things i have to remind myself of constantly:
one day at a time
all is full of love.
let's be honest friends, my mind is a pretty hot mess most of the time. whose isn't. i didn't make this blog so people i love can read me whining. i made it to share my thoughts. to get them out. sometimes, i just don't have it together. sure, everything is still fluttering around in there, but you pray about it. you talk to your friends. you scream it out. you take baby steps. because most of the time, it's not what you think it is, nor is it as bad. everything is everything, what comes to pass is supposed to and what doesn't, doesn't. at the end of the day, you have those who love you, and sure, you go through some shit, some confusion, but those are meant to stay, will stay and make sure that they do. that's all there is to it.
its good to know that no matter what happens, no matter what is so bad or so confusing in a moment, i'll still be here and so will you. i know that as fact. i do not question it and i don't know why i ever would. some people in your life are just there to stay. staying should be enough, shouldn't it?
my bestie is the best there is. she made me a christmas video, she keeps me sane and calm when i need to be and still loves me without failure or question while still knowing pretty much everything about me, all the best parts of me and the very worst as well.
how many people do you love like that?
better question, how many people know you love them like that?
if you're anything like me, probably not many because we are great at thinking people know what we really mean through our actions.
newsflash: most of the time, they don't.
we're too busy taking them for granted.
so here's one small step, a started for when i verbalize it at a later date if i haven't let you know already:
i love you emily, i love you britty, i love you tiffy, i love you stephen, i love you taylor, i love you jamie, i love you mom, i love you dad, i love you madi, i love you alex, i love you hero, i love you lamb, i love you frog, i love you lizzy, i love you jimmy, i love you christine, i love you amy, i love you eileen, i love you spencermonster, i love you dustin, i love you andrew, i love you luke, i love you paul, i love you beth, i love you daelan, i love you nathan, i love you rachel, i love you ally, i love you sarah, i love you ashely, i love you lindsey, i love you carmen, i love you steph, i love you jon, i love you erica, i love you andy1, i love you andy2, i love you kevin, i love you kyle, i love you kylie, i love you grandma, i love you pop pop, i love you grandma k, i love you grandpa k, i love you mike,dave,deb,marykay,terese,jim,marie,thad,tash,danielle,ian,matt,dave,jon,anna,nat,soph, i love you kathy, connie, dale, helene, greg, mary, ed, bill, andrea, jackie, timmy,michelle,tina,tony and all 150 of my cousins.
merry christmas :)
thats all for a while.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
hello friends
i am currently snowed in in the beautiful town of upland until monday due to quite a bit of snow, a mothers nervousness, and silliness upon my part in a checking account.
this is, in a way, another one of those karma situations i've been experiencing over the past 48-72 hours considering i wanted nothing more to get out of here this time yesterday but this is good.
it's snowing. white fluffy sticky snow, building snow, snow ball fight snow.
school is over which takes away a lot of the stress.
this gives me more time with stephen whom i will miss to a point beyond explanation.
this gives me more time with tiff whose easy company i don't experience enough through the school time.
this gives me time to relax myself, to process the last week because Lord knows enough happened that needs thinking and sorting.
this gives me time to make mixes and write letters and make homemade notebooks and christmas cards and presents.
this gives me time to clean while listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas album that is so amazing.
COCOA. raspberry cocoa.
i'll probably watch Love Actually again and do something ridiculous.
this is good.
ps: little known fact: the pixies are probably still my favorite band, seriously. its probably because they're so weird.
i am currently snowed in in the beautiful town of upland until monday due to quite a bit of snow, a mothers nervousness, and silliness upon my part in a checking account.
this is, in a way, another one of those karma situations i've been experiencing over the past 48-72 hours considering i wanted nothing more to get out of here this time yesterday but this is good.
it's snowing. white fluffy sticky snow, building snow, snow ball fight snow.
school is over which takes away a lot of the stress.
this gives me more time with stephen whom i will miss to a point beyond explanation.
this gives me more time with tiff whose easy company i don't experience enough through the school time.
this gives me time to relax myself, to process the last week because Lord knows enough happened that needs thinking and sorting.
this gives me time to make mixes and write letters and make homemade notebooks and christmas cards and presents.
this gives me time to clean while listening to the Charlie Brown Christmas album that is so amazing.
COCOA. raspberry cocoa.
i'll probably watch Love Actually again and do something ridiculous.
this is good.
ps: little known fact: the pixies are probably still my favorite band, seriously. its probably because they're so weird.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
peace like a river
you know,
i'm getting the feeling that we all need an island dance party vacation.
this is the first time in many years that i'm kind of wishing for warmer weather at this time of year.
i wish i had pine trees in sand dunes salty breeze sunshine and a hammock.
but if i am going to be here for a bit (which i am), i at least wish there was some snow so that i could build a giant fort and tunnel system in one of those huge piles left by the bulldozers. or a sweet tree house, with heat. that would be cool.
i like that. burying myself in things. like snow or sand or leaves or dirt or blankets or people. it's weird, but i do. i think the feeling that comes with being completely covered and surrounded by those things appeals to me. the warmth found inside buried snow, crisp warm grains of sand, the smell of dirt and leaves, the comfortable calm safety and togetherness of people and blankets. thats what i need right now.
did you know that a person needs at least 6 meaningful touches a day from others?
thats what i need. someone who will just snuggle down with me while i do my homework and hang out and keep me calmed down and from academic panic. in my living room, with the fire on, with some hot tea and maybe some beef stew or shepherds pie or soup or something.
everything will be alright.
everything will work out, get done, get sorted and be still.
i am constantly struggling with giving myself peace, letting myself be peaceful and experiencing that incredible aspect of God that is peace. i am constantly conflicted and thinking and processing every little aspect of my life that i am easily overwhelmed and worn out by it. i am very stubborn you know. i am working at it, and some days are harder, a lot harder, than others but i've been allowing my rebellion and guilt to still and just let myself have peace sometimes.
what changes now is usually best for our futures and all is full of love.
always love because without it you are nothing and have nothing.
anyone who says otherwise is full of horseshit. road apples.
because everything changes and you'll know who and what is replaceable, isn't and won't ever be.
hold out for the ones you know will love you.
so let it be well, let it be still, allow yourself some peace.
merry christmas everyone. in less than a week i will stuffed with homemade christmas cookies. i love you.
i'm getting the feeling that we all need an island dance party vacation.
this is the first time in many years that i'm kind of wishing for warmer weather at this time of year.
i wish i had pine trees in sand dunes salty breeze sunshine and a hammock.
but if i am going to be here for a bit (which i am), i at least wish there was some snow so that i could build a giant fort and tunnel system in one of those huge piles left by the bulldozers. or a sweet tree house, with heat. that would be cool.
i like that. burying myself in things. like snow or sand or leaves or dirt or blankets or people. it's weird, but i do. i think the feeling that comes with being completely covered and surrounded by those things appeals to me. the warmth found inside buried snow, crisp warm grains of sand, the smell of dirt and leaves, the comfortable calm safety and togetherness of people and blankets. thats what i need right now.
did you know that a person needs at least 6 meaningful touches a day from others?
thats what i need. someone who will just snuggle down with me while i do my homework and hang out and keep me calmed down and from academic panic. in my living room, with the fire on, with some hot tea and maybe some beef stew or shepherds pie or soup or something.
everything will be alright.
everything will work out, get done, get sorted and be still.
i am constantly struggling with giving myself peace, letting myself be peaceful and experiencing that incredible aspect of God that is peace. i am constantly conflicted and thinking and processing every little aspect of my life that i am easily overwhelmed and worn out by it. i am very stubborn you know. i am working at it, and some days are harder, a lot harder, than others but i've been allowing my rebellion and guilt to still and just let myself have peace sometimes.
what changes now is usually best for our futures and all is full of love.
always love because without it you are nothing and have nothing.
anyone who says otherwise is full of horseshit. road apples.
because everything changes and you'll know who and what is replaceable, isn't and won't ever be.
hold out for the ones you know will love you.
so let it be well, let it be still, allow yourself some peace.
merry christmas everyone. in less than a week i will stuffed with homemade christmas cookies. i love you.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
OJ
i have the greatest friends in the whole world.
i'm sure most people, at some point in time, think this.
but i really do.
mine are the greatest.
yes, i know the greatest people in the whole world, everyone worth knowing and investing in.
