to talk to the cute ice cream scooper.

i've been having similar dreams lately, which is actually not very uncommon. most dreams i've had in my life, i have had my whole life because they repeat themselves, the only slight difference being something like setting or someone else aside from the usual few will be in them. those are the only ones i really remember, most others, no matter how vivid usually pass from memory when i wake up. certain parts usually stick out though, parts with people, usually saying or doing something weird or profound or nerve racking to me in reality. for the past two weeks or so, about two nights or more a week, i've been in a similar vein of dreams. they are very short and very odd, not very vivid in terms of setting, just enough to know where i might be. in them, i am always with someone i love dearly, old friends, family members, people i miss, people i've been in conflict with or about. in one, we were on the beach in Wellfleet County, in another we were in my old house in Garfield Hts, in another i was in the studio at TU. in every dream, i come across one of these people in these places, and when i walk up to them, i realize that their fingertips and my fingertips are dipped and stained in black ink. then i look down and there's a press, usually a letter press, and we start dragging our fingers across the letters and plates and printing them.


somedays i feel like i'm drowning myself in my own skin, that just when i get used to being in it, feeling good about the person in there, i try to suffocate her. being in my home environment amplifies that a lot of the time, some of you know why, some of you don't and its not really something i choose to share but nonetheless exists. i know that and it's something i'm working on - its not as easy as saying 'it's bad' or 'it's good', a lot of things just run deep here. does that make sense? i'm pretty sure, in some way or another, that is the case for everyone.
most days, i read a lot, organize all the stuff in my room, make things for people, drink a lot of coffee, walk my dog and put in applications all over the place. i hang out with my sister, we bake cakes when we're bored or she'll try to give me a make over, try out new fashion tips she reads about in Seventeen (weird). after an early friday evening of laying in my bed trying to figure out something to do, we decided to watch The Wizard of Oz to The Dark Side of the Moon and it turned out to be one of the best fridays i've had in a long time. it was really weird and really awesome. we drank a lot of pop and ate turkey burgers and rice cakes.
i have spent a lot of time with my extended family which is really awesome - mardi gras, birthday parties, brunches, whatever, any reason we have to get together. as much as i don't really do crowds or large gatherings of people, i'm pretty sure thats only specific to strangers with interspersed friends because i could probably be around my entire family for the good part of a day no problem, regardless of vast amounts of little girls and pink shit that is occasionally all over the place. thats why God gives us beer and cousins.



i've been spending a lot of time with these kids - babies - which is actually amazing. they are so much fun and so smart and i love hanging out with them. i love playing cars and transformers with them and watching Cinderella and cuddling on the couch with them. i love making them laugh, i love picking them up, i love reading to them. i even love them when they are running around screaming from too much sugar. whatever. it's awesome.


on wednesday i start interning here: Zygote Press in downtown Cleveland (we're still the mistake on the lake! thank god!)



which is awesome. the extensiveness of this space and the things in it are too awesome for words but will probably try to be explained to one or more of you at a later date.

i had coffee with a very old friend of mine the other day. his name is jimmy and we've been friends since the summer we graduated from high school. the week before i had a dream with him in it, he just appeared out of nowhere and the next day i had a message from him on my phone. i hadn't seen him in over a year and we sat in a panera for 4 1/2 hours until they had to close, not only catching up but talking about things. everything. our worldviews, what we want to accomplish, where we're going from here, our trepidation's, our experiences, how we constantly process these things everyday. we've both changed and grown in a lot of ways and not so much in others and it was just really good to sit with someone whose known me that long, who is here with me, in this town, in this urban sprawl. he's one of those people who after years of interacting and being friends, i don't really need to explain myself so much. it's nice to not have to do that. it was one of those interactions with someone you know so well, who knows you that when you leave, you just feel a sense of relief because in a way they have brought you back to yourself. they have brought you back to yourself just by seeing you and knowing you the way that they do. it was one of those interactions that reminded me and brought back to me that part of myself that i like, parts that i not only like but am proud of, those parts that are the best of me.


my dad told me today that i just need to get up and go. i don't need to stay here, i can work a mindless job like waitressing somewhere else and still get on my feet. i could have stayed in indiana (surprise!), i could go anywhere basically. it really threw me off because if i could be elsewhere i would.
he's right.
it's warming up here a little (probably not for long) but its nice to smell a little dirt instead of snow

break

deep
deep
deep
deep
breaths.
must fill every single one of my tar stained alvioli's with air.
3 times
4 times
as many times as i can
breath deep
exhale slowly.
painfully slow.
shakily slow.
3 times
4 times
let it out.
shake it off.
take a step back.
play it cool.
think.
realize.
accept.
and continue.

welcome to the precipice.


remember where you come from, remember who you are, remember you are loved unconditionally, remember you are supported without question or hesitation. remember what you've so far been through, remember what you have learned from that. remember who knows those things and loves them, keep them near to you and distance yourself from those who can't see it, who fear it, who don't understand. everyone has baggage, anyone worth knowing or being with. accept things you can't change, work on the things you can. make yourself happy for one day in your life and fuck everyone else, in the end it means nothing. don't try to fix things, don't try to figure them out, don't try to hold control. love things as they are, if they are good and good for you, they will figure out themselves if they need to be. otherwise, enjoy their unquestionable, simple comfort that they bring. say what needs to be said, hold your tongue when it is necessary and wise. love honestly, live honestly, communicate honestly and go with your guts even when you know you are at fault because your mind can talk you out of anything. take responsibility for your actions because they are yours, you are the only one who can change them, no one can make one do anything, need anything, be anything but yourself. don't make excuses, don't blame others for your problems, don't expect others to come to you, don't sit silent - if you are unhappy, you must change that, no one else. speak up and speak out of love, not out of bitterness or judgement or blame or ignorance, there is always more going on than anyone else really knows. be able to look at yourself critically, squarely, humbly and with modest love because you were made, as you are, to be something greater and bigger than all of this, it will just take some time.