i am just short 2 weeks out of graduating (hopefully, i don't see why not). it's going to take a lot of finesse (IE: i have so much chemistry homework to do), and i may be here in january just to get some more work done. point being, a year from now, i won't be here. i won't be seeing the people i love here in this place, i'll be seeing them elsewhere. i'm alright with that for the most part simply because i find it very gratifying that i have nothing keeping me anywhere. i am tied to nothing, i have nothing pulling me in one direction or the other really. no job to stick around for, no classes to finish, no boyfriend to DTR over everything, just me and my closest, dearest friends i will keep.
that's kind of awesome.
man i love orange juice.
i'm sure most people, at some point in time, think this.
but i really do.
mine are the greatest.
yes, i know the greatest people in the whole world, everyone worth knowing and investing in.
i am just short 2 weeks out of graduating (hopefully, i don't see why not). it's going to take a lot of finesse (IE: i have so much chemistry homework to do), and i may be here in january just to get some more work done. point being, a year from now, i won't be here. i won't be seeing the people i love here in this place, i'll be seeing them elsewhere. i'm alright with that for the most part simply because i find it very gratifying that i have nothing keeping me anywhere. i am tied to nothing, i have nothing pulling me in one direction or the other really. no job to stick around for, no classes to finish, no boyfriend to DTR over everything, just me and my closest, dearest friends i will keep.
that's kind of awesome.
man i love orange juice.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
more blessings
subcategory: my family
all families have their shit and no family is perfect, there will always be issues between parents and their children, parents between each other, with extended family, with differing views, with the world - not to diminish or lessen anyone's specific experience, but just in saying. my family certainly has its shit as well, but i am so incredibly thankful for my family.
all of it. all 150 on one side and all 40 on the other - i love all of them. and why? because of our capacity for absorption. i know how very blessed i am to have the family that i do but the very greatest and most wonderful thing about them is that anyone can come in and be a part of it. every one of my friends who are hurting, who are scared, angry, dejected, unconfident and alone in their own families, i want so desperately to bring them home with me just so they can be absorbed, so they can be as fully and equally blessed as i am - because that is by far the most beautiful thing about it, the fullness and equality in that absorption and that taking in contributed by everyone, not only by my own small family, but by my extended family as well. there are so many of us, with so much shit, differences, disagreements, idiosyncrasies and experience that the best thing we know how to do is support and love each other and others and we will take any excuse we can get to get together with one another, we seriously have a gathering for EVERYTHING, which is AMAZING. i can honestly say that i would lay down my life for most of my family - mom, dad, especially brother and sister, grandparents, my godmother. i would do anything to help make these people better and happy and they would do the same for me without question.
plus, i don't mean to brag but we're all pretty much fucking awesome. i'm not just saying that, it's totally true (this coming from the least awesome member). with most families, i am sad to say, you can't all lay around in a huge pile trying to think up every possible synonym for the word poop.
subcategory: the manfriends
there is something certainly to be said about the kind of guys i am typically surrounded by at school, but i am glad to say that lately i have been in the company of some truly awesome men. granted, some of them are no longer here anymore and it's sad that a little time and distance has actually made me think about that but that aside, i am still glad to call them my friends. there is one in particular who made me think about and realize this and because of that i miss his company immensely, which in turn got me thinking of other men who are similar in their behavior, maturity, demeanor, respect, their ability to reciprocate and confidence in themselves. they are men who truly respect women, not in that 'i need to be a gentlemen' way, but in a truly respectful, meaningful, equal and invaluable way due to that maturity, self awareness, sensitivity and intelligence. they are great to talk to, hang out with, listen to and again, whether it be a coworker or friend or classmate, mandatory house boyfriend etc. there is something to be said about that because A: it's sadly highly critisized to be a true man like that and B: it's rare, most 'men' are actually still guys or boys.
so here's to my manfriends: thank you for being so solid, awesome examples/hope for the future of your sex, respectful and willing. thank you for watching project runway with us, making us food, bringing us our favorite beer, leaving us notes in our drawers and surprises in our lockers, asking us questions, opening up to us about your feelings and your lives, supporting and understanding where we are in our lives, telling us how much you love your girlfriend, telling us how you see us, actually have the balls to tell us how you care about us (in whatever way), not taking us for granted, bringing us vicks kleenex, nyquil and cigarettes, encouraging us, taking out our trash even though you know we can do it (just because you can), drinking with us, writing to us, listening to us and letting us listen to you, making us laugh, fixing shit and letting us fix shit, not being afraid to hug us, crying in front of us, being men.
now if you will excuse me, i have to go watch Return of the Jedi.
all families have their shit and no family is perfect, there will always be issues between parents and their children, parents between each other, with extended family, with differing views, with the world - not to diminish or lessen anyone's specific experience, but just in saying. my family certainly has its shit as well, but i am so incredibly thankful for my family.
all of it. all 150 on one side and all 40 on the other - i love all of them. and why? because of our capacity for absorption. i know how very blessed i am to have the family that i do but the very greatest and most wonderful thing about them is that anyone can come in and be a part of it. every one of my friends who are hurting, who are scared, angry, dejected, unconfident and alone in their own families, i want so desperately to bring them home with me just so they can be absorbed, so they can be as fully and equally blessed as i am - because that is by far the most beautiful thing about it, the fullness and equality in that absorption and that taking in contributed by everyone, not only by my own small family, but by my extended family as well. there are so many of us, with so much shit, differences, disagreements, idiosyncrasies and experience that the best thing we know how to do is support and love each other and others and we will take any excuse we can get to get together with one another, we seriously have a gathering for EVERYTHING, which is AMAZING. i can honestly say that i would lay down my life for most of my family - mom, dad, especially brother and sister, grandparents, my godmother. i would do anything to help make these people better and happy and they would do the same for me without question.
plus, i don't mean to brag but we're all pretty much fucking awesome. i'm not just saying that, it's totally true (this coming from the least awesome member). with most families, i am sad to say, you can't all lay around in a huge pile trying to think up every possible synonym for the word poop.
subcategory: the manfriends
there is something certainly to be said about the kind of guys i am typically surrounded by at school, but i am glad to say that lately i have been in the company of some truly awesome men. granted, some of them are no longer here anymore and it's sad that a little time and distance has actually made me think about that but that aside, i am still glad to call them my friends. there is one in particular who made me think about and realize this and because of that i miss his company immensely, which in turn got me thinking of other men who are similar in their behavior, maturity, demeanor, respect, their ability to reciprocate and confidence in themselves. they are men who truly respect women, not in that 'i need to be a gentlemen' way, but in a truly respectful, meaningful, equal and invaluable way due to that maturity, self awareness, sensitivity and intelligence. they are great to talk to, hang out with, listen to and again, whether it be a coworker or friend or classmate, mandatory house boyfriend etc. there is something to be said about that because A: it's sadly highly critisized to be a true man like that and B: it's rare, most 'men' are actually still guys or boys.
so here's to my manfriends: thank you for being so solid, awesome examples/hope for the future of your sex, respectful and willing. thank you for watching project runway with us, making us food, bringing us our favorite beer, leaving us notes in our drawers and surprises in our lockers, asking us questions, opening up to us about your feelings and your lives, supporting and understanding where we are in our lives, telling us how much you love your girlfriend, telling us how you see us, actually have the balls to tell us how you care about us (in whatever way), not taking us for granted, bringing us vicks kleenex, nyquil and cigarettes, encouraging us, taking out our trash even though you know we can do it (just because you can), drinking with us, writing to us, listening to us and letting us listen to you, making us laugh, fixing shit and letting us fix shit, not being afraid to hug us, crying in front of us, being men.
now if you will excuse me, i have to go watch Return of the Jedi.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
i am ill equipped to handle this all the time.
i can't even control, facilitate, organize, fix or mediate my own life.
i have to talk to myself constantly just to make sure i keep walking around and do what i need to be doing.
and that's just in everyday tasks.
i wish i had a safe place. with safe people. people to just let ME be for a little bit.
instead of letting me be for 5 minutes.
instead of asking me what to do when they know what to do.
instead of taking me for granted.
instead of not knowing me well enough by now to know what i need.
instead of not reciprocating or reciprocating out of shallowness.
instead of not wanting to put up with it.
do you think i want to put up with it?
but i do. out of love.
but the fucking peacemaker needs some fucking peace
and no one i know here can give me any peace
let alone know that it's what i need.
i need a bed with a huge ass comforter. a clean one, with white sheets in white room. with every book i've ever wanted to read on the bedside table, with a breeze coming through the window. i need my dog who loves me unconditionally without asking me about school money boys or what i'm going to do with my life. i need an americano made by someone i love and some scrambled fucking eggs with bacon on a cream cheesed bagel. i need a car full of gas and a record store and book store and an antique store and nice fucking guy to just walk around with that doesn't make me feel like a fucking idiot who can actually talk to me on some normal respectful uncomplicated plane as a woman and not just some girl.
too much to ask huh?
i can't even control, facilitate, organize, fix or mediate my own life.
i have to talk to myself constantly just to make sure i keep walking around and do what i need to be doing.
and that's just in everyday tasks.
i wish i had a safe place. with safe people. people to just let ME be for a little bit.
instead of letting me be for 5 minutes.
instead of asking me what to do when they know what to do.
instead of taking me for granted.
instead of not knowing me well enough by now to know what i need.
instead of not reciprocating or reciprocating out of shallowness.
instead of not wanting to put up with it.
do you think i want to put up with it?
but i do. out of love.
but the fucking peacemaker needs some fucking peace
and no one i know here can give me any peace
let alone know that it's what i need.
i need a bed with a huge ass comforter. a clean one, with white sheets in white room. with every book i've ever wanted to read on the bedside table, with a breeze coming through the window. i need my dog who loves me unconditionally without asking me about school money boys or what i'm going to do with my life. i need an americano made by someone i love and some scrambled fucking eggs with bacon on a cream cheesed bagel. i need a car full of gas and a record store and book store and an antique store and nice fucking guy to just walk around with that doesn't make me feel like a fucking idiot who can actually talk to me on some normal respectful uncomplicated plane as a woman and not just some girl.
too much to ask huh?
Sunday, November 8, 2009
blessings
part one:
subcategory: my girlfriends
when i was a sophomore here, basically one of the worst years and the best years i've ever experienced, i was going to transfer to art school, where i would have no doubt, in the best terminology, either would have become an extreme fuck up or a huge hermit basket case with dogs (the latter might still happen...) anyway, i stuck around because even though that was the worst year in my college career, it was also the year that i learned the most from and a lot of that learning stemmed from the solid friendships that i developed with a lot of awesome women here. i mention this year because i know that through those friendships, i became much more confident in myself but also it taught me and allowed me to build really solid friendships after the fact. i know so many great women who go to school here, who live here etc. not only am i blessed with beautiful strong smart housemates, but i am blessed to say that every woman that i have thus since formed friendships have been really solid, whether they be my housemates, my friends, my art peers, my coworkers or a combination - every one of my closest girlfriends are all strong, confident, talented, intelligent, beautiful, hilarious, mature, compassionate, supportive, respectful, open-minded, healing women. they are not girls, they are women. and i don't mean to get bitchy or even generalize, but most guys here don't even know what that is or how to handle it, it's not seen as confidence or experience or wisdom or depth of character, its seen as baggage or craziness. any guy here would be lucky to have any of these women as a friend or even an acquaintance, it's just a sad fact that pretty much most guys here are still boys who want girls, who want them a certain way, to look a certain way, to have a certain thing about them, etc. some fucked up standard because they don't know what a woman is and how blessed they would be to have one like any of my girlfriends. we are just so blessed (though frustrating) to be at a point where we know that we are women, not girls. girls go to boys with expectations and boys meet them there with equal expectations without any of the moving. women meet men half way because both are willing to.
my girlfriends, they know who they are, they know what they've been through and they have faced it and allowed it to contribute to their growth and their person and have built such a solid character and confidence with it and i am honored and blessed to have such confidants.
coming soon, part two
subcategory: my girlfriends
when i was a sophomore here, basically one of the worst years and the best years i've ever experienced, i was going to transfer to art school, where i would have no doubt, in the best terminology, either would have become an extreme fuck up or a huge hermit basket case with dogs (the latter might still happen...) anyway, i stuck around because even though that was the worst year in my college career, it was also the year that i learned the most from and a lot of that learning stemmed from the solid friendships that i developed with a lot of awesome women here. i mention this year because i know that through those friendships, i became much more confident in myself but also it taught me and allowed me to build really solid friendships after the fact. i know so many great women who go to school here, who live here etc. not only am i blessed with beautiful strong smart housemates, but i am blessed to say that every woman that i have thus since formed friendships have been really solid, whether they be my housemates, my friends, my art peers, my coworkers or a combination - every one of my closest girlfriends are all strong, confident, talented, intelligent, beautiful, hilarious, mature, compassionate, supportive, respectful, open-minded, healing women. they are not girls, they are women. and i don't mean to get bitchy or even generalize, but most guys here don't even know what that is or how to handle it, it's not seen as confidence or experience or wisdom or depth of character, its seen as baggage or craziness. any guy here would be lucky to have any of these women as a friend or even an acquaintance, it's just a sad fact that pretty much most guys here are still boys who want girls, who want them a certain way, to look a certain way, to have a certain thing about them, etc. some fucked up standard because they don't know what a woman is and how blessed they would be to have one like any of my girlfriends. we are just so blessed (though frustrating) to be at a point where we know that we are women, not girls. girls go to boys with expectations and boys meet them there with equal expectations without any of the moving. women meet men half way because both are willing to.
my girlfriends, they know who they are, they know what they've been through and they have faced it and allowed it to contribute to their growth and their person and have built such a solid character and confidence with it and i am honored and blessed to have such confidants.
coming soon, part two
Monday, October 5, 2009
brothers
my brother is finally coming to visit me this weekend.
he is 18 months younger than myself and i miss him tremendously every day.
can i just share how incredibly happy and excited that makes me?
he is 18 months younger than myself and i miss him tremendously every day.
can i just share how incredibly happy and excited that makes me?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
wowzerz
i have grown up a lot.
i was thinking about even just where i was a year ago, two years ago, and typically, how much has happened since then and i realized that i have grown a lot as a person.
i have become more comfortable in my own skin to the point where i might just be content staying in it for a bit longer.
many little things have happened which usually become bigger things as time progresses. those little things become more important and the important things become minimal and in between there's this point of contentment, however brief.
i am thankful for that.
life is about learning and to learn, you have to experience and there are so many different ways to experience things because each person is different: it's not black and white, all or nothing. you don't need to go full force to experience something or to have one. you put yourself out there or you don't, just be aware of your thoughts and your actions and their benefits. i haven't really had many of what one would call 'an experience', but i process everything that happens to me, from waking up to eating to speaking to creating to loving to sleeping - i am aware that i process. i process the hell out of everything.
and that works for me.
i have grown and i have changed and it doesn't matter if any one else knows or notices because i know, i notice and its been working out well. i used to be a much more complicated person. complicated as in unconfident, overanalyzing and critical, i would make things hard for myself sometimes, consciously or not.
i still do some of those things, i'm still critical and i overthink a lot, but i'm simpler.
i'm working on becoming basic.
basic, forward ad guilt free.
i never thought i'd be here.
i have grown up a lot.
i was thinking about even just where i was a year ago, two years ago, and typically, how much has happened since then and i realized that i have grown a lot as a person.
i have become more comfortable in my own skin to the point where i might just be content staying in it for a bit longer.
many little things have happened which usually become bigger things as time progresses. those little things become more important and the important things become minimal and in between there's this point of contentment, however brief.
i am thankful for that.
life is about learning and to learn, you have to experience and there are so many different ways to experience things because each person is different: it's not black and white, all or nothing. you don't need to go full force to experience something or to have one. you put yourself out there or you don't, just be aware of your thoughts and your actions and their benefits. i haven't really had many of what one would call 'an experience', but i process everything that happens to me, from waking up to eating to speaking to creating to loving to sleeping - i am aware that i process. i process the hell out of everything.
and that works for me.
i have grown and i have changed and it doesn't matter if any one else knows or notices because i know, i notice and its been working out well. i used to be a much more complicated person. complicated as in unconfident, overanalyzing and critical, i would make things hard for myself sometimes, consciously or not.
i still do some of those things, i'm still critical and i overthink a lot, but i'm simpler.
i'm working on becoming basic.
basic, forward ad guilt free.
i never thought i'd be here.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
i've heard a lot of people complaining lately "yeah, it's been so cool it's like summer wasn't even here..." whine whine whine
i'm loving this weather personally, the quicker it gets cooler the happier i tend to become.
it's a time for breaking out the tegan and sara along with my dad's flannel shirt and driving around with my bestie.
i am back in the studio, which always makes me happy and i am reminded of the certainty i feel when i'm in that room. i am not certain of very much, i am not supposed to be, nor do i expect it, but it brings me great comfort and a lot of joy working prints and i am certain of its place in my existence and where it will take me.
autumn in upon us soon and autumn for me tends to be bittersweet in many ways. i have my best times and my worst times in the fall it seems and it's been that way since my freshmen year here - some of it probably has to do with this place but i know a lot of it is the fact that a lot of my harder experiences have occurred in the months of autumn. i have physically lost people that i love, i have grown distant in every other way to others, the non communication of summer just carrying over sometimes, and i have a tendency to grow lost and distant with myself a little bit and my mind tends to go to dark places. this is a part of me all throughout the year but it is most apparent and menacing come autumn. i am aware of this and in years past i have just prepared myself for it knowing it will come full on.