do what you need to do, pray for wisdom and pray pray and pray for grace. grace and wisdom and love. no one needs more than that. because at the end of the day, regardless of physical suffering, everyone is suffering. all of humanity is suffering one way or another whether it be global or communal or personal - know that you are, identify it and with it and remember those who really are and give praise for your mercy, for your grace and be grateful.

figure it out
do it
get it done
and be done with it.


when i am older, i will have an orange tree.
in a month or so, i will probably cut off all my hair.
tomorrow i will pack.
an hour ago, i was drinking coffee out of my peter pan mug in my safe place.
an hour from now i will be at the post office sending off a letter.
this time last week i was sleeping.
this time next week i'll be at home with my sister.
this time next year i'll know where i want to be and who i'll want to be with.
this time a year ago i didn't even know you.
i can't wait to take my shoes off and look up at the stars without freezing.

infj

i've been listening to a lot of music lately. dumb statement, but i bring it up because it put in my mind an interesting correlation i have noticed.
certain music obviously stimulates people differently, duh, everyone is different. what i mean is, i'm finding that most people i know usually fall into two very broad categories: people who listen to music because of the actual sound and music, and people who listen to music mostly for lyrical content. these are obviously not strict categories and everyone is a little or a lot of both, but its interesting to me because this leads into the very important fact of how music is interpreted for each person, which then leads to the whole mixtape mix cd culture so involved in generation x.
music conveys different things to each person, whether that be through lyrical or musical content. i listen to a lot of music without words that rips my heart out but a lot of the music i listen to i love so much because of words combined with that music. for example, i can say for me, my best friend, and now that i think about it, most of the females i know, listen to music for its lyrical content because thats what we probably most associate with FEELING. they are words, spelled out. again, not that wordless music cannot be associated with feeling, but with words, it is spelled out and a lot of times the musical sounds reflect those words and that feeling. isn't that interesting? i find it interesting. it comes down to how any kind of music connects with you, sometimes its through words and sometimes its through sound. you play a song that means something to you through it sounds but may mean or say something entirely different to me because of its words, its all about interpretation. it's the pro and the con of most art - the difference in interpretation, the beauty in that and how it can relate so differently but so universally to each person at the same time, but depending on where its coming from that difference in interpretation can also be a little dangerous too.
i have this habit where sometimes, when i'm listening to music, i think about my life as a movie. not my whole life, mostly just small parts of my life, like what is currently happening, what i'm currently experiencing or feeling or seeing and for each moment i think about what song would play to best describe and convey what is is thats happening while at the same time expressing how i'm thinking and feeling. what would play during the opening credits, what would play when i'm feeling a particular sort of happy, what i'm feeling during a pretty low moment, etc. all of those things. thats not uncommon, i'm pretty sure a lot of people make mini movies like that, i wonder if there is an actual film out there somewhere that has no dialogue, just music to serve as it. i'm sure there is, but not a short one, and not one thats vague, but kind of like playing Dark Side of the Moon to Wizard of Oz, kind of not. like if The Royal Tenenbaums had just its soundtrack and no dialogue, i think everything would still be conveyed properly and beautifully.
most music appeals to me lyrically because it mostly has the words i completely lack or lack the ability to say, to speak. i'm not very good at speaking, especially when something needs to be said. and it only makes it better when the sounds coming out with those words are the sounds i would try to make if i could not speak.


i've been depressed lately, lately as in...oh...the past 2 months, a relapse in some ways especially after being home and soon to be going back there for a while. some music hurts that and some music helps it. i've been working at not feeling things so intensely or concentrating on those feelings so much since i was in middle school to very little avail. sometimes my mind and my guts are so clouded with feelings and thoughts in conflict and crisis that i cannot concentrate on anything else ever and i've been trying to work out of that for the past 2 months, to basically care less, if care at all. it blinds me sometimes, irrationally, single minded and crazy. it's really difficult. its always been difficult and always will be because it is just something that will always be. i will feel things change, hurt, grow, fail and push before they ever do - the blue comes from trying to either keep those things from happening or trying to change them myself. stubbornness and pride and guilt and worry. because of that, there always comes a time in the lives of those that i love and who love me where i keep myself from them, where i guard myself in self preservation and protection because my love for them and the intensity of my relationships with them get to be so much so that they scare me - and the hurt that comes with it because things always change, constant change, the fact that things can't always be what they are and that they will never be that way again through fights or individual, personal change or loss or space or distance or time or ignorance or passivity or aggressiveness or pushing or anything and it just takes me a while to remember that i can't push all the time or keep pushing. all i can and want to do is be still and you can't be still if you're always trying to keep yourself from hurt all the time.
so here i am, again trying to be still, trying to feel things but not fear them into complete hardness, not to ignore them but to feel them and accept them, knowing what will happen - knowing it will bring me hurt, knowing i'll be pulling out defenses but knowing i'll be taking risks. it will be so difficult - i'll want to curl up and die and bury myself and feel the howl between my lungs rife with all the words i can't speak and thoughts i can't figure out and feelings i can't make go away and things i can't get unstuck from my mind, but i'll know what it is and i'll know what it isn't and i'll work on leaving it behind me.


for now, all i would really need to be content is an egg sammy, some iced tea, rose melberg on vinyl and a little patch of sunshine to sit in, but its foggy and cold so i'll settle for the sammy, strawberry milk and jersey shore.

howl

can't do this.
can't.
can not.
do
this.