But, this summer, knowing this would be coming, i started really thinking about where these dark places were rooted and what causes them to grow - in a way, what do i do to encourage their fruition and what am i not doing to keep them from it? Granted, ones feelings are natural and never wrong (as the wise woman says) and i know that they are valid and explicable, but basically, i realized (as cliche as it is) that when my mind and heart goes to these places, the depression, the deprecation, the confusion, nervousness, lostness, uncertainty, restlessness and dissatisfaction that seems to blanket my life, i am clearly loving something (any aspect of that) more than i love God. and it's not an issue of loving really, but more of a familiarity with a dark cycle that gives me some sort of control. that's what it comes down to, control.
and thats what i've been thinking about. control. i have a really hard time with control and by control i mean Grace. that's all i have been thinking about these past few months: Grace. what Grace actually means, which is complete, unconditional surrender of control over to God's Providence. when it comes to Providence and Grace, i am the rebellious pistol of a child with everything in them fighting the ones they love just out of unfamiliarity, fear, guilt, vulnerability and hence rebellion. Rebellion grows out of that fear to trust, because when that control or lack of trust is in YOUR hands, at least the outcome is somewhat known or expected.
the best and easiest personal example of this is simply getting back to campus, seeing all the couples frolic around and feeling bitter and depressed because i can't even get a guy i see everyday to look me in the eye, let alone speak to me. this bitterness adds to all of this, and all of this feeds on it - what's wrong with ME? am i completely disgusting or unapproachable? how is the acceptance of grace handle this? i'm loving that bitterness and trusting in it more than i trust God, i would rather be bitter and angry and hateful and hurtful towards myself and my loneliness than come to the full realization that i will always be lonely until i live out the fact that i will never be able to love anyone or be with anyone properly and in the way i want until i know that i love and want to be with God that way, and that God loves and wants to be with me and that i love myself that way. that is just the basic human truth of the matter.
does that make sense? some of you might be thinking 'oh shit, she's gone to the dark side with the Captivating bullshit', but that's not what i mean and this is just one of the more visual examples of what i'm trying to explain. and i know it's the truth, i know i will never be happy with anything until i learn to fully abandon self and accept this Grace and trust in this Providence in all aspects of my life. which is fucking hard for anyone, myself included since there are maybe only 5 people in the whole world who actually know me through and through. it is my first instinct, always, always, always, to be someone other than myself with someone that i meet or even hang out with and it is a very rare rare RARE instance when i feel comfortable enough with someone who hardly knows me to be my person - and you know it if you've seen it. it usually takes years. this included God.
so i am embarking on this fall with that in my mind, i need to keep it in mind and work towards it all year. it will be difficult giving that up, but i need to and thankfully and blessedly, i live with 3 beautiful wonderful girls who know me the best, who support this and support and love me unconditionally even after knowing all of this. i will have my bad days, days akin to last fall and previous experiences and they will suck and there will be people who won't understand and position away from me - change and growth tend to do that in ones life, growing in love and self awareness. due to some complications from last semester, i am going to do another show and not one through the school, which is excellent, a series of woodcuts dealing with these states of rebelliousness and acceptance involved in Grace. i have to find my own venue, make my own frames, put on my own show, probably somewhere in muncie and i am very excited to do that again, as stressful as it was. some of you didn't really know me last january, but it was the best and the most stressful month of my life - like being physically dead but mentally, emotionally and metaphysically alive.
i am oddly looking forward to that.
i'm loving this weather personally, the quicker it gets cooler the happier i tend to become.
it's a time for breaking out the tegan and sara along with my dad's flannel shirt and driving around with my bestie.
i am back in the studio, which always makes me happy and i am reminded of the certainty i feel when i'm in that room. i am not certain of very much, i am not supposed to be, nor do i expect it, but it brings me great comfort and a lot of joy working prints and i am certain of its place in my existence and where it will take me.
autumn in upon us soon and autumn for me tends to be bittersweet in many ways. i have my best times and my worst times in the fall it seems and it's been that way since my freshmen year here - some of it probably has to do with this place but i know a lot of it is the fact that a lot of my harder experiences have occurred in the months of autumn. i have physically lost people that i love, i have grown distant in every other way to others, the non communication of summer just carrying over sometimes, and i have a tendency to grow lost and distant with myself a little bit and my mind tends to go to dark places. this is a part of me all throughout the year but it is most apparent and menacing come autumn. i am aware of this and in years past i have just prepared myself for it knowing it will come full on.
But, this summer, knowing this would be coming, i started really thinking about where these dark places were rooted and what causes them to grow - in a way, what do i do to encourage their fruition and what am i not doing to keep them from it? Granted, ones feelings are natural and never wrong (as the wise woman says) and i know that they are valid and explicable, but basically, i realized (as cliche as it is) that when my mind and heart goes to these places, the depression, the deprecation, the confusion, nervousness, lostness, uncertainty, restlessness and dissatisfaction that seems to blanket my life, i am clearly loving something (any aspect of that) more than i love God. and it's not an issue of loving really, but more of a familiarity with a dark cycle that gives me some sort of control. that's what it comes down to, control.
and thats what i've been thinking about. control. i have a really hard time with control and by control i mean Grace. that's all i have been thinking about these past few months: Grace. what Grace actually means, which is complete, unconditional surrender of control over to God's Providence. when it comes to Providence and Grace, i am the rebellious pistol of a child with everything in them fighting the ones they love just out of unfamiliarity, fear, guilt, vulnerability and hence rebellion. Rebellion grows out of that fear to trust, because when that control or lack of trust is in YOUR hands, at least the outcome is somewhat known or expected.
the best and easiest personal example of this is simply getting back to campus, seeing all the couples frolic around and feeling bitter and depressed because i can't even get a guy i see everyday to look me in the eye, let alone speak to me. this bitterness adds to all of this, and all of this feeds on it - what's wrong with ME? am i completely disgusting or unapproachable? how is the acceptance of grace handle this? i'm loving that bitterness and trusting in it more than i trust God, i would rather be bitter and angry and hateful and hurtful towards myself and my loneliness than come to the full realization that i will always be lonely until i live out the fact that i will never be able to love anyone or be with anyone properly and in the way i want until i know that i love and want to be with God that way, and that God loves and wants to be with me and that i love myself that way. that is just the basic human truth of the matter.
does that make sense? some of you might be thinking 'oh shit, she's gone to the dark side with the Captivating bullshit', but that's not what i mean and this is just one of the more visual examples of what i'm trying to explain. and i know it's the truth, i know i will never be happy with anything until i learn to fully abandon self and accept this Grace and trust in this Providence in all aspects of my life. which is fucking hard for anyone, myself included since there are maybe only 5 people in the whole world who actually know me through and through. it is my first instinct, always, always, always, to be someone other than myself with someone that i meet or even hang out with and it is a very rare rare RARE instance when i feel comfortable enough with someone who hardly knows me to be my person - and you know it if you've seen it. it usually takes years. this included God.
so i am embarking on this fall with that in my mind, i need to keep it in mind and work towards it all year. it will be difficult giving that up, but i need to and thankfully and blessedly, i live with 3 beautiful wonderful girls who know me the best, who support this and support and love me unconditionally even after knowing all of this. i will have my bad days, days akin to last fall and previous experiences and they will suck and there will be people who won't understand and position away from me - change and growth tend to do that in ones life, growing in love and self awareness. due to some complications from last semester, i am going to do another show and not one through the school, which is excellent, a series of woodcuts dealing with these states of rebelliousness and acceptance involved in Grace. i have to find my own venue, make my own frames, put on my own show, probably somewhere in muncie and i am very excited to do that again, as stressful as it was. some of you didn't really know me last january, but it was the best and the most stressful month of my life - like being physically dead but mentally, emotionally and metaphysically alive.
i am oddly looking forward to that.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
i'll even cook for you
FRIENDS!
huzzay
print practicum = solid. i cannot wait.
t-shirts. t shirts galore. letterpress. woodcuts. back to getting big guns from grinding stones.
folk dancing :(
payne's! :)
general chemistry :) / :(
we don't know yet
hopefully visiting my brother soon.
:) :) :)
cooking and trying out new recipes on my roomies (and honorary housemans)
the song 'Sexy MF' by Prince. it brings me great joy.
bestie belting out Celine in the car = awesome FOREVER.
uncorking a Trappist beverage and the cork NOT shooting off into oblivion this time.
huzzay
print practicum = solid. i cannot wait.
t-shirts. t shirts galore. letterpress. woodcuts. back to getting big guns from grinding stones.
folk dancing :(
payne's! :)
general chemistry :) / :(
we don't know yet
hopefully visiting my brother soon.
:) :) :)
cooking and trying out new recipes on my roomies (and honorary housemans)
the song 'Sexy MF' by Prince. it brings me great joy.
bestie belting out Celine in the car = awesome FOREVER.
uncorking a Trappist beverage and the cork NOT shooting off into oblivion this time.
Monday, August 17, 2009
people are tricky
hello:update
back at school - in our man cottage (i will never tire of calling it that...we're making a sign) - and i am back to be in the company of some of my fine young ladies whom i missed very much (as well as A gentlemen, our 5th house member).
its weird being back here. its kind of hard in a way because there are a lot of people i am expecting to see here that i will actually never see here again. i have not gotten used to that yet and i don't like thinking about it. it makes me think about last year, about how so much and not so much can happen in a years time, especially the smallest unexpected things. i think about last year and last spring semester because in a way, i spent the past 4 years building up this house of cards because i am a person who puts people and things in a particular placement in my life and i expect them to stick and stay there, unmoved. some people, those i am closest with, will always be there and always be around but the past year, others had a tendency to shift from their appointed positions, moved around a little bit, different placement and before i know it i'm playing fucking 52 pick-up.
cheesy analogy i know, but its true.
my relationships and contexts with people have changed and a lot of those people are no longer here. some of them will be around, but i don't know where to place them. should i attempt to build another house, set these remaining people in a certain placement and context of my life simply because its easy? less effort? less bullshit? less not saying what we're thinking and more thinking about what we're saying?
or do i just want to let everyone move about freely, find their own placement based on their own levels of investment and vulnerability. instead of trying to fit one into a space they don't even know their in, where, without knowing, they don't know what is required or expected or hoped for and hence the bullshit begins.
i try not to expect a lot from people and i'm a pretty simple person. it doesn't take much to please me, let alone make me laugh, but i think that this past year and especially this past semester and summer, i have equally expected to much as well as too little. to be expectant is to be exhausted and exhausting. last year required a lot of sifting and protection, defense.
i will probably continue that defense to be honest.
vulnerability is way too difficult to be with just anyone. i just want to get out of here as quick as i can, and i want to spend that time with the people i am closest to, the people i know, spending my time getting closer and remaining closer to them. after printmaking, i don't have it in me to invest in anything more than that. i don't want to meet any knew people, i don't want to have to silently convince any person that i want to know them better and that i am worth knowing, let alone worry about the bullshit damage control of I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU or YOU ARE TOO INTIMIDATING OF A GIRL. i don't have to want to sit there are try and figure out what people are thinking, say what you want and say what you mean and mean what you say.
come september i start applying for internships and apprenticeships. i am looking mostly in the upper east coast/new england area and that is mostly where i intend to go. i do not know what will happen from now until then, i do not know who and what will change and i'm not anticipating or expecting anything. i am just going to go about my life, living in my house, hanging out with my bestie and my girls and my boys, printmaking, cooking, drinking some beer and just hanging out and for one semester of my college career just letting myself BE. i will not try to foresee my future, i will not try to make anything happen that is not meant to, i will not over-analyze, deprecate or over-think, i will just let myself be and whatever happens happens. in anything.
that is where i'm at, if you're sticking around and if you're getting closer, thats great. thats really really great and i'm glad to have you in my life. if you're not, you're not and thats fine.
back at school - in our man cottage (i will never tire of calling it that...we're making a sign) - and i am back to be in the company of some of my fine young ladies whom i missed very much (as well as A gentlemen, our 5th house member).
its weird being back here. its kind of hard in a way because there are a lot of people i am expecting to see here that i will actually never see here again. i have not gotten used to that yet and i don't like thinking about it. it makes me think about last year, about how so much and not so much can happen in a years time, especially the smallest unexpected things. i think about last year and last spring semester because in a way, i spent the past 4 years building up this house of cards because i am a person who puts people and things in a particular placement in my life and i expect them to stick and stay there, unmoved. some people, those i am closest with, will always be there and always be around but the past year, others had a tendency to shift from their appointed positions, moved around a little bit, different placement and before i know it i'm playing fucking 52 pick-up.
cheesy analogy i know, but its true.
my relationships and contexts with people have changed and a lot of those people are no longer here. some of them will be around, but i don't know where to place them. should i attempt to build another house, set these remaining people in a certain placement and context of my life simply because its easy? less effort? less bullshit? less not saying what we're thinking and more thinking about what we're saying?
or do i just want to let everyone move about freely, find their own placement based on their own levels of investment and vulnerability. instead of trying to fit one into a space they don't even know their in, where, without knowing, they don't know what is required or expected or hoped for and hence the bullshit begins.
i try not to expect a lot from people and i'm a pretty simple person. it doesn't take much to please me, let alone make me laugh, but i think that this past year and especially this past semester and summer, i have equally expected to much as well as too little. to be expectant is to be exhausted and exhausting. last year required a lot of sifting and protection, defense.
i will probably continue that defense to be honest.
vulnerability is way too difficult to be with just anyone. i just want to get out of here as quick as i can, and i want to spend that time with the people i am closest to, the people i know, spending my time getting closer and remaining closer to them. after printmaking, i don't have it in me to invest in anything more than that. i don't want to meet any knew people, i don't want to have to silently convince any person that i want to know them better and that i am worth knowing, let alone worry about the bullshit damage control of I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU or YOU ARE TOO INTIMIDATING OF A GIRL. i don't have to want to sit there are try and figure out what people are thinking, say what you want and say what you mean and mean what you say.
come september i start applying for internships and apprenticeships. i am looking mostly in the upper east coast/new england area and that is mostly where i intend to go. i do not know what will happen from now until then, i do not know who and what will change and i'm not anticipating or expecting anything. i am just going to go about my life, living in my house, hanging out with my bestie and my girls and my boys, printmaking, cooking, drinking some beer and just hanging out and for one semester of my college career just letting myself BE. i will not try to foresee my future, i will not try to make anything happen that is not meant to, i will not over-analyze, deprecate or over-think, i will just let myself be and whatever happens happens. in anything.
that is where i'm at, if you're sticking around and if you're getting closer, thats great. thats really really great and i'm glad to have you in my life. if you're not, you're not and thats fine.
Friday, June 12, 2009
other summer goals (more meaningful "life accomplishments" goals):
1. record some music. a few songs at least. make cd's. send them to a select few or let maybe a select few hear them.
2. take pictures of my entire portfolio and start another blog/site entirely about that. (have you seen the portfolio? it's a beast. oh jeez marge...)
3. quit bitching and complaining. i miss everyone, let us leave it at that and some more than others and that is always going to be complicated and the case. *see numero cinco
4. spend more time outside in my yard and woods instead of inside not really doing anything.
5. going out on more limbs IE: taking some more risks in a lot of ways. i don't really do that, especially with people, but there's no time like the present so beware, you might be hearing a declaration of love soon (jkjk...or am i?)
6. the other day i am fairly certain i realized my life's goal and ambition. what i want to work towards, pursue and spend the next 10 year working shitty jobs trying to accomplish. i know what it is, i know what i want it to be, i know what it will be called. how to get to it is not completely certain yet. but even just thinking about this prospect gets me so damn excited that i will do anything to make sure it can come to fruition.
that is all. the next time i blog will be an end of the summer update on these goals.
to everyone i miss, i love and miss you. i think of you constantly and send good things your way whether that be in the mail, thoughts, prayers or high esteem. i hope you are well and that you are happy and trying to be happy and enjoying your days.
until next time, my best
1. record some music. a few songs at least. make cd's. send them to a select few or let maybe a select few hear them.
2. take pictures of my entire portfolio and start another blog/site entirely about that. (have you seen the portfolio? it's a beast. oh jeez marge...)
3. quit bitching and complaining. i miss everyone, let us leave it at that and some more than others and that is always going to be complicated and the case. *see numero cinco
4. spend more time outside in my yard and woods instead of inside not really doing anything.
5. going out on more limbs IE: taking some more risks in a lot of ways. i don't really do that, especially with people, but there's no time like the present so beware, you might be hearing a declaration of love soon (jkjk...or am i?)
6. the other day i am fairly certain i realized my life's goal and ambition. what i want to work towards, pursue and spend the next 10 year working shitty jobs trying to accomplish. i know what it is, i know what i want it to be, i know what it will be called. how to get to it is not completely certain yet. but even just thinking about this prospect gets me so damn excited that i will do anything to make sure it can come to fruition.
that is all. the next time i blog will be an end of the summer update on these goals.
to everyone i miss, i love and miss you. i think of you constantly and send good things your way whether that be in the mail, thoughts, prayers or high esteem. i hope you are well and that you are happy and trying to be happy and enjoying your days.
until next time, my best
Saturday, May 30, 2009
if it's gonna be at all...
what my summer will hopefully be all about
1. writing letters. i like to write letters. if you want letters and are good at writing them, send me your address. i love writing to people and having a continuous long distance discussion - at least for me, its more meaningful and i can be more genuine and articulate. i'm terrible on the phone, but i'm pretty ok in writing. i like having people to write to and respond to.
2. finally finishing Les Miserables. i have started this book many times and i'll be damned if i don't get through it, and many others, this summer. cosette i'm talking to you!
3. my herb garden. go ahead. make a week joke. whatever. lemon verbena, basil, dill, cilantro, parsley, thyme, sage, chive, lavender. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
4. tomatoes. and blt or belt sandwiches.
5. woodcuts.
6. KYACKING oh my GOSH so excited.
7. getting up to syracuse to visit elizabeth.
8. reading more books on philosophy and religion and space time. list coming soon.
9. the 4th annual dolores and humbert doomed romance picnic.
10. NOT drinking Dr. Pepper with cherry. really now, do we have to take away your Ph.D just because you feel like fucking around with one of your already 23 flavors? if its already good, don't touch it.
11. hiking and bonfires in my backyard.
12. riding my bike
13. Great Lakes Grassroots Ale. hello beautiful.
14. working on being a more articulate genuine person. i recently realized that i left the constant company of someone who, whenever i was around them, i wanted to better myself, i wanted to better all the things i don't really like or that i wish were better, in action, in words, in working, in anything i can. they just made me think more about how to better myself. i'm going to try working on those things.
1. writing letters. i like to write letters. if you want letters and are good at writing them, send me your address. i love writing to people and having a continuous long distance discussion - at least for me, its more meaningful and i can be more genuine and articulate. i'm terrible on the phone, but i'm pretty ok in writing. i like having people to write to and respond to.
2. finally finishing Les Miserables. i have started this book many times and i'll be damned if i don't get through it, and many others, this summer. cosette i'm talking to you!
3. my herb garden. go ahead. make a week joke. whatever. lemon verbena, basil, dill, cilantro, parsley, thyme, sage, chive, lavender. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
4. tomatoes. and blt or belt sandwiches.
5. woodcuts.
6. KYACKING oh my GOSH so excited.
7. getting up to syracuse to visit elizabeth.
8. reading more books on philosophy and religion and space time. list coming soon.
9. the 4th annual dolores and humbert doomed romance picnic.
10. NOT drinking Dr. Pepper with cherry. really now, do we have to take away your Ph.D just because you feel like fucking around with one of your already 23 flavors? if its already good, don't touch it.
11. hiking and bonfires in my backyard.
12. riding my bike
13. Great Lakes Grassroots Ale. hello beautiful.
14. working on being a more articulate genuine person. i recently realized that i left the constant company of someone who, whenever i was around them, i wanted to better myself, i wanted to better all the things i don't really like or that i wish were better, in action, in words, in working, in anything i can. they just made me think more about how to better myself. i'm going to try working on those things.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
the meteorite
a small list of things that inspire me, that i'm thankful for, that i love/really really like, that make me happy: a reminder
1. dogs
2. sweaters
3. colder weather
4. cranberry bogs
5. prints
6. kurt vonnegut
7. kerouac (mmmm <3)
8. egg sandwiches with hummus/breakfast
9. beer. its probably my equivalent to getting me a diamond. britty you have showered me with metaphorical diamonds.
10. jeff buckley (the only man i would have ever married)** just a little note, i seriously love this man. a lot. so much so that i am honestly considering making a love for him a standard for any guy i would ever consider dating. i think of it as a "weed out" standard.
11. another weed out standard? an aversion to true feminism. did i say nazi feminism? i hate men feminism? no. true feminism = IE i respect women as my equals in every aspect not i respect them in that "christian" closeted-misogynist i'm clearly ignorant on what feminism really means way. so basically, if you were to read this and roll your eyes and think "silly extremist" you're out. if you don't have the ability to swallow your pride and actually read and learn what feminism really is because it terrifies you or you think you're too good for it? you're out.
true feminism.
12. which leads me to, kathleen hannah.
13. french films. i watched Amelie and Love Me If You Dare today and i really hope that It's Not Me, I Swear eventually comes out on some public form of viewing or i will probably cry a lot.
14. french press coffee in the studio with one person or no one there.
15. the smell of etching ink.
16. my family. they are awesome and anyone who marries into this family is one lucky SOB and they don't even know it.
17. bird calls early in the morning
18. people who truly make the effort to get to know others regardless of what personally hinders them.
19. the fact that i know, without any intention of sounding or being arrogant,vain or immodest that i have a desire to nurture people. i have to do it, i have to take care of people i care about the best that i can and i have to help them. this is my true demeanor and i know i was made to be that way. i have a hard time conveying it to others (or they just have a hard time seeing it) but actually most actions i do are out of a need to be gentle, to help but you can't possibly know this unless you're around me everyday or know me very well. i've been trying to convey this more in any way or medium i can.
20. modesty is the most underrated trait in any person and i value it immensely
21. my closest and dearest friends who i will soon be missing quite horribly.
22. keeping in touch via snail mail. its classic and wonderful and actually takes time and effort.
1. dogs
2. sweaters
3. colder weather
4. cranberry bogs
5. prints
6. kurt vonnegut
7. kerouac (mmmm <3)
8. egg sandwiches with hummus/breakfast
9. beer. its probably my equivalent to getting me a diamond. britty you have showered me with metaphorical diamonds.
10. jeff buckley (the only man i would have ever married)** just a little note, i seriously love this man. a lot. so much so that i am honestly considering making a love for him a standard for any guy i would ever consider dating. i think of it as a "weed out" standard.
11. another weed out standard? an aversion to true feminism. did i say nazi feminism? i hate men feminism? no. true feminism = IE i respect women as my equals in every aspect not i respect them in that "christian" closeted-misogynist i'm clearly ignorant on what feminism really means way. so basically, if you were to read this and roll your eyes and think "silly extremist" you're out. if you don't have the ability to swallow your pride and actually read and learn what feminism really is because it terrifies you or you think you're too good for it? you're out.
true feminism.
12. which leads me to, kathleen hannah.
13. french films. i watched Amelie and Love Me If You Dare today and i really hope that It's Not Me, I Swear eventually comes out on some public form of viewing or i will probably cry a lot.
14. french press coffee in the studio with one person or no one there.
15. the smell of etching ink.
16. my family. they are awesome and anyone who marries into this family is one lucky SOB and they don't even know it.
17. bird calls early in the morning
18. people who truly make the effort to get to know others regardless of what personally hinders them.
19. the fact that i know, without any intention of sounding or being arrogant,vain or immodest that i have a desire to nurture people. i have to do it, i have to take care of people i care about the best that i can and i have to help them. this is my true demeanor and i know i was made to be that way. i have a hard time conveying it to others (or they just have a hard time seeing it) but actually most actions i do are out of a need to be gentle, to help but you can't possibly know this unless you're around me everyday or know me very well. i've been trying to convey this more in any way or medium i can.
20. modesty is the most underrated trait in any person and i value it immensely
21. my closest and dearest friends who i will soon be missing quite horribly.
22. keeping in touch via snail mail. its classic and wonderful and actually takes time and effort.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
4.28.2007
"i want to tell you, to let you know somehow, without feeling trite or invalidating you in any way that i know exactly how you feel.
i want to tell you that i know what it feels like to somehow be exhausted by your own life and wish for still nothingness because it requires nothing from you. it doesn't require you to be a certain way or act a certain way or speak, hear, feel, see, love, like, hate a certain way. it doesn't require you to hide or stifle or bury parts of yourself, it doesn't even require you to be you. it doesn't require to think or act on things you should or should not, it doesn't require internal or external conflict, or apathy or action or routine.
nothingness requires nothing.
it is the peaceful, healthy, natural non-existence of anything that is apart of your everyday living."
i'm pretty sure my eternal restlessness will most likely be my demise.
or emphysema.
try.
we're not idiots.
so stop stopping yourself.
i want to tell you that i know what it feels like to somehow be exhausted by your own life and wish for still nothingness because it requires nothing from you. it doesn't require you to be a certain way or act a certain way or speak, hear, feel, see, love, like, hate a certain way. it doesn't require you to hide or stifle or bury parts of yourself, it doesn't even require you to be you. it doesn't require to think or act on things you should or should not, it doesn't require internal or external conflict, or apathy or action or routine.
nothingness requires nothing.
it is the peaceful, healthy, natural non-existence of anything that is apart of your everyday living."
i'm pretty sure my eternal restlessness will most likely be my demise.
or emphysema.
try.
we're not idiots.
so stop stopping yourself.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
until the poets run out of things to write
i am so much older now.
i am glad of you. i am glad i know you, i am glad i care about you and i'm glad i respect you.
i'm glad that you know me, that you respect me and i'm glad that you are glad.
because i don't respect anyone in the same way i respect you, i don't think i ever have in quite the same way and i doubt i ever will.
thank you for being who you are and how you are because i have come to realize that i couldn't nor wouldn't have you any other way. i was younger once and i used to make everyone another way because it was easier to see them my way then to see them as who they were. and when they weren't that way, it was really easy to become bitter and resent them for making me feel that way. some people are very guarded people and there are many different ways to guard yourself and it is very foolish to assume that someone isn't. everyone has their way. their way of speaking and walking and interacting and letting you know that they care about you and sometimes it takes a while to recognize but that doesn't make it any less valuable than if they spit it out on day one.
but make sure they know.
because everyone needs that reassurance.
and you are making sure i know in your way.
and i am glad to say that i know that, that i can finally see it. i know your way.
it makes me very happy because it's where i've always wanted to be.
don't ever make a guy or girl unintentionally make you bitter.
do you know what that does to a person? it's unfair. because why would you willingly and openly care about someone if you know they were trying to make you bitter? no one you can truly care about would ever make you feel that way on purpose. do you see what i'm saying? we usually do it to ourselves. it's easy to let that sit in there and stew into angst and bitterness because it's so much easier and more satisfying to feel shitty than to try and make yourself feel good. its easier to resolve feeling that way to someone making us feel that way when in actuality they have no idea how we're feeling in the first place because, for whatever reason, we did not tell them.
this is going to sound very feminine (surprise! i'm a woman) and i don't mean to imply that we must talk about our feelings all the time but there is no valid excuse to not tell someone how to feel about them if you care about them at all in any sense of the word, even if you think they are really great or maybe just a little odd and especially if you are making them unintentionally make you bitter. how old you are, where you're at, how articulate you are, fear of consequence and how much time you have or don't have are just shitty excuses for rationalization. and its a shitty thing to do to yourself and to other people.
i'm not that girl, so don't make me that girl.
i am glad of you. i am glad i know you, i am glad i care about you and i'm glad i respect you.
i'm glad that you know me, that you respect me and i'm glad that you are glad.
because i don't respect anyone in the same way i respect you, i don't think i ever have in quite the same way and i doubt i ever will.
thank you for being who you are and how you are because i have come to realize that i couldn't nor wouldn't have you any other way. i was younger once and i used to make everyone another way because it was easier to see them my way then to see them as who they were. and when they weren't that way, it was really easy to become bitter and resent them for making me feel that way. some people are very guarded people and there are many different ways to guard yourself and it is very foolish to assume that someone isn't. everyone has their way. their way of speaking and walking and interacting and letting you know that they care about you and sometimes it takes a while to recognize but that doesn't make it any less valuable than if they spit it out on day one.
but make sure they know.
because everyone needs that reassurance.
and you are making sure i know in your way.
and i am glad to say that i know that, that i can finally see it. i know your way.
it makes me very happy because it's where i've always wanted to be.
don't ever make a guy or girl unintentionally make you bitter.
do you know what that does to a person? it's unfair. because why would you willingly and openly care about someone if you know they were trying to make you bitter? no one you can truly care about would ever make you feel that way on purpose. do you see what i'm saying? we usually do it to ourselves. it's easy to let that sit in there and stew into angst and bitterness because it's so much easier and more satisfying to feel shitty than to try and make yourself feel good. its easier to resolve feeling that way to someone making us feel that way when in actuality they have no idea how we're feeling in the first place because, for whatever reason, we did not tell them.
this is going to sound very feminine (surprise! i'm a woman) and i don't mean to imply that we must talk about our feelings all the time but there is no valid excuse to not tell someone how to feel about them if you care about them at all in any sense of the word, even if you think they are really great or maybe just a little odd and especially if you are making them unintentionally make you bitter. how old you are, where you're at, how articulate you are, fear of consequence and how much time you have or don't have are just shitty excuses for rationalization. and its a shitty thing to do to yourself and to other people.
i'm not that girl, so don't make me that girl.
Monday, April 27, 2009
As long as we're young
i have the GREATEST major/job IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
WHY????
here's why
i make cool looking shit. thats right, its shit that looks COOL and usually some MEANING (or sometimes the depth stops at "it just looks fucking cool.") is behind it too, some CONTENT, some OOMPH
thats my JOB. i gather up all this stuff and these crazy ideas and color schemes and cartoons and doodles with all these things, concepts, aspects of ANYTHING that i just THINK ABOUT and that are constantly going through my brain, i gather all of that out of myself and make something with it.
its like a fucking HORCRUX (thats right, harry potter reference, don't be a grown-up and read a fucking childs book!), every thing i make, there's me. not like "oh i'm so vain i'm going to put myself in everything.", its more like "hey...that comes out of me. there's my hand in that. and thats pretty fucking cool."
AND
BONUSES:
i get to play with saws, sanders, paint, welding rods etc. (THATS RIGHT, I WELD!!!!), casting, kilns, steel, wax, glaze, clay, huge fucking stones, screens, charcoal, watercolors, gouache, saudering irons, wood engravers, CHEMICALS, printing presses, canvas, INK, PAPER, glass, acid and the occasional naked person.
its like...a playground for grown-ups. i LOVE doing this. i love spending all day in a studio. i wish i could be who i am in the studio in all other places and aspects of my life; that is the best parts of me in there because i'm working on something i love more than ANYTHING and nothing else matters to me. none of my problems matter: problems with family, friends, self-esteem, exhaustion of life, guys, other classes, my need for sleep and/or coffee - none of it exists. what exists is what i'm working on and none of that makes me worry, or depressed or angry or hesitant or over-analytical or shitty about myself. i don't have to open up to anyone and worry that it will blow up in my face, i don't have to make sure i'm making everyone happy or comfortable, or worry about their judgement or uncomfort or trying to impress them somehow because all i'm opening up to is me, it is selfless introspection to make something out of it, out of all of that.
i'm sure all of this sounds really cheesy and way too Art School Confidential
but
it's the truth because THAT gabe? i feel like she's a pretty rare person.
in other news:
- i still love cheese
- and i'm beginning to think i should depend on weekly hour long dance parties for exercise.
- my favorite color is still red.
WHY????
here's why
i make cool looking shit. thats right, its shit that looks COOL and usually some MEANING (or sometimes the depth stops at "it just looks fucking cool.") is behind it too, some CONTENT, some OOMPH
thats my JOB. i gather up all this stuff and these crazy ideas and color schemes and cartoons and doodles with all these things, concepts, aspects of ANYTHING that i just THINK ABOUT and that are constantly going through my brain, i gather all of that out of myself and make something with it.
its like a fucking HORCRUX (thats right, harry potter reference, don't be a grown-up and read a fucking childs book!), every thing i make, there's me. not like "oh i'm so vain i'm going to put myself in everything.", its more like "hey...that comes out of me. there's my hand in that. and thats pretty fucking cool."
AND
BONUSES:
i get to play with saws, sanders, paint, welding rods etc. (THATS RIGHT, I WELD!!!!), casting, kilns, steel, wax, glaze, clay, huge fucking stones, screens, charcoal, watercolors, gouache, saudering irons, wood engravers, CHEMICALS, printing presses, canvas, INK, PAPER, glass, acid and the occasional naked person.
its like...a playground for grown-ups. i LOVE doing this. i love spending all day in a studio. i wish i could be who i am in the studio in all other places and aspects of my life; that is the best parts of me in there because i'm working on something i love more than ANYTHING and nothing else matters to me. none of my problems matter: problems with family, friends, self-esteem, exhaustion of life, guys, other classes, my need for sleep and/or coffee - none of it exists. what exists is what i'm working on and none of that makes me worry, or depressed or angry or hesitant or over-analytical or shitty about myself. i don't have to open up to anyone and worry that it will blow up in my face, i don't have to make sure i'm making everyone happy or comfortable, or worry about their judgement or uncomfort or trying to impress them somehow because all i'm opening up to is me, it is selfless introspection to make something out of it, out of all of that.
i'm sure all of this sounds really cheesy and way too Art School Confidential
but
it's the truth because THAT gabe? i feel like she's a pretty rare person.
in other news:
- i still love cheese
- and i'm beginning to think i should depend on weekly hour long dance parties for exercise.
- my favorite color is still red.
Monday, April 20, 2009
talent requires cultivation
i love this.
i also love
making serigraphs and lithographs (very important)
cheese
crunch coat on ice cream
plaid
cute anything
charcoal
drawing people
dancing
my friends
snuggling
and people who also like snuggling.
oh,
and going to church and knowing that, by the end of the sermon, that i was supposed to be there and getting rest and stillness from it.
and all is full of love
Saturday, April 18, 2009
i found this in one of my old journals today.
Madi, age 10: you know, i would willingly spend the rest of eternity with you. you know, if you wanted me to. just eternity. the rest of our lives.
Gabe, age 19: Yeah, i would definitely spend eternity with you too honey. would we even die together?
Madi: of COURSE we would. we would die together. young and beautiful. absolutely. i think its the only decent way to go out these days anyway.
basically: i would totally go into eternity with you, but we should still die young anyway.
it just makes me remember what its like to be 10. everything is simplified. you can make contradictions like that because no one has beaten that "fact" that eternity is some kind of problem and that we should love living a life that, no matter how good, is ultimately suffering into your head yet. no one has beaten anything into you, they haven't been allowed to and you won't let them. you wake up thinking "what am i going to be doing today?" not "what can i NOT do today?"
thought:
do you ever find yourself wishing for stillness? stillness if your life, your surroundings, the people you know, everything. wishing for the freedom from the exhaustion that comes from just living YOUR life and being you? does that make sense? i'm fine with being me, i'm fine with who i am but i need to be still for a while. and i need all around me to be still. i need life to stop moving, i need the things i need to do, the things that are constantly asked and expected of me for whatever reasons, the opprotunities, the disasters, the negative and the tiring to stop moving and just let me be still for a while. let me be still and let me be held. i want the nothing and i want it for me. sounds pretty selfish, but i need it. i need it because i can't seem to find a moment to take care of myself and process my life. life takes processing.
but it won't ever happen, because the constant movement of life doesn't stop for just one person, even if its just their menial life. so i am looking for those moments of stillness, i'm trying to find them even within seconds, where everything at least seems stopped, where they are still and nothing. they are rare, i never allow myself to have them. my thoughts always get the better of me and pretty soon the moment is gone.
i wish i could explain that to you, let you know that wish for stillness, you won't ever be alone in wanting it.
and they say the average life still continues for 60 more years.
Madi, age 10: you know, i would willingly spend the rest of eternity with you. you know, if you wanted me to. just eternity. the rest of our lives.
Gabe, age 19: Yeah, i would definitely spend eternity with you too honey. would we even die together?
Madi: of COURSE we would. we would die together. young and beautiful. absolutely. i think its the only decent way to go out these days anyway.
basically: i would totally go into eternity with you, but we should still die young anyway.
it just makes me remember what its like to be 10. everything is simplified. you can make contradictions like that because no one has beaten that "fact" that eternity is some kind of problem and that we should love living a life that, no matter how good, is ultimately suffering into your head yet. no one has beaten anything into you, they haven't been allowed to and you won't let them. you wake up thinking "what am i going to be doing today?" not "what can i NOT do today?"
thought:
do you ever find yourself wishing for stillness? stillness if your life, your surroundings, the people you know, everything. wishing for the freedom from the exhaustion that comes from just living YOUR life and being you? does that make sense? i'm fine with being me, i'm fine with who i am but i need to be still for a while. and i need all around me to be still. i need life to stop moving, i need the things i need to do, the things that are constantly asked and expected of me for whatever reasons, the opprotunities, the disasters, the negative and the tiring to stop moving and just let me be still for a while. let me be still and let me be held. i want the nothing and i want it for me. sounds pretty selfish, but i need it. i need it because i can't seem to find a moment to take care of myself and process my life. life takes processing.
but it won't ever happen, because the constant movement of life doesn't stop for just one person, even if its just their menial life. so i am looking for those moments of stillness, i'm trying to find them even within seconds, where everything at least seems stopped, where they are still and nothing. they are rare, i never allow myself to have them. my thoughts always get the better of me and pretty soon the moment is gone.
i wish i could explain that to you, let you know that wish for stillness, you won't ever be alone in wanting it.
and they say the average life still continues for 60 more years.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
i was having lunch with a very good friend of mine today (lunch, i love having lunch with people) and i love this friend of mine immensely because she is so so good at putting me in my place and holding me accountable and allowing me to call myself out on all of my messes and she's really good at reminding me of God's control and basically just putting it all in perspective (i really enjoy lunch with her).
so, due to a previous encounter right before this lunch, i had the realization this afternoon that i am probably a total and complete flake.
flake : informal, a crazy or eccentric person
synonyms: space cadet, scatterbrain...etc.
sound familiar? yeah...
and this poor poor person who shuffled this into perspective, i consider them a friend but i am admittedly so flakey around them (it's pretty hot and cold i realize) that they probably think i hate them! which is awful! because i absolutely do not! i think they're great! (super great) granted, each situations is different and there are contributing factors to each, but seriously, i do not say hi to people i know or i say hello to some and not to others, i don't even look them in the face when i come across them even if i just talked to them! i really do have my head in the clouds a lot of the time but sadly, most of it is that people make me nervous. thats right, i don't talk to you? or say hello? its probably because you make me unrealistically and unnecessarily and unfoundedly nervous. i am a flake because i'm pretty socially awkward sometimes, or have completely become so. i'm not saying this to induce pity, i've known it for ages and its ok with me.
what isn't though is how i treat people. that is not ok. i should probably say hello and converse with people one day and continue to at least try and do so the next. its just terrible.
so heaven forbid,
if you're reading this and you think i hate you or don't respect or value you as a person due to my flakiness, I AM SO SORRY. i sincerely apologize if i have lead you to bitching and confusion over my flakiness and if this has made you keep distance or remove yourself slightly from my life. i can honestly say that, cut and dry, it comes down to my own nervousness and confidence issues that only i can change. if i don't say hello to you or ignore you, it is because i think you have something better to do or someone you'd rather talk to than me or because i think i bother you or because i think you don't remember me or because you probably intimidate me. i'm really going to try harder NOT to be a flake anymore and to let everyone know that i really value their friendship and respect them, no matter how small. i do want to be your friend, i do want you to talk to me, i do want to have lunch with you or dinner or coffee or go to the movies or go on walks/bikerides or watch trashy tv or listen to awesome music or talk about books and politics and life and faith with YOU.
so let's have lunch. i mean it.
Friday, January 16, 2009
